The Unsung Heroes of Miami Music Week

It's easy to assume that Miami is all about superstar DJs in Lamborghinis, superstar DJs at brand-sponsored pool parties, and superstar DJs at 36-hour parties featuring half of your SoundCloud. But while I wandered up and down Collins Avenue, from the LED stages of Ultra to the warehouse raves downtown, I realized that the true stars of Miami Music Week were ordinary people doing extraordinarily ridiculous things. The ones who got stuck doing shitty jobs no one else wanted (here's to you, lifeguard at Pete Tong's pool party); the ones trying to save the souls of hedonistic ravers (thanks, Bible guy outside Ultra); the ones who became Internet-famous while taking a nap (um, see below). Let's give it up for these unsung heroes.

We didn't have to wait long for Ultra's most depraved photo to emerge. On day one of the festival, this Instagram of a girl taking a disco nap in a porta-potty instantly went viral. Not sure if this beats the pictures of someonesnorting coke off a vagina and another woman casually peeing on a passed out guy's face from last year, but it comes pretty damn close. Stay classy, Ultra.

If you were not at Diddy's mansion on the last day of Miami Music Week, you're making some very healthy decisions with your life. Despite the strict no-cameras-allowed policy, Diddy finally caved around 9:30AM and said, "OK, you can use your cellphones now." Six seconds later, he changed his mind, but not before we got a chance to capture his orange bucket hat and bass hands for posterity.

I was leaving Get Lost, a 24-hour party thrown by Damien Lazarus' Crosstown Rebels label, when I spotted this dude and his deflated plus one scuttling into the gates. It was 10 AM, by the way. From whence do they come, and to whither are they going? I will never know.

This hardcore evangelist stands outside the doors to Ultra every single year, begging the half-naked ravers to turn away from their lives of sin, lest they burn in the fires of hell. At the very moment this picture was taken, a festival attendee was challenging his rhetoric, asking, "What about the idea of forgiveness?" A shouting match ensued, as ravers crowded around the spontaneous debate about whether doing Molly will lead to eternal damnation. These are the important questions.

I do not envy you.

Once upon a time, everyone wanted to be come famous. Nowadays, everyone just wants to be a meme. I met Cubby Cramer, the official "video wizard" for Dim Mak, at the label's house party. He had a box of T-shirts and stickers emblazoned with his own face that he was handing out for free. Sure enough, those stickers ended up on every other lamp pole in the city. No idea if Steve Aoki put him up to this, but I respect the hustle.

Random DJs playing extremely loud dance music in depressing places is one of Miami's biggest tourist attractions. You'll catch bored-looking DJs on the ones and twos in hotel lobbies, bustling street corners, and in this case, a sushi restaurant in the middle of the afternoon. Which, honestly, didn't seem too out of place in the scheme of things.

Sounds about right.

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