Canadians who were up early Monday might have been lucky enough to tune into Canada AM, CTV's morning show, and catch one of the most embarrassing rap battles to ever grace live television.
This thing was so bad that CTV had to apologize for it multiple times and refused to post the footage online, but thankfully someone else did.
The segment in question was promoting Blackout6, an upcoming Toronto rap battle being hosted by a group called King of the Dot.
"It started in the streets?" unassuming CTV host Marci Ien asked Organik, MC founder of King of the Dot, referring to the battles.
"In the streets, yes," said Organik, describing a rap battle as "two people competitively attacking each other with poetry."
Ien then introduced rappers HFK and Charron and greenlit their performance, saying, "go at it guys." Those words will likely haunt her for the rest of her career.
What followed was offensive on multiple levels, but primarily because it was so terrible.
The guys, who are godawful lyricists, made gay jokes, trans jokes, fat jokes and slut jokes. None of them were funny jokes. On a show most likely only being watched by suburban parents and their kids (it was Family Day in Alberta, Manitoba, Ontario and Saskatchewan ), they quipped about jerking off, blowjobs and "virgins in Oshawa." They also dropped references to "true dough," Dion Phaneuf and Michael Cera, giving this shit-pile of a performance a distinctly Canadian flair.
CTV didn't post the battle online, but someone leaked a shitty copy onto YouTube so we can all relive the pain (again and again, seriously I watched this like six times in a row).
HFK opened the battle, referring to himself as "Hugh Hefner going up against Bruce Jenner."
(Really setting the tone by channeling a man who is literally about to die at any minute.)
"Please save all your comments; before I grab your girlfriend and turn her O-N, like the Canadian province. I spent my Valentine's Day with a girl who's incredibly awesome; But you spent yours alone in your room, looking at pictures of Beverly Thomson."
Viewer's Note: Beverly Thomson is a host of Canada AM and yes, this dude just implied that his friend jerks off to photographs of her. Ien already seemed pretty uncomfortable at this point and appeared to be looking at someone off camera—though for reasons unknown the show carried on without cutting to commercial break.
Charron continued the searing hot exchange by teasing HFK for being fat and looking forward to Ribfest. Very timely. He added:
"I'm from the nation's capital; You gotta girl in T-dot with woof [?!]; But I had her move from Toronto to Ottawa; Dion Phaneuf."
Then there was some back and forth that implied people in Oshawa, Ontario have a lot of sex; in fairness, there might not be all that much else to do there.
"Chances of you being a gangster are about as low as finding a virgin in Oshawa," said HFK; Charron responded, "It is hard to find virgins in Oshawa, especially cause your girlfriend lives there."
In a super ironic diss, Charron said, "It's funny you say I look like Michael Cera—but your rhymes are super bad." (At no point did anyone else mention Michael Cera.)
Incredibly, the four-minute battle continued uninterrupted. Personally, I think this soundbite from HFK summed it up nicely:
"And since I got the spotlight and I'm on TV, there's something I want to say: Just cause Charron gave me head, it doesn't mean that he's gay. But hey, Happy Valentine's Day."
When it was done, a somewhat stunned Ien thanked her guests and said sorry to viewers.
"Cause we're a morning show and this isn't the streets, we gotta apologize for some the language right there," she said.
The men were reportedly then escorted out of the studio by security before they could hurt anyone else with bad poetry.
Canada AM followed up with a Facebook apology that said "the lyrics were unexpected and not reflective of our beliefs."
Screenshot via YouTube.
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