Since the birth of this great nation, Canada has seen its fair share of conflicts. From the heated debate over our country's independence that surely, almost, came to blows to the great 2013 Montreal factory fire that claimed the lives of no one but resulted in the loss of three million dollars worth of cheese and a poutine drought, we've endured it all. However, there is one that remains as a dark spot in our English-Quebecois kingdom: Kanye West. While the origins of this contention between country and artist are unclear, it recently came to a head between Mr. West and Toronto producer Deadmau5 over Twitter.
The heated debate started after the Canadian producer took aim at the Chicagoan for allegedly attempting to illegally download synthesizer plug-in software, Serum. He also called him a "dick" which probably didn't help the situation. West, being the natural enemy of the North, returned with several barbs that made fun of Mr. mau5's choice in headwear attire and the ill-advised spelling of his name. And though no clear winner has been decided in this contest of words and co-Tidal owners, we've decided to chronicle Mr. West's long-standing contention with us, Canadians to determine a winner.
Kanye Vs. A Canadian-Comedian
We'll be the first admit Mr. West's now-infamous statement about former U.S. President George Bush wasn't incorrect. Still, co-host and Canadian actor, Mike Myers probably would've appreciated a bit of forewarning. Just look at the shock evident on Myers' face, realizing that he's been inadvertently made a part of a revolt he didn't prepare for. No amount of screen time with Beyonce in Austin Powers could've saved him from the sweat and embarrassment provided by the passion of Yeezus.
Winner: Kanye West
Kanye Vs. A Canadian Indie Band
Arcade Fire is one of the biggest indie bands in the world. But once upon a time in 2007 they were just a group of people from Montreal who made loud noises with instruments to the acclaim of many. Well, except for one Mr West who stated in an interview, "'Man, I don't really get the Arcade Fire thing.' 'I been listening to it on my iPod, trying to understand why people get off on it, but I just don't get it." Five years later, someone did and the band would win the 2011 Grammy for Album of The Year beating out Katy Perry classic Teenage Dream. West, apparently happy with this news, would tweet his support. Then delete his support. And then tweet his support again with "#ARCADEFIRE!" However, the shade was already thrown. It should be noted one went on to make a nearly hour and a half double album that everyone forgot while the other went on to change the way we say "Good Morning" forever so…
Winner: Kanye West
Kanye Vs A Canadian Model
Here's one nobody remembers, some woman from Montreal named Leyla Ghobadi once accused West of cheating on then-girlfriend Kim Kardashian. Going on to claim that he told her his relationship with Kim "was for publicity and nothing serious."
Winner: North "Nori" West
Kanye Vs A Canadian Rapper
Sometimes ignorant Americans ask "How long has Canada existed as a nation?" Well, to answer your question it was 2009, when So Far Gone came out. Of course, Mr West would take issue with our rise to prominence and pre-emptively try to sabotage it with his music video directorial debut of Pornhub classic "Best I Ever Had." Drake, however, would endure and go on to be one of our country's strongest defenders against the mighty West. Even, going as far to push Ye' to admit Watch The Throne was a consequence of Aubrey's dominance. Unfortunately, Drake's latest bid for the number one spot on Billboard's Top 100 with "Hotline Bling" fell flat while Kanye has had three songs at the top spot. Hell, even fellow Canadian The Weeknd got three up there in half the time. They even made a song together. HAHAHAHA
Winner: Kanye… and Abel.
Kanye and His 60-ft LED screen Vs. (Presumably) A Canadian Tree
In 2013, The Yeezus Tour was in full swing, until it wasn't, thanks to Vancouver. Now, I, know, we as Canadians, love each province and city equally but Vancouver is top three one of the worst places in existence. Everything closes early, it rains all the time, and smells like bear food even when you're inside. And what kind of loser city has it's own tree book with quotes about trees. So, it's no surprise that a truck heading to Vancouver for a scheduled tour stop carrying Yeezus' custom-made video truss and 60-ft circular LED screen was damaged beyond repair in an "accident." Likely, because of said trees. The accident would postpone both Toronto and Vancouver concerts by a whole month and cancel the Montreal show entirely.
Winner: Vancouver's deciduous tree department
Kanye West Vs Canadian Mayor
The precursor to international embarrassment and Twitter personality Norm Kelly, Toronto Mayor John Tory decided to be hip for the youth while listening to West's best single— according to white people—"Stronger." He'd also mistake West as a Canadian.
Winner: Kanye, without even lifting a finger
Kanye West Vs Major Canadian Sporting EventJuly 27, 2015
Canadians have a very short list of Canadian musicians we actually like. However, when you Americans decide to take center stage at our events our tastes expand to immeasurable lengths and we remember that we're responsible for the likes of Shania Twain, Celine Dion, The Tragically Hip, and sometimes The Tea Party if we're desperate. And look no further than the 2015 Pan Am Games for a reminder of this as we fought tooth and nail against West performing at our closing ceremonies. Oooh, we were so angry we made a petition. And then West came and performed anyways. Then threw our precious mic in the air and let it drop and smash into a million little pieces without giving two fucks in front of a national audience.
Winner: Kanye and the people who actually went to the Pan Am Closing Ceremonies
Kanye Vs Out of Touch Canadian Producer
Do you know who Bob Ezrin is? Bob Ezrin knows who Bob Ezrin is. Bob Ezrin is a Canadian music producer. Bob Ezrin has worked with Lou Reed, Alice Cooper, Kiss, Pink Floyd, Gabriel, and Phish. Bob Ezrin said West didn't open up new avenues of discourse or art in hip-hop. Bob Ezrin has never listened to College Dropout. Bob Ezrin has never listened to 808 & Heartbreak. Bob Ezrin doesn't even know what a discography is. Bob Ezrin said Macklemore is meaningful. Bob Ezrin was one of one people who bought This Unruly Mess I Made.
Winner: Kany—Bob Ezrin
Kanye West Vs A Canadian Charity
Us, not U.S. Trump voters, us, Canadians have always been a superior bunch when it comes to the betterment of other people. Sometimes. And while West was arguing in favour of being a better investment than opening a school in Africa and begging for a billion dollar handout from monochrome sweatsuit innovator, Mark Zuckerberg we made a handy online charity campaign called "Help Kenya, not Kanye." The proceeds of which went to an Edmonton-based charity that helps children in Nairobi. See, we Canadians are petty, passive aggressive people but we also know how to channel that energy into something positive so we feel valuable. We are great. Canada is great.
Winner: Shout outs to Edmonton.
Kanye West Vs Disgruntled Canadian Electronic Producer
Once touted as electronic scene's very own Kanye West, for his outspokenness, although he falls more on the overall salty and poor attitude scale it was inevitable before these two would clash. Here's the thing though, nobody, including Canada, likes Deadmau5. Nobody even knows what he really does anymore and his former Toronto condo looks a mausoleum for pained musicians who like to write Sex and The City fan fiction. It also doesn't help he's proudly proclaimed downloading illegal software before. The very same thing he's accusing Kanye of doing. With that said, look forward to seeing him on Nori and Saint's periscope for their joint birthday party very soon.
Winner: Canada doesn't want him so Kanye
Canada: 2 and a half Bob Ezrins
Winner: Kanye Omari West!
Jabbari Weekes is a Canadian. Follow him on Twitter.