The story goes that a ravenous Luther Vandross, on one of his many violent and belligerent hunts for a midnight snack, demanded a burger from a backwater bar in Georgia. On realising that they had no buns left, in desperation they used a glazed donut instead. Cowering with fear, they served it to the soul singer, only to find that, quite by accident, they’d created something as sublime as it was perverse. Vandross left a happy and fed man, having only caused $10,000 worth of damage to the bar. An alternative history is that once he’d tasted it, the crooner politely gave it the thumbs up and Mulligan’s bar have been riding on the tale ever since.
Luther (Vandross) Sliders
The first hurdle I had with this was finding that all the fat city boy fuckos had eaten every form of Krispy Kreme in London. A standard jam donut would taste like ass and look like a rectal prolapse, so, I plumped with the much more readily available glazed yum-yums. By the way, these mini-burgers are called ‘sliders’ because they’re just the right size to help you slide into a 48-hour calorie coma.
1 x pack of beef mince
3 x salami slices
1 x tspn of garlic salt
1 x tspn of mixed herbs
1 x pepper
1 x egg
Lots x glazed yum-yums
1 x shallot
Lots x cherry tomatoes
4 x bacon rashers
Some x floppy cheese
I wouldn’t go too kray kray with the burger patties themselves. So, instead of throwing in some custard powder or Quaaludes, I just added some chopped salami to make it even more salty and counteract the 5,000,0000 calories of sweetness you’ll be sandwiching it between.
Dump all the seasoning into the meat with an egg and mix it up. There will be no fucking around with crisps this time for binding; they’re only lickle patties, so they’re not prone to collapse in a greasy heap.
Squelch it all into yum-yum sized mini-burgers and set aside. Not in the fridge though, there’s nothing worse than beef that’s cooked on the outside and meaty slush puppy on the inside.
Fuck it, fry off some bacon rashers as well, why don’t you? You can never have too much bacon... “NEVER TOO MUCH, NEVER TOO MUCH, NEVER TOO MUCH, a thousand coronaries from you is never too much” (LOL!!!1!!1)
Next, cook the patties in your piggy fat...
...and when you're done, put everything on some kitchen towel so you can see just how much grease you’ll be unloading into your system.
Cut the yum-yums, cherry tomatoes, shallots and floppy cheese in half, so that you can pretend you are a giant.
Place everything on the yum-yums, as pictured (remember to breathe while you're doing this one, it's pretty complex).
All that’s left to do is build your sliders. There are no rules here, just the rule that says you have to make shit delicious. Stab your sliders with a tooth-pick or cocktail thingy or whatever to secure, then chow down.
Here’s to you, Luther, and my Endless Love of complex carbohydrates.
Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.