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Letters Mourning the Loss of ChAvril, the Only Canadian Couple Worth Crying Over

Like the plastic flames adorning the side of a souped-up Honda Civic cruising down the Coquihalla, theirs was a love that shone ever so brightly.

by Mish Way
Sep 4 2015, 2:22pm


An average Canadian mourns the loss of ChAvril. Photo credit Josiah Hughes

Dearest Josiah,

Can you believe the news? It feels like just yesterday your wife and I were watching MuchMusic in your living room, singing along to Avril's hit song "Smile" while Kenny iced his foot. Now, ChAvril are divorcing? There have been some horrifically sad losses for Canada recently: Rita MacNeil's death, that stupid do-gooder, tree hugging new Neil Young song, cancer and now this?

Remember the day we found out two of our great nation's biggest rock stars were getting married? Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger. How many times did we flip through that copy of Hello! to see Avril's grinning fangs hovering just below her new husband's goatee? I think I was so excited I barfed a bit in my mouth (but I swallowed it because every good Canadian knows you NEVER waste a mouth full of Cool Ranch Doritos and Pilsner).

I really had high hopes. I thought that they were going to have little ChAvril babies. They would turn those babies into musicians and they would start their own Partridge Family. They never even got close. I mean, there were the pregnancy rumors when Avril showed up at the Nylon party in that hideous jacket and the nasty, mean press assumed she was pregnant. She didn't even look fat! She's just short and boxy. I bloat when I'm wasted on Crown Royal too. Then, she did that awesome cover of Nickelback's greatest hit and we knew things had to be going smooth. Maybe more songs were on the horizon? Then, boom! The duet they wrote and performed together. It was gorgeous. I think it was my ringtone for six whole months. That song should have been made into the national anthem. Why did no one sign our petition at parliament? That still makes me devastated. At least we tried.

TEARS. TEARS ARE BEING SHED. Screenshot from Avril Lavigne's Instagram.

Then, the break-up rumors started. We refused to believe such filth. I mean, they were so happy and in love when they did that excellent interview with Howard Stern. They talked about how many times they had sex on Canadian Thanksgiving and how they were going to measure Chad's penis when they had some time between press interviews. Everything was perfect!

Chad didn't attend Avril's birthday party in Vegas and she was seen without her wedding ring. I think he was too, but he had the perfect excuse! "Wedding rings come on and off," he told a reporter. "See!" Then he cleverly showed the world how to take a ring of one's finger. God, I mean, that was basically science. Besides, every time a break-up rumour would arise, Avril would quell it by posting a cute selfie of her and Chad. They fooled us all. She did, really.

I blame her. She's obviously a controlling femi-nazi! I mean, she made her ex-husband from Sum 41 take her last name when they got married years ago. What kind of loyal wife does that? Who does she think she is? She should be so grateful that the frontman of Nickelback (Hello!) wanted to bang her, let alone marry her. He is one of the most highly respected musicians in the world. Every guy I know who sodomized me in high school loved Nickelback. She makes me so mad. Forget the Lyme Disease. I mean, what is that anyway? It's like a mosquito bite, right? Big deal.

I saw that Dean Murdoch tweeted at Avril propositioning her for a date. If she was smart, she'd hitch her dying star to that wagon. He's a totally hot Canadian legend! Selfishly, I don't want her to stomp the hearts of all Canada's greatest men. Especially not Dean. (Swoon!)

Who am I kidding? We knew ChAvril were bound to divorce. They got married on Canada Day... in fucking

France. Traitors.

Sincerely destroyed,

Your friend,
Mrs. Barber


What happens when you don't stand together?

My sweet Mish,

Your words have moved me greatly. There's nothing a human being needs more in these times of mourning than community. As Chad himself so poignantly put it in his song "When We Stand Together," "Hand in hand together, that's when we all win." And the drumbeat carries on.

I don't doubt that you're also reeling from the news of Chad and Avril's dissolved marriage, but you're currently in Los Angeles, where I can only assume all relationships are polyamorous by law. The loss of Chad and Avril, while still painful, is probably a lot easier in California than it is up here in Western Canada.

We don't really have too many celebrity couples around these parts. Sure, Dallas Green is married to that lady that used to be on MuchMusic. Tom Thacker from Gob got his wedding in the New York Times. The singer from Hedley used to be married to a girl from my elementary school. But ChAvril was different. Though they look and act like a godawful Surrey, BC couple who got rich off of lucky scratch-and-win tickets at a local billiards hall, ChAvril got us international headlines. And let's be clear. Chad Kroeger is a person just as much as Avril Lavigne is a person, but ChAvril was a larger than life entity.

ChAvril was with me from the very beginning. August 21, 2012 was my 27th birthday. I woke up feeling chuffed, hopped on my bike and rode to work. On the way, however, I suffered a nasty spill and fractured my elbow in three places. I went to the hospital and, writhing in pain while I awaited surgery, took solace in my Twitter feed: Chad and Avril, on that mixed-up and painful day, had announced that they were in love. No amount of percocets could match the divine comfort I found in that simple token of true love.

Now, no one is smiling. Video via Youtube.

Like the plastic flames adorning the side of a souped-up Honda Civic cruising down the Coquihalla, theirs was a love that shone ever so brightly. And yet a fiery passion that intense simply cannot last. Maybe she had a change of heart. Maybe their love simply died down. Maybe he cheated with a waitress in a Red Robin bathroom. Whatever the case, our golden years are behind us, and I'm beginning to question the validity of my own marriage in the wake of this incredibly gutting news.

Put simply, love is dead. The human spirit is crushed. Canada, as we once knew it, is over. As such, I've decided to vote for Stephen Harper in the next election.

In sadness and in love,
Josiah

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