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I've Received a Bunch of Strange Snapchats from Strangers

A week or so ago I wrote an article about how I believed Snapchat was, and I’m paraphrasing here, a piece of shit with no hope for the future. At the end of the article I was advised to publish my Snapchat username, so people could send me whatever...

Patrick Maloney

Patrick Maloney

A week or so ago I wrote an article about how I believed Snapchat was, and I’m paraphrasing here, a piece of shit with no hope for the future. At the end of the article I was advised to publish my Snapchat username, so people could send me whatever they pleased in hopes of possibly changing my mind, confirming my beliefs, or to mock the article. I received dozens of Snaps from all over the world from crazy Snapchat-loving places as far as China, Australia, Fiji, and even my hometown of T dot O dot, aka Toronto, aka Big Patty’s house. Some of the Snaps I received were confusing, frightening, and occasionally hilarious. Here are my favourites from the bunch.

This was one of the first Snaps I received. At first I thought whatever was on the wall (which looks suspiciously like ejaculate) was flying into his mouth. It still might have. I don't know, I'm not a scientist. It was at this moment I realized that the next week was going to be a weird, erotic recipe of laughs. 

This young gentleman sent me a video of himself making noises that were comparable to the loveable 80s extraterrestrial known as ET. Upon receiving it and watching it with a blank face, I proceeded to put down my phone and walk calmly over to my front door to lock it. I feared the next Snap I received would be a video of myself sleeping.

This girl was sobbing her eyes out on Snapchat—and it was also the first thing she ever sent to me. I have no idea why she's crying, but if I had to speculate I'd say it has something to do with Doriots Locos tacos coming to Canada. It's one of my favourites because it made me laugh the hardest, but I hope she’s ok.

Pretty sure this was the end result of the first picture. You know damn well where that stain came from! Stop playing games and throw down some answers. Why would you send me this? Now I can't sleep without knowing the dramatic conclusion of whatever the hell is on your pants. 

Sure it's a bit creepy that a complete stranger wants to see my “ballz,” but they're polite enough to say please. They also appear to have spelled picture as piclure, but these things happen. I wonder if this sloppy digital red ink on a black background technique for virtual ball-harvesting has ever been successful on Snapchat?

Perhaps this person is sending this request out en masse and receiving dozens of temporary scrotum Snaps in return? I've been blowing it this entire time. Here I am complaining about Snapchat on the internet, when I could've just sent out messages that make me seem like I’m a stroke victim, asking for incriminating photos from my pals strangers alike. You live and you learn.

This is my new buddy Andres. Andres usually sends me pictures of his weed and weed paraphernalia. One time, unsolicited, he gave me a tour of his bong and pipe collection. Andres is also the only person who called me out for taking screenshots of his Snaps—which he was none to pleased about—but then proceeded to send me more pictures and video of weed related activities, anyway. I'm a big fan of Andres. He also appears to be affiliated with a crew called 'Y$N.' What does it mean? Young Money Ninjas? Youth Dollar Nunchucks? Let me know, Andres. Let me know.

It's pretty obvious that Snapchat is a great booty call application. You could just send something like this out to dozens of people and eagerly wait for a positive reply. You could deny it ever happened as well, in a worst-case scenario, since there’s no trace of it ever being sent or received. Unless of course the person you invited to your private sex party took a screenshot, like I just did. In which case yes, you're screwed if you try to deny it. But regardless, in 2013 nothing says you're down for a night of romance better than a sassy Snapchat booty call involving some sidewalk chalk art.

You start Monday. Don't worry about a resume or experience we got you. 
 

Well, this concludes my bizarre Snapchat experience. Thanks to everyone who bombarded my inbox with crap over the past week or two. We've shared some laughs, had a cry, and ultimately I'm flattered and weirded out at the same time. Thanks for continuing to be useless, Snapchat. We might miss you when you’re dead.



Pat Maloney is a writer for the web series Random at Best. His Snapchat username is: patmaloney1

Previously:

Snapchat Sucks if You're Not Receiving Nudes