Clothes are a great way to bring out your personality. But what if you have the personality of a boring pervert?
This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
Alright so the setup to this one is this: There is such a thing as a "podcast co-host shirt." Look, here’s the tweet:
Here’s the bit from Modcloth, the online store that sells it:
And I mean fair play because it is a very "guys!! don't forget our Patreon has new rewards up!!" kind of shirt. It's very "extremely slowly reading the details of a 20-year-old murder out off Wikipedia." Serving executive Blue Apron ad placement realness. But it makes you think of other clothes, does it not? It makes you think of the things we wear, and what they say about us as a person. How we project ourselves to the world around us through our sartorial choices. How every hat, every t-shirt, every accessory, and every shoe says to the world: Hey, world. This… this is me.
Here’s who you are based on what you wear.
The "I comply with the police when they knock on the door of a house party" fleece
“Yuh, hi officers. The dealers are in the upstairs bedroom. Nobody invited them, they just came in! Yuh. Oh, whoops, I dropped the wallet my dad gave me… who’s in the army, by the way.”
The "shares petitions about library closures on Facebook a lot" small cardigan
It’s basically impossible to spend more than a day in east London without bumping into one of these girls, sorry. Their Etsy page is dedicated to disruptive cross-stitching. This girl has a special sideways smile she does in selfies and group photos. She always sits down in the pub with a coat on her lap. Oh, g— oh, God. She’s: Yeah, she’s talking about Harry Potter again. “Dobby was oppressed—“ Can I get anyone a pint? Anyone? Just please give me an excuse to get up and go to the bar instead. Can I get anyone a pint?
The "I Brew my own beer" spectacles
Joke’s on me here because these are my actual glasses. But every time I wear them, I feel a bit like Revolver Ocelot when he grafted Liquid’s hand onto him—suddenly violently overtaken by someone else’s personality, a mask on top of my own, only in this case, mine is a guy called Rory who says he’s from Hackney but actually very much is not, and I keep getting this irrepressible need to describe things as either “hoppy” or “sour,” those are the literal only two adjectives I know.
The "technically a vegan in that all I eat is hash browns and veggie nuggets" dad hat
It's really easy to text girls like this because all you have to do is say ‘doggo’ and send them a picture of an animal like once every two days.
The "Have you got any weed, fam?" shotta bag
√ He takes tons of Instagram stories of entirely empty train cars because the commute from London College of Fashion [LCF] to his parents’ house on the residential outskirts of London takes more than an hour even though his Tinder bio is just the pin emoji followed by the word "London."
√ Once had a panic attack at Carnival
√ Spends every Christmas with his parents in Dubai and got given £6,000 [8,326] for his last birthday
√ [Extended montage of scuffling sounds coming from a nightclub smoking area] “I listen to grime, dude! So yeah, I think I can say it!”
The "what's student debt? Hold on: So you all have to pay loans?" ring
You had to explain the concept of bars very carefully to him over a 30-minute conversation during his first week of college, but now he’s a complete convert, jugs of Blue Lagoon and everything. He stayed in a Spoons Hotel once just for the laugh of it all. This joy will dissipate entirely overnight when, after a year and a half of traveling, he’ll get a £55k [$76,000] starting salary job at his father’s company, finance a Mercedes-Benz, and only ever go to rooftop bars in St. Paul’s.
The "girl who makes noise complaints to both the upstairs and downstairs neighbors" shirt
"My roommate is having a really hard time and your bedroom is right below hers, so if you could turn down the one song you’ve been playing at a medium volume on your record player, OK? I have your landlord’s number inexplicably and I’m not afraid to text him about this, incessantly, exaggerating the agony of hearing mild noise thru the floor more and more every time, until he has no real option but to evict you and keep your deposit. Just think before you play a song at 4 PM on a Sunday."
The "I want the 90s style but without buying vintage in case a poor or dead person wore it once" tracksuit
You know those friend-of-a-friends who happen to be apartment shopping at the same time as you, and you end up agreeing to go thirds on a three-bedroom with them? And you’re in the pub before looking at some place, and she goes "so what’s your budget, like one a month? One-two a month?" And you realize they are talking about one thousand or two hundred dollars, per month? Each? And you realize suddenly that they’ve never paid rent in their life because their dad just direct deposits rent straight to the landlord. And you end up saying you’ll stay in the box room because "I don’t need much space, honestly!" but it’s actually just so you get to pay less rent per month as a result of it. And it’s still somehow £900 [$1,249]? This is their tracksuit. They never cook because every night they order through Uber Eats. Every time the house gets messy, they go and stay a night at a hotel. Their glam mom comes to visit one day and brings you one of those big Diptyque candles, which they actually light instead of keeping as precious holy decorations. Rich people are crazy.
The "I bring a 35mm camera everywhere I go and always finger on the first date" shirt
He's one of those weird guys who, hours after you finished up a really agonizing drug session, posts a really calm and wholesome-looking picture from a museum of him wearing a little beanie hat and looking at a painting.
The "messages your girlfriend offering to pay for nudes" Chelsea boots
√ Keeps advertising stock trading seminars that you’re pretty sure is just a complex pyramid scheme
√ Comments on Bella Hadid’s selfies as if she will actually notice him
√ "How much for sex? LOL. I’m a nice guy, you know." [seconds pass] "You’re not even all that, you know. You're a seven rejecting a ten." [days pass, 4 AM occurs] "LOOKS FADE! GOOD GUYS DON’T COME AROUND OFTEN!"
The "we've got to go see Clapton F.C. play one time you know. You can bring your own beer" soccer-style scarf
Somehow, he is wearing six coats at once and keeps talking about xG. When you invite him over to your place to watch Champions League and eat Domino’s with the boys, he keeps turning the audio commentary off to put a soccer podcast on instead. Please stop talking to me about the St. Pauli youth team dude, I’m just trying to get excited about the World Cup.
The "has exactly one viral tweet that is just a four screenshot tableau of a bad conversation she had on Tinder" sneakers
She does that thing where you post two selfies of slightly different poses in front of a ring light that gets 1.2K likes, for some reason. Then stays up until 3 AM every night looking at SpongeBob memes but doesn’t know why she’s tired all the time. She also keeps read receipts on—that sort of thing.
The "books a week off of work around the weekend of the Field Day music festival" overalls
√ Hour late to his job as a barista at one of those £4 [$5]-a-latte places that is filled with ill-placed cheese plants with the leaves all crushed and brown
√ Not a single lampshade on any of the lightbulbs in his room, not even one lampshade
√ Gives you paintings for your birthday that, out of sheer politeness, you are duty-bound to keep for the next three to four house moves
The "I work for VICE" t-shirt
My editor said I’m allowed exactly two digs at the rest of the staff around me because any more than that and I’ll never make friends but: Nobody here ever knows exactly what day payday is and all we drink instead of water is Old Blue Last beer, please save us all from this hell.
The "crowdfunds a zine without even once checking whether a zine covering the exact same issue in the exact same way already exists or not" nose ring
‘Guys, wow, the GoFundMe is looking pretty empty (£120 [$166] of £10,000 [$13,878] raised) and only six of you turned up to the planning meeting I organized. Can we start taking this a bit more seriously, please? Actual charities are really on my case about whether my plan to just print tote bags and @ Theresa May telling her to “fuck off” is really going to do anything to further the cause (still undecided on the cause BTW: If you RSVP, you MUST attend the planning meetings). We need to fight back!’
The "'U up?' text" straight male pink hair dye
His Instagram Story the day Lil Peep died was just tons of black and white videos of him crying a single tear and there's a whole bit where he very slowly lit a candle. Now, it’s 3 AM on a Friday night, and despite ghosting you six weeks ago, he’s on WhatsApp sending pictures of his new tattoo and asking if he can go down on you.
The "Uber rating: 3.2" tiny sunglasses
"Nah man, we can’t use my account to get one. They all cancel on me. Use your phone and I’ll pay you back when we get to the place. I definitely won’t instantly disappear into the dark recesses of a warehouse rave never to be seen again, like the last time this happened."
The "This hat is my entire personality" beret
√ Celebrates a "birthday month"
√ "Interesting guys only. Do NOT ask me to just come for a drink with you. Think outside the box! ASK ME ON AN ACTIVITY DATE."
√ Actually does adult coloring books
The "part-owner of a vape emporium" patterned shirt
What did these guys do before vaping? Do you remember? You went to school with one, didn’t you? His name was Liam. What did he do before vaping? Who was he before vaping happened? I know I knew one—I knew I talked to one, or went to the pub with one—and now: Who was he before there was vaping? All he does now is blow out smoke rings and pushes them with his hands in the direction of a single flickering laser lamp while two sad silent girls just watch him do it. He wears big structural hoodies and always smells faintly of vaped bubblegum. But who was he before this happened? Who was he?
The "catch me on Depop ten days before payday every month without fail selling a box logo t-shirt so I can continue to afford to live" silver bullets
1 Day After Payday: “Uber Uber Uber Uber! Uber Uber Uber Uber! Deliveroo Deliveroo! Uber Uber Uber Uber!”
3 Days After Payday: [sound of scrolling the Grailed website for one and a half actual hours] “What do you think of this £400 [$555] fleece?”
8 Days After Payday: “Dude, we’ve got to look for somewhere cheaper to live. I can’t live like this. The bank keeps texting me about overdraft fees.”
20 Days After Payday: [sound of typing the words "can u sell ur blood" into Google] “Dude, can I borrow a mug of pasta from you? I think I might honestly die if you say no.”
The "relentlessly makes fun of people who are just trying to live their lives—and wear clothes that are mildly adherent to trend while they do it—all while personally wearing a collection of mainly boxy and ill-fitting Uniqlo plain pieces because he's 1. too scared to truly commit to any fashion trends or any ways of dressing that are in any way variant from the norm 2. the size and shape of an upright standing fridge and so cannot actually flex with tailored or in any way fitted clothing 3. agonizes over every daring fashion choice he might ever make to the point of sartorial impotence 4. fundamentally has bad taste anyway, so I mean all of this combines to build to a position of high hypocrisy, here, sitting at a desk wearing a plain black hoodie, a plain black pair of jeans, and plain black classics, looking basically like a large goth who got reformed by a prison" wardrobe
Honestly, I spend most of my clothes budget on old football shirts off of eBay that I do not ever actually wear. Please don’t listen to me.
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