A December Avalanche of Atrocious Ads, Branding, and Social Media

Because marketing people are, as ever, desperately trying to justify their existence, they are loath to leave one annual budget dollar unspent. That mentality leads to a yearly December blizzard of hastily and stupidly conceived ideas, and this year’s shit-batch is especially stinky.

When Jay Z introduces a fragrance for his fellow man, it should be both EPIC and SOMETHING YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. Unfortunately, here we get a lazy rip-off of Goldfinger. But then, most of you youngs have probably never heard of the film, or Sean Connery, other than the “shoon” meme.

“This is Jay Z’s signature fragrance, so we wanted to capture the power and style of the man but also the sensuality of the fragrance at the same time,” says kirshenbaum bond senecal + partners co-chief creative officer Izzy DeBellis. “We needed to find the right balance of personality and product to make it all work, since it’s easy for anything associated with him to be dominated by the mere mention of Jay Z’s name.” DeBellis then inserted his tongue back into Jay Z’s asshole.

SiblingRivalry creative director Joe Wright (it takes at least two creative entities to properly craft a Jay Z ad) added: “The agency and client were as excited as we to produce something that is part art film, part brand launch.”

Thirty seconds of dumping gold paint on a model (Heidy De La Rosa) = art film.

Continuing in the “art film” genus, Marc Jacob’s president Robert Duffy thought it would be arty to make fun of stutterers. I guess some would say he’s empowering stutterers with the above edgy lip-syncing announcement about a holiday photo booth outside of the designer’s Bleecker Street store. But the extra-idiotic “nailed it’ ending says otherwise.

Duffy is apparently a full-on moron, according to details from a lawsuit by former Marc Jacobs chief operating officer Patrice Lataillade. This creepy video makes me want to change my last name.

Staying with speech impediments, Special K this month created a special clothing store called “Shhhut Down Fat Talk.” The “experiential” video ad shows unwitting women (no, they’re actors) “ambushed” by “fat talk” labels and signs. The feel-good payoff? There is none; you’re a fatty, fatso, HAHAHA! Now, eat our cereal and start losing weight, you stupid blimp.

Forget for a second that this is an awful piece of STUNT-vertising on its own, and remember Special K’s previous fat-shaming ad campaigns. Now ask the question: who the fuck do you think you’re kidding, Kellogg?

Would you want Scott Hoy of Sioux Falls to be your personal injury lawyer? Would you want Scott Hoy to be your anything after watching his special incomprehensible holiday ad? He says:

“We’ve seen a series of one-car accidents recently involving rollovers and serious injuries to passengers. I don’t know if it’s video games or what, but it’s so unfair to, after something like this, to blame people in the backseat or say ‘they deserved it’. I don’t like consoling these parents about what’s happened. But I’ll do it, until it stops! Will you please stop? I’m Scott Hoy…”

Video unearthed by Tim Nudd at AdFreak. (Note: some genius has made a floating disembodied Hoy head version of the ad.)

Maybe the “O” stands for Japanese Zeroes? This month’s Social Media Dipshitis the person(s) responsible for the SpaghettiOs Twitter feed. Maybe Campbell Soup can try to get SpaghettiOs named the “official meal of the USS Arizona Memorial?” Maybe get it renamed the “Uh-Oh Memorial?” Tora! Tora! Tora!

Runner-up for Social Media Dipshit of the month is the person(s) responsible for the Turbovite (a New Zealand energy drink brand) Facebook feed. The “like” grubbing is bad enough. But to not even know who the fuck Nelson Mandela is while using his clan name is tragically, ironically hilarious. RIP, Mr. Freeman (Via Condescending Corporate Brand Page).

These two billboards went up on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood last month. 138 Water’s tagline is “The first fashion water.” It comes in colors. The bottle, not the water. The 138 name comes from 1=unity, 3=trinity, 8=infinity. The model is Carmen Ortega, who is “famous” for having allegedly fucked Kim Kardashian’s ex Reggie Bush, and claiming to have been LeBron James’s mistress.

Naked women selling things on billboards where their nakedness has nothing to do with the product or its benefit is of course nothing new. But combining artless sexism with the fact that the naked woman here is selling the worst product ever, within one of the worst product categories ever, and you get yourself posted here.

(Images via Daily Billboard)

Lastly, in rapey ads, we have this thing for a place in Bangkok called Ozen Shop that sells “natural male enhancement” products. See two more rapey rape ads from the campaign here. Ad agency: Soho Square/WPP, Bangkok.

@copyranter