We Asked Women to Sum Up the Worst Sex They Ever Had in Six Words

"Cat maintained eye contact entire time."

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Jun 8 2017, 8:21pm

Some people say pizza is like sex: even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. But that has not at all been our experience. When sex is bad, it can be achingly, insanely terrible—weird smells, awkward noises, unpleasant partners. We have heard many tales of sexual terror from female friends, which prompted me to look for more. Here, we ask women friends and co-workers to recall their most terrible, awkward sexual trysts. [Gags.]

"Farted in my face during 69." - Kylie, 31

"Curtains are not towels, Jackhammer Dude." - Adrian, 32

"Baby carrot dick kept slipping out." - Louisa, 31

"Insisted she eat pickles just before." - Tiffany, 24

"Cat maintained eye contact entire time." - Carrie, 35

"Dysfunctional penis, watered his plants instead" - Lia, 27

"Sloppy kisser. Bad breath. Smelly balls." - Jenna, 22

"Broke up with me while climaxing." - Lexie, 29

"Skinny penis looked like gnarled parsnip." - Erica, 39

"Doggy style while watching The Hills" - Tracy, 25

"Kept thanking me while penetrating pussy." - Nora, 23

"And then we decided to marry." - Sara, 25

"Surprised me with his uncircumcised dick." - Rupal, 33

"Didn't make any noises. Asleep? Dead?" - Beth, 27

"Blasted Blink-182. Begged for blowjob." - Justine, 35

"Talked in British accent. Not British." - Lynne, 28

"Kept socks on. Loud. Wanted anal." - Jasmine, 19

"Zits everywhere. Couldn't find clit. Republican." - Brandi, 30

"Didn't want to wake his parents." - Willa, 34

"He sobbed after dick went in." - Samantha, 21

"Took his virginity. Told me afterwards." - Annie, 32

"One night stand said he loved me." - Pam, 38

"Tried using clearly dirty sex toys." - Melissa, 27

"Big talk. Small penis. No go." - Kate, 28

"Vampire wannabe. Kept biting my neck." - Jules, 33

"Repeatedly asked to massage my asshole." - Carly, 26

"Pet his cat while inside me. #notaeuphemism" - Suzanne, 32


"Didn't know how to use condoms." - Molly, 36

"Left giant scratch marks on back." - Sharon, 22

"Cried when I could not orgasm." - Erin, 31

"Tried using spit as lube. No." - Paula, 26

"Couldn't cum without sucking my toes." - Mandy, 34

"Tequila-fueled threesome. Awkward and messy." - Ruthie, 31

"Sucked at licking pussy. Too eager." - Geri, 26

"Refused to shower. Feet smelled horrible." - Lauren, 25

"Bit my nipples so hard I screamed." - Kelly, 32

"Lied about herpes sores on dick." - Vivian, 24

"Virgin. Attempted rigorous marathon porno sex." - Irene, 31

"Pumping away. Sneezed into my mouth." - Ella, 37

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