So, I’ve been learning about style from Hilary Duff since I lined my entire head with butterfly clips in 2001. I still remember the episode of Lizzie McGuire that convinced me to drop everything and go buy a crimper. She taught me that there was no such thing as too many accessories. To invest in a clip-on nose ring. That prints on prints on prints are totally OK. That I should absolutely, definitely cut my bangs. I looked up to her so much back then that when I recently took an online quiz that said I was more of a Miranda (ew) than a Lizzie, I literally had an identity crisis. The only good thing about Lizzie McGuire ending was Hilary Duff’s subsequent transformation into Disney’s most flawless test-tube pop-star. But even as Hilary Duff said goodbye to Disney, she continued to dictate the tween-age fashion trends. I charted her every sartorial move, from a smokey eye to those seriously questionable teeth veneers. I didn’t have sisters. I had Hilary freaking Duff.
But something disturbing is happening in the Haus of Duff recently. Last week, the actress-turned-pop-star-turned-actress released a disaster of a music video for her new single, "Sparks." As part of the recent promotional campaign for Tinder, celebrities like Zedd and Jason Durulo are posing on the dating app as a PR stunt to trick you into buying music (or losing faith in humanity one swipe at a time). My poor, sweet Hilary Duff got roped up into madness. Like, she married a hockey player, had a baby, divorced the hockey player, and totally lost her way. Somewhere along the way, this happened. Watch at your own risk!
Someone needs to tell Hilary Duff to stop following Kylie Jenner on Instagram. The pleather panties and the cropped diamante vests? I can't. I think it's time we retrace her steps to remind her who she was and what she stood for because this pastel nightmare is very, very 2000. I mean, everything in this video is 15 years past the sell-by-date. Hilary, this is an intervention and a tribute to what you were and what we hope you can be moving forward. Don't raise your voice so much that you lose it. In the immortal words of Jeff VonVonderen, "I see a bunch of people who love you like crazy and fear that they're losing you. And wanna fight to get you back." So join me as we remenisce about a few of Hilary Duff's most influential fashion moments with this installment of "What I Leaned About Style."
FIRST OF ALL, FINGERLESS LEATHER GLOVES GO WITH LITERALLY EVERYTHING
Nothing punctuates a classic H-Duff vocal fry than punching the air in a fingerless leather glove! And with a studded microphone? C'mon.
DREAMS ARE OBVIOUSLY MADE OF PERIWINKLE PANTSUITS
Wear this outfit on a school trip to Italy and everyone in Europe will mistake you for an international pop star. True story. Haven't you seen "The Lizzie McGurie Movie?"
WHY NOT TAKE A CRAZY CHANCE AND JUST WEAR THE ALL-BLACK BODY SUIT WITH THE BELLY CUT-OUTS ALREADY? IT'S 2003.
Let's be real. This was probably the most outrageous outfit to have ever appeared on the Disney Channel at the time. I mean, tummy eyelets? That's pushing the envelope. But I'd be kidding myself if I didn't admit to wearing this exact outfit like yesterday.
WHY TAKE A SHOWER WHEN YOU CAN JUST STAND IN THE RAIN?
She just cares a lot about water conservation, OK? HilDuff2016.
ON THAT NOTE, WHY TRAVEL THE WORLD YOU CAN JUST DRESS UP AND PRETEND?
Is it a little culturally insensitive? Sure, but it's way cheaper this way. You can go anywhere. Even Tokyo!
FORGET THE LITTLE BLACK DRESS AND INVEST IN A LITTLE BLACK WIG
Someone definitely made Hilary Duff watch Pulp Fiction in 2006 and the rest is history because she clearly LOVES this Mia Wallace wig. She wears it in three different music videos. Let's just say Cleopatra knew what was up back in 30 BC.
NEVER FORGT THE 3 H's: HILARY, HOODIES, AND HOOPS
She may be all famous and whatever but when it comes down to it, she's just Hilary from the block and wants you to know it. Also, dying your hair will make you totally unrecognizable and edgy! Right?
AND MOST IMPORANTLY, WHY STRESS OVER GREASY BANGS WHEN THERE'S ALWAYS A DUFF PUFF?
You know you're a style icon once you have your own hair do named after you. And even though a certain leathery guidette on MTV tried to jack this look on Jersey Shore, get real. It's obviously a Hil Duff original. In some anthropoligical circles, it's referred to as the Aaron Carter mating call.
Hilary, I think you let the rain wash away a little too much of your sanity back in '03. You don't need to dance around in pastel and sign up for Tinder to stay relevant. You made it all the way to 27 without a post-Disney breakdown. That is a crowning achievment in itself. Maybe you should call up Gordo and see what he's up to instead of dating this basic dudes in polo shirts that like to bowl. But at the end of the day, no matter how this second adolesence plays out, you'll never be so yesterday to me. You helped me so much growing up. Now let us help you.
Bryn Lovitt is obviously following Hilary Duff on Twitter.