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All Bad News Considered

A Five-Foot Jellyfish Landed on a Beach in Tasmania

This week, a five-foot jellyfish landed on a beach, Jay Leno retired, and congress cut roughly $8 billion worth of food-stamp funding.

by Rick Paulas
Feb 10 2014, 12:32am

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The ocean is a very scary place. Case in point: In Tasmania, a five-foot jellyfish washed up on a beach. Scientist Lisa-ann Gershwin compared the jellyfish's size to a small car and its thickness to swimming in bubble tea. In related news, I crossed off Tasmania from my list of places to visit. Does that make me a person lacking bravery? Perhaps. However, it also makes me someone who doesn't want to end up suffocated by a family of giant jellyfish, which makes me smart.

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At long last, Jay Leno said goodbye to his faithful audience, ending his long-running late-night talk show. Somehow, 14 million viewers tuned into his final show, which is odd considering I have yet to meet a single guys who describes himself as Jay's fan. I predict we're a few years away from an expose detailing how Jay paid off the Nielsen households, presumably with cars and personal performances from the Dancing Itos, Billy Crystal, and Kim Kardashian—the perfect intersection of Jay's sensibilities, which is to say, the perfect intersection of shit. But, hey, let's give credit where credit is due! Over the years, Jay was derided for failing to showcase young comedians, being untrue to his craft, going back on his word, and wasting an opportunity to transform the genre, but at least he... actually, I have no way to finish that sentence. Adios, Jay!

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Last year, a tiny, little act of vandalism took place at one of the Pacific Gas & Electric Company's electrical substations near San Jose, the place that supplies Silicon Valley—better known as the epicenter of the internet—with power. Last week, that tiny, little act of vandalism was upgraded slightly to a major act of terrorism that could have been disastrous. What happened? Apparently, some angry people brought semi-automatic rifles to the plant and lit it up, doing extensive damage to 17 of the transformers. Oh yeah, there are also no suspects. This is a good reminder that we take electricity for granted, and without it we couldn't save food or stay up past sundown. Maybe that survivalist class isn't the worst investment after all.

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This story isn't about a human marshmallow like Jay Leno. This is about your goddamn food. You might be thinking, What the heck is Rick talking about? Food is what potheads think about as they sit on the couch. But if you can't eat, you can't watch Jay Leno, read about jellyfish, or dabble in butt sex—you need food to do anything. That's why it's so important that congress passed the US Farm Bill after two years of political bickering. The bill's big losers are the poor, who lose roughly $8 billion in food stamps, and the big winners are sushi rice farmers, who are in line for a ton of subsidies. Also worth noting: This version lacks a pesky provision to force congressional folk to declare if they're making money from farm subsidies, which is simply hilarious in its hubris.


Previously - Philip Seymour Hoffman Found Dead in His New York Apartment

Jay Leno