By now you've probably come across the vom-inducing Tell America It's Great campaign.
Your crossfitting ex-roommate who loves posting inspirational quotes to Facebook has no doubt slapped it on her profile alongside a self-congratulatory message about being a good neighbour. If, by chance, you're lucky enough to not know what the hell I'm talking about, here's a quick recap:
In response to the dumpsterfire that is the US presidential campaign, a Toronto ad agency has taken it upon itself to release a series of videos in which earnest Canadians blow smoke up America's ass.
Set to a backdrop of ukulele music, the main video features a montage of fresh-faced Canadians making declarations like, "We're big fans."
"We're just up here in Canada talking about how great you guys are down there and we thought we'd just send you a little bit of a love note," says one cherubic man, who is inexplicably delivering his pep talk while lying on a hardwood floor. The next few people continue, "We know you've got some really big decisions to make, but as you're thinking about your future, we just want you to know that you guys are great. You really are."
They then list some of America's greatest achievements, such as inventing the internet, space travel, and having a good national parks system.
Honestly, what the hell are you guys on about?
First off, let's be real: Americans never have and never will give a shit about what Canadians think. Secondly, what they probably need right now is a dose of tough love—more along the lines of "If you get this wrong, you will fuck the whole world up" than "Y'all have some real pretty parks down there."
Like, if your friend was choosing between two dudes—one of whom was literally Satan—and she asked for your advice, would you be talking about her amazing shoe collection? Well, this isn't even really like that because no one wants our input.
The story has been picked up the New York Times (following up on its hard hitting 'Canada has Thanksgiving too!' coverage) and the Washington Post, and predictably, most of the comments are either from Americans talking about how everyone really was so polite that one time they visited Toronto, or from Canadians who are clearly jizzing themselves over being mentioned by a US news outlet.
While the tiny part of my soul that isn't cynical can see that the people behind Tell America It's Great have good intentions, mostly I just think this campaign is a thinly disguised excuse for Canadians to pat themselves on the back about how nice they are. Because, as I've already stressed, Americans are too busy dealing with real shit to be paying attention.
Follow Manisha Krishnan on Twitter.