Kara Crabb: One sophisticated ass lady. Photo via the author.
After my two year-old butt sex article went recently viral for some weird, perverted reason, I decided to look it over again. Upon review, I was absolutely horrified. Not because of what I had written, but what I’d forgotten to mention. There are so many better, more obvious reasons why girls should literally only have anal sex and nothing else, at all, and I’m sorry for being so neglectful. It was truly an irresponsible disposal on my account, focusing solely on sensory delight and passivity, when in reality there are far more relevant reasons why every female ought to be prohibited from all sexual acts excluding anal intercourse.
They are as follows:
Never mind the purely selfish reasons you wouldn’t want a human larvae ruining your life, let’s look at this from an socio-environmental standpoint: the human population is expected to reach eight billion by the year 2025. We have no way to feed all of these people, plus, what would we do with the sewage if we could? Even now, with seven billion people on Earth, more than 200 million tons of human waste goes untreated every year, so think about that before you freak out over a little poop on your boyfriend’s peener. It’s a small price to pay for not living a literally shitty existence. Overpopulation is a colossal nightmare that we, as a species, can no longer physically withstand and that is exactly why anal sex is so important.
You can’t grow a baby in your ass, but you can have an orgasm if you try a little.
If girls were only to engage in anal intercourse, there would be fewer humans on Earth, and therefore less resource depletion, and perhaps a better quality of life for the rest of civilization. Only through these swollen pulsating lips, may we still find our planet hospitable. So forget those stupid solar roadways, anal sex can single-handedly lead us to a future of sustainability and hope.
I am the bearer of objective truth.
LIMITED DISEASE TRANSMISSION
One might prefer the “stinky” to the “pinky” for their non-propogational preclusions, but blowing loads into rectal tissue is practical for many legitimate reasons that further help control our steadily expanding population!
Diseases were predetermined to regulate human population densities on Earth because humans are gods and the universe clearly revolves around our existence, right? Now think about this: it’s easy to poison yourself with shit: cholera, hepatitis, clostridium difficile (Hawt! New!) These are all cool, fun things you can get from digging around in people’s assholes and what a positive influence on our demography! Girls should really only be having the dirtiest, most-unprotected, anal sex ORGY PARTIES because infectious disease is a material privilege in this short sweet life. I ought to be canonized.
I must especially apologize for failing to recognize the obvious possibility that receptive males ought to engage in anal intercourse with penetrative females.
While the act is commonly rejected in most het-cis relationships, I can personally attest to its reality. One time I met a guy off Craigslist (that story is not really relevant). He was comfortable with his sexuality (there’s no need to divulge my personal life right now); he was interested in prostate orgasms (I don’t want to encourage unwanted attention by sharing this story).
I still believe that sexual dominance and pain are extremely fun and gratifying, under the right circumstances, but thrusting an inorganic penile into another autonomous human being can be pretty alright too.
PRESERVING OUR HERITAGE
Since antiquity men, women, and children were all players in the anal-receiving game. In fact, it is debated whether academia itself grew from the edges of a child’s sphincter.
Pederasty was a socially accepted form of education wherein young male students developed erotic relationships with their teachers in exchange for private mentorship. Cultural views on actual penetration, however, are confused.
While depictions of anal sex in Greek and Roman art suggest that penetration was reserved only for slaves and whores, there ARE accounts of celebrated anal intercourse among companions throughout a variety of ancient civilizations.
Regardless of whether males were actually INSERTING their penises into their friends' buttholes or not, posterior stimulation bears definite cross-cultural synchronicity. It makes me wonder: without anal sex would there have ever existed democracy? Would there have ever been linguistics? Or spectator sports? Or militaries?
In this vein we should all open ourselves to the fact that every race, creed, age, and sex are unified under ANAL SYNERGIC TRANSCENDENCE!!!
On that note, males, I would like to address the fact that many of you are messaging me, telling me about how you’d like to convince your girlfriends to have anal sex with you. Why? Why? Why would you do this? Why would you email someone you don’t know and tell them these things? Why would anyone care about this? Why? Why?