"Let's get together after Fashion Week when everything calms down" says everyone and their fucking mother. Even the cashier at my bodega probably got invited to a fashion show and is feigning lack of time due to their oh-so busy commitments. Calm down, people. You're not Anna Wintour, and this isn't Paris in the 90s. This is NYC in 2016, and there's over 400 shows you could go to this week. What's chic about that?

There are plenty of amazing designers pulling at my fashion-loving heart strings; I support and applaud them, and so should you. But not every show is worth spending hours in traffic and running in heels during the winter for the "privilege" of seeing models walk down a white catwalk and getting rushed out 30 seconds later for the next designer's show on the exact same runway. Let's be honest. Give club kids $100, drop them off at the dollar store, and they'll turn the dance floor into a personal runway that outdoes most of NYFW.

I love Fashion Week, but when I make the time to get all dressed up and spend hours in New York traffic while agreeing to a 3x Uber fare hike, I want to see a goddamn show! Last night I fell into my often-visited YouTube black hole of Galliano-era Dior and Mugler couture—and almost wept. I'm just going to leave this video right here. Think about it the next time you're rushing to the opening of an envelope.

So let's keep it real THUMP readers. You're not looking for the next innovation in tailoring. You want to see some cool shit. I don't blame you... I'll see you there!

1. Kanye West's Madison Square Garden Shitshow

Photo via Flickr

Designer: Kanye West

Location: Madison Square Garden (AND THE WHOLE WORLD)

Date: Thursday, February 10 at 4PM

What's the deal: It seems so wrong to start a Fashion Week guide with Kanye West. But once again, Yeezy is hijacking NYFW with his not-so-eleganté arroganté by inserting himself last minute into the schedule. In true Yeezy form, the rapper, designer, and future presidential candidate decided to pull the Fashion Week stunt of all stunts by presenting his Yeezy Season 3 collection along with a listening party for his new album all at once at at Madison Square Garden. It sold out in 10 minutes. Dont worry, it's being shown four times that day in movie theaters worldwide. Yeezy, Breezy, Beautiful: Covergirl. (More info)

2. Adam Selman and His Bad Girl Gang at Milk Studios

Designer: Adam Selman

Location: Milk Studios

Date: Thursday, February 11, 6:30PM

What's the deal: Once, I was photobombed by Rihanna (see above). You can't be mad at that, and of course it could only happen at an Adam Selman show. Yes, he designs for Rihanna, but he is so much more than the sum of those 230,000 hand-beaded Swarovski crystals that he and his team hand-applied to her infamous, sparkling, near-nude CFDA award gown. Last year, in a show that would make John Waters proud, he sent his gang of bouffanted bad girls to loiter around a chain-link fence like they were skipping school. You could almost smell the cigarette smoke and teenage lust. Adam Selman likes his girls so bad that they're good. I'd be his Traci Lords, any day! (More info)

3. Chromat's Pussy-Popping Party at Le Bain

Photo courtesy of Chromat

Designer: Chromat

Location: Le Bain

Date: Friday February 12, 10PM

What's the deal: If the Spice girls had a sixth member, it would be Becca McCharen. Spreading an elevated message of girl power to a culturally aware generation, this CFDA finalist is Bushwick's anti-Posh Spice. Manhattan might rule Fashion Week, but Brooklyn is the queen of nightlife, and there's not a party in the borough that's not full of Chromat's structural masterpieces. Speaking of nightclubs, McCharen's fiancé is a member of the Discwoman collective, so you can guarantee Chromat's afterparty will have fewer fuccbois and Vogue intern rejects and more pussy-poppin' beats and cool babes dancing till the sun comes up. (More info)

4. Diesel's Steamy Rager in an Honest-to-God Mansion

Photo by Rebecca Smeyne

Designer: DIESEL

Location: In a mansion far, far away...

Date: Saturday, February 13, 8PM to 12AM

What's the Deal: Did you catch Gaga during the Superbowl? Hillary Clinton called, she wants her pantsuit back. Unfortunately, Nicola Formichetti, Gaga's stylist in the good days of meat dressses, currently has his hands full as Diesel's artistic director. With Formichetti's newest campaign ads featured on Tinder, Grindr and Pornhub, you can guarantee that the Diesel afterparty will have some hot and steamy moments. In full disclosure (since you can't hide anything on the internet anyways!), I'm co-hosting this rager along with Nicola. We have a slew of surprises, alongside DJs Virgil Abloh and Heron Preston in the mansion of all motherfucking mansions. You want to be there. As for your chances of getting in... do you have my phone number? Text me! ... Sry, new phone, who dis?

5. Jeremy Scott at the New Club in Town—Flash Factory

Jeremy Scott at his afterparty at Space Ibiza New York last year (Photo courtesy of Jeremy Scott)

Designer: Jeremy Scott

Location: The new Flash Factory

Date: Monday, February 15, 2PM

What's the deal: It's only appropriate that the man whose sneakers are on the feet of every go-go dancer in New York would always throw the most classic "club party" of Fashion Week. For the second year in a row, Scott has managed to secure dibs on the new kid on the block. Last year, he popped the cherry for New York's Space Ibiza, and this year, Scott christens the newly-opened Flash Factory—not to be confused with late-80s hotspot Sound Factory. Although after going to Flash Factory's recent opening, I'll say it's going to give you serious old-school club vibes with its insane Funktion-one sound system and a light show to make your molly kick in. I wonder if the club is going to give a night to a promoter to fill it with downtown freaks who love good beats?! Hint hint... coming soon!

6. Launch of 'LOVE/SEXO'—Marco Ovando's Ballsy New Magazine

(Photo courtesy of Marco Ovando)

Event:LOVE/SEXO magazine launch

Location: Hotel Americano

Date: Thursday, Feb 11, 9PM-midnight

What's the deal: This one is for the boys! After spending a decade perfecting his craft of photographing perfectly chiseled guys, downtown nightlife superstar photographer Marco Ovando has finally launched a magazine of his sexy black and white photos. Hosted by Dan Ragone, the president of Interview magazine, it will be just enough fashion chic with a lot more opportunity for cruising and meeting future ex-husbands! (More info)

7. Hood By Air's Runway Show (Which Is Always a Party)

(Photo by Harry Carr)

Label: Hood By Air

Location: [undisclosed]

Date: Sunday February 14, 1PM

What's the deal: Journalists are desperate to understand HBA. To categorize HBA. To philosophize HBA. But if you don't get it now, you probably never will. During Fashion Week in Paris, I didn't realize HBA fam was there. Then I found out they did a secret show, so I knew they'd be at [famous Parisian gay sex club] Le Dépot celebrating. I Facetimed Shayne while drunk and naked from my Airbnb. He had just come back from Dépot and was also drunk and half-naked in his Airbnb. Paris Fashion Week... we just looked at each other and laughed so hard with an understanding sigh. I wished I had been at Dépot with them all earlier so bad I could almost smell the poppers. You just live it. Journalists will never understand.(More info)

8. Launch of Masha Orlov's New Fashion Bible 'The Know'

A spread in The Know (Photo by Elise Gallant)

Event: The Know: Cultural Almanac

Location: The Club Room at Soho Grand

Date: Friday February 12, 9PM-2AM

What's the deal: Anyone who has the balls to start a print publication in today's media climate deserves a tip of the hat. Leave it to Masha Orlov, stylist extraordinaire and purveyor of cool to go for it! I met Masha through a mutual friend and personal hero of mine, Andre Walker, who himself had a much-loved paper bible of cool called TIWIMUTA. Masha's new publication is called The Know, and it was nice to see downtown sweethearts and nightlife fixtures AHARAW & Nelleke kissing on the cover—instead of the ubiquitous Hadid sisters or the KKKardashians.

Based on the old-fashioned concept of the Almanac, The Know claims to be inclusive, made for anyone looking for "strong editorial content, beautiful imagery and big notions." Do people want to spend money on print when they can whack off to a flood of fast information on the internet for free? I can't help but remember the words of Dame Vivienne Westwood: "Buy less. Choose well. Make it last." Print is dead. Long live print! (More info)

Ladyfag throws underground parties for the fabulous freaks of NYC. She also throws parties for the fashion pack, who in her mind are the real freaks. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.