ultimate dumbass chicago

Total love and respect to French psycho Costes, whose filthy, elaborate, ritualistic pain-operas have him permanently 86ed from certain parts of the planet. But what he spends like a year planning for is stuff that kids in Chicago do on a lark on a Friday night. For instance: Ultimate Dumbass.

Ultimate Dumbass was a contest to see who could, with some type of sound performance, win the title of being a giant fucking idiot. It’s the kind of thing that by winning, really that means you’ve lost—and in fact, participating… no wait, even just attending means you’ve lost as well. It took place in a warehouse in Chicago, where if you wanted to torture or even kill yourself during a party it'd be really easy--there are homemade Medieval stocks handy, as well as a gallows pole complete with noose.

It was some real end-of-times behavior. Here’s what happened:

Judges Rotten Milk and Meg McCarville, aka Li'l Princess, (there was one more, named Rich Salamander) would watch the monkeys onstage and then comment.

People threw things all night long. These things were beer cans, tomatoes, folding chairs, and probably some other things that I missed.

This was a very historically accurate representation of Sylvia Plath reading poetry, and in a twist nuked her head in the microwave.

These guys, a duo known as Turtle Powder or C.H.E.R. or Count Dracula Africa, did their makeup...

This is what their lair looked like.

Made sure to get that Mancow goatee just right.

Kids chilling on the roof; meanwhile, on the ground level there was a fist-fight literally in a pile of beer bottles in various stages of being whole.

Missed this act but it's pretty self-explanatory.

Digeridudes made throat-singing noises into PVC pipe and were gonged off the stage. Judge Meg McCarville noted they were so terrible they gave her multiple personality disorder.

Whatever this guy did, when he was done he put his boxers on and honestly did not notice that they were on fire.
How do you not notice if your underwear's on fire?

The piss in the trash can ended up all over the audience when someone rushed the stage and knocked it over. A handful of kids rolled around in it like fucking feral animals.

This set ended with repetitively head-butting the gong so hard someone got scared for her and took it away.

Called Spit Butt, this act consisted of the front man dropping trou and going face down, ass up. Before he did this, he announced that he needed a singer. One jumped up and immediately assumed an Einstürze Neubauten affectation while the other performer chugged what appeared to be vinegar, and barfed all over the main guy's asshole. Repeatedly. Right where the sun don't shine. And hocked snot-wads into there, and poured beer and ashed cigarettes and god knows what else--by the time I was up close it looked like there was also maybe cum and I want to say lotion but that sounds too innocent. Something creamy, white, and gooey that wasn't sperm.  

This act pretty much did me in, as my heart broke when I saw the lead ass wipe a couple involuntary tears from his eyes. I wanted to hug him, and everyone around him was completely indifferent to the ultimate act of degradation. I went home.

Though apparently it didn't end there. I woke up the next morning to a message from my friend:

"You might not want to write about Dumbass until we talk about the naked girl who put herself in the stocks for an hour or so and was ignored by the entire party the whole time. Plus Meg's winning 'performance,' which consisted of her macing herself onstage and the judges begging for someone to bring her milk or at least water to wash the shit out of her eyes."

So in case you were wondering, one of the judges won because she maced herself in the face.