We Investigated Blueface's Claim That He's Slept With 1,000 Women in 6 Months

"It's like sometimes it might be a threesome, it might be a foursome. I done had a fivesome."

Aug 8 2019, 8:49pm

Fresh off the heels of kicking his mom out of his house because she was a "clout chaser," Blueface has graced this world with yet another Extremely Blueface pronouncement, a claim so unbelievable, so wildly impossible, you almost have to admire whatever deluded, broken part of his brain allowed him to make it. In an interview with LA's Real 92.3, the "Thotiana" rapper said that in the past six months, he's had sex with "1,000" women.

Let's not waste our time debating whether this is actually true (we can never know), but instead concern ourselves with whether it's physically possible. It's a question we can only answer with the help of a few haphazard, slipshod mathematical equations, hastily thrown together by someone (me) with virtually no working knowledge of math beyond a fifth-grade level.

Let's begin with the basics. The past six months have spanned 189 days, beginning on February 1. Thus we have our first equation: 1,000 (women) / 189 (days) = 5.3—meaning that, to accomplish this Herculean task, Blueface would've had to sleep with roughly five women a day.

There are a few factors to consider in puzzling out how he might pull that off. The first is that, as he told 92.3, he's allegedly often sleeping with more than one partner at a time. ("It's like sometimes it might be a threesome, it might be a foursome," he said. "I done had a fivesome.") The second is that, according to the lyrics of "Freak Bitch," Blueface has "two dicks."

Using his dual penises, the easiest way Blueface could bed 1,000 women in half a year would simply be to have one fivesome a day, coupled with a single instance of regular old one-on-one sex: 4 women + 1 woman = 5. But given the fact that Blueface told 92.3 that the fivesome he had was "pretty hard," this seems unlikely—a difficult, taxing sexual maneuver he'd be reluctant to repeat.

Alternately, on any given day, he could have one foursome and a threesome (3 women + 2 women = 5); two threesomes and a one-on-one session (2 women + 2 women + 1 woman = 5); one threesome and three one-on-one sessions (2 women + 1 woman + 1 woman + 1 woman = 5); or five one-on-one sessions (you understand this math).

Now, let's remember what he's really claiming here. It's not that he's just had sex 1,000 times in the past six months; it's that he's had sex with 1,000 different women in that period. Forget the question of how he might find the time to accomplish any of those sexual combinations enumerated above—how could he find that many willing sexual partners each day, five individual women he's never slept with before who are willing to go to bed with a guy with two dicks? And multiple other strangers? But more importantly a guy with two dicks!

The math required to answer such a question is over my head—it likely involves multiplying the number of women backstage at each of his shows by some weird fraction, or using the ! symbol, or quantum computing—but at the end of the day, it would prove unnecessary. There is no goddamn way Blueface has banged 1,000 people in the past six months. Consider that claim empirically, verifiably false.