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Here Are All The Ways The New Nickelback Album Will Be Better Than 'SWISH'

"Wolves" will never be as great as that one song they made about 'Spider-Man.'

by Noisey Canada Staff
Jan 26 2016, 6:02pm


Sophisticated excellence captured on camera via Twitter

Over the weekend, Kanye West released the messily handwritten tracklist for his long overdue new album, SWISH. While many were filled with excitement, others weren’t so thrilled. Fans of Legendary Canadian rock band Nickelback fell in the latter group after the band tweeted “Good news: we're working on new music. Bad news for us: @kanyewest 'Swish' will be the best album of all time. #SWISH #Kanye.” Understandably, Nickelback fans weren’t impressed with the idea of a Kanye album possibly surpassing the celestial merger of talent and great hair that is Nickelback and responded with comments like:

and more importantly this:

And while the band made it clear that they are fans of Mr. West, we can’t help but wonder if fans of the country rockers might be right. Let’s look at the list of all the ways the new Nickelback album will be better than SWISH:

It Will Be Delivered On Time

SWISH was supposed to come out last year, and the campaign started with some Paul McCartney features to start the year. But despite the fact that we’ve heard “Wolves” in numerous live performances last year, we’ll have to wait until February 11th of 2016 to hear the CDQ. Unlike Kanye’s roll-out, we can guarantee that a Nickelback album will come from nowhere, with a “terrifying disco nightmare” visual accompaniment.

Nickelback Won’t Give You a Project Where You’ve Already Heard Most of the Songs

After Kanye unveiled the handwritten tracklist of ten songs on his Twitter the other day, you may have found yourself surprised to see that you’ve already heard two of them, two and a half if you count the non-CDQ version of “Wolves.” With “Real Friends” and “No More Parties in LA” already released, the general public has already had a chance to experience and digest 20% of the album. With Nickelback, you know that by the time the album comes out, you’ll have only heard the tip of the iceberg. Granted, that tip will be played into the ground thanks to the appeal of bro-country, not to mention Canadian radio laws. But nonetheless, the rest of the project will be a surprise to all of the people who tried their best to avoid it. There’s also probably gonna be 20-something songs on it, one or two of which will be good.

Chad Kroeger is a Better Writer than Kanye West.

Kanye West is supposed to be one of the greatest artists of our time, but we can tell you what he is not: a good songwriter. You know deep down that it’s probably Cyhi the Prynce, Consequence, or Rhymefest writing all of your favourite verses. But you know who we can confidently say writes all of their songs? Chad, whose deep cut "Pornstar Dancing" has more emotional punch than that any song Kanye has ever made, especially that one track where he sings about jogging while playing the piano for 10 minutes. And although we haven’t heard it, we can also confidently say that Chad can definitely write a better song than one called “Nina Chop.”

Nickelback Won’t Make a Song About Shoes

We’re not sure at what point on SWISH Kanye West will mention his Adidas contract, but we can be sure that it will happen. On the flip side, you could go through numerous Nickelback projects and not even know what shoes they wear. Do they even wear shoes? Are shoes legal in Canada? We have no way of knowing, considering that it’s never mentioned. If Nickelback ever does make a song about shoes, we can guarantee that they won’t be flashy about it. Maybe the line will be something like “look at my shoes / I sing the blues.”