Big Boy Trump Proves He’s Not a Liddle Baby Anymore on Japan Trip

"I never knew we had so many countries," the president, who is definitely not a baby, remarked.

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Nov 6 2017, 9:56pm

With everything calm at home, our baby president Donald Trump has embarked on a 12-day trip to Asia. According to the White House, "The President's travel will underscore his commitment to longstanding United States alliances and partnerships, and reaffirm United States leadership in promoting a free and open Indo-Pacific region," and Trump reportedly plans to speak to Russian President Vladimir Putin about North Korea, but I think I know the real reason he's taking this trip: He wants to look like a big boy.

With poll ratings in the dumps and some friends who might go to prison, Trump is obviously looking to signal American strength and project a strong image abroad, by which I mean for once not act like a total baby. Here's how it's gone so far:

After making a brief stop in Hawaii, where he was met by widespread protests, Trump landed in Japan on Sunday for some presidential business, which is known by insiders as "the big boy stuff." First on his agenda? Show everyone his big boy picture, which is known by outsiders as a "presidential portrait."

Photo: KAZUHIRO NOGI / Getty Images

Do liddle babies have such nice pictures taken of them? I don't think so. Why not? Because babies don't even know what pictures are.

After Trump did so good showing everyone his big boy picture, he took the stage at Yokota Air Base to receive a present from the US Pacific Air Forces. Now, I'm not sure if you're aware of how presents work, but dumb babies don't get cool grownup bomber jackets. Only big boys do.

Photo: JIM WATSON/AFP/Getty Images

I mean, that jacket wouldn't fit a baby, would it?

"We dominate the sky. We dominate the sea. We dominate the land and space," the big boy in his new big boy jacket informed the troops. He also reminded them of "a very, very special day—it's called Election Day."

But the fun did not stop at Yokota Air Base. Our half-grownup president then went to a luncheon with Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe—has a baby ever been invited to a luncheon before? Absolutely not!

This is where he got to give a big boy gift to his favorite grownup in all of Japan—a friendship hat, which is the boy version of a friendship bracelet.

Photo: Franck Robichon/Pool via Bloomberg/Getty Images

"Donald & Shinzo make alliance even greater," read the friendship hat. The besties also played a round of golf together, which is Trump's most favouritest big boy game.

Then they fed some fish. Some meanies said that Trump was bad and wrong for dumping in all his food at once but they were the ones who were wrong actually he was just doing what his best friend Abe did. So there!

The next day, Shinzo Abe threw Trump a big boy banquet, where the president made a toast. Even though Trump doesn't drink alcohol—he's a big boy after all, not a full-fledged grownup—he bravely raised a glass of big boy juice.

Photo: SHIZUO KAMBAYASHI/AFP/Getty Images

In his big boy speech, Trump reminisced about his former days as a baby. "I never ran, so I wasn't very experienced," Trump said on running for the presidency. "And after I had won, everybody was calling me from all over the world. I never knew we had so many countries."

The big boy is probably learning all kinds of stuff now!

Follow Eve Peyser on Twitter.

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