The VICE Guide to Star Wars

A IS FOR A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY

It doesn't matter how much English is spoken in vague aristocratic accents or how many aliens look like anthropomorphized Earth creatures, everything that happens in the movies happened way back in the past in a planetary system light years away from us. The similarities are just coincidence.

Think of it like this: The universe is infinite and constantly expanding, and there are a finite amount of elemental particles to arrange themselves into permutations to become worlds and people and shit, so it is entirely plausible that really, really, really far away a bunch of humanoid creatures evolved and created a language that approximates English and drink milk (but it's blue because not everything is exactly like Earth), you know? It's all just math and probabilities.

Honorable Mentions: Ahmad Best; Adam Driver's Weird Face

B IS FOR BLAST!

Whenever someone in the Star Wars universe wants to swear, they just say "blast." This is by far the most unrealistic part of Star Wars. Like, it's not unreasonable to presume that millions of years ago in a galaxy not unlike our own that life developed the technology that would allow them to go around from planet to planet fighting with laser swords and shooting each other with laser guns.

On top of that, we're supposed to buy that a good 60 percent of these life forms are human, and that most of them are at least vaguely human-shaped, and that the vast majority of everyone speaks English. But of all the similarities to our own reality and language, they don't yell out "motherfucker!" when somebody's shooting a goddamn laser at their face? Fuck that, dude.

Honorable Mentions: Billy Dee Williams; "Basic" Is the Language that People Speak in Star Wars

C IS FOR CRAP THAT DISNEY WANTS YOU TO BUY

That iPhone-controlled BB-8 is the Turbo Man of Christmas 2015. Star Wars is a lot of things to a lot of people, but mostly it's a delivery system for adorable droid merchandise.

Honorable Mentions: C-3PO; Capes (Lots of People in Star Wars Wear Them); Cloud City

D IS FOR DADS

One of the reasons (I think) that The Force Awakens is being released over Christmas is so millions of nerdy boys the world over can go see the movie with their equally nerdy dads. Just think of this as a bonding experience with ol' pop, and not a Disney-mandated Bataan Death March to the nearest movie theater so you can take part in the last great shared cultural experience before the internet fully fractures whatever semblance of monoculture our once-great nation still clings to.

Honorable Mentions: Dark Side; Darths in General; Death Sticks a.k.a. the Drugs of Star Wars; Dexter Jettster; Droids

E IS FOR EXPECTATIONS

There is no way Star Wars is going to be as good as you want it to be. If The Force Awakens ends up being a standard space-action flick, you'll be mad it didn't have enough byzantine crap about treaty negotiations. If there's too much space bureaucracy, all you nerds will just be mad that it was too much like The Clone Wars, which fucking sucked. There will either be too much Luke Skywalker or not enough Luke Skywalker. The lightsaber battles will either be too boring or Kylo Ren's technique will deviate too far from the seven accepted forms of lightsaber combat. JJ Abrams will ruin Star Wars while also saving it. The Force Awakens will eat shit but also shit gold.

Honorable Mentions: Ewoks; The Empire; Everyone Will See This Movie

F IS FOR FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA

George Lucas just wanted to make modest little movies, guys. He didn't expect Star Wars to skyrocket him to fame and fortune. He wanted to make weird shit like THX 1138 or nostalgia pieces about his teenage years hot-rodding around and verbally harassing women out or car windows.

Lucas's buddy and pseudo-mentor Francis Ford Coppola recently said it was a "pity" that his pal George "got lost" in the Star Wars franchise. Well, worry not, FFC: Maybe now that Disney's bought the rights to the Star Wars universe, Lucas can go back to making movies that no one actually gives a shit about.

Honorable Mentions: Force (The); Fuck Star Trek

G IS FOR GROSS, BOX OFFICE

The amount of money this movie will bring in on opening weekend is more than a lot of small island nations can claim as their GDP.

Honorable Mentions: George Lucas; Greedo; Graflex Flash

H IS FOR 'HAMILTON,' THE BROADWAY MUSICAL

Hamilton is Lin-Manuel Miranda's rap history lesson for adults with a lot of money to burn. Miranda also wrote new cantina music for TFA because John Williams didn't feel like it. Get ready for the Modal Nodes to drop bars about the man who revolutionized the Galactic Credit financial system.

Honorable Mentions: Han Solo, Hoth; Hux, General

I IS FOR I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS

This is the most-repeated phrase in the Star Wars movies. It's also what I would probably say right after taking ayahuasca, because it seems like one of those things that I would really need to be in the right mind state for, and if I wasn't or even if I thought I wasn't and then it hit at the wrong time I might end up disassociating or some shit and never totally come back in like a bad way and—wait, what were we talking about?

Honorable Mentions: It's a Traaaaaaaaaaaap; Imperial March; Incest

J IS FOR JAKKU

One of the reasons it's projected that The Force Awakens will make Disney $25 billion in the next five years is they realized if you want to make more money, you just need to take an old thing, slap a different name on it, then tell everybody it's brand spankin' new. Which is to say, Jakku is Tatooine and don't let JJ Abrams say any different. Nerds: The comments section is below. You know what to do.

Honorable Mentions: JJ Abrams; Jabba the Hutt; Jango Fett; Jizz

K IS FOR KASDAN, LAWRENCE

Lawrence Kasdan is a god among men. The man wrote The Empire Strikes Back, the best Star Wars movie according to anyone who isn't a dumbass or a troll, and then he fucking penned Raiders of the Lost Ark immediately afterwards and went on to slay the screenplay game through the 1980s. Body Heat? Him. Silverado? Yup. The Big Chill is the best indictment of the Hippie movement since "Slouching Towards Bethlehem." The man knows his way around a movie script, alright? If The Force Awakens sucks, blame it on JJ for his co-writing duties. Kasdan is fuego.

Honorable Mentions: Kessel Run; Knights of Ren; Kathleen Kennedy

L IS FOR LUKE SKYWALKER

Remember how Luke Skywalker looked real different in Empire Strikes Back because Mark Hamill got in a bad car accident and they worked in that whole Wampa attack in the first Act to explain it away? Well, Luke Skywalker's going to look a whole lot different this time around, since he's now old as the hills and sporting an Obi-Wan beard.

Is that his robot hand touching R2 in the trailer? Is he Sith now? Is he only going to appear in the last few minutes? Shut up and just watch it and find out.

Honorable Mentions: Lucasfilm; Life Day; Lloyd, Jake

M IS FOR MAZ KANATA

Maz Kanata is one of the only CGI characters in the new movie, which means she's probably worthy of a TW/CW after the abuse we suffered at the hands of General Grievous and that floppy-eared Gungan fuck, but Maz might actually be kinda tight. She's played by Oscar-winner Lupita Nyong'o and will probably be the new Yoda or something. Someone also said that she's a Jawa without a cloak on, but probably not.

Honorable Mentions: Midichlorians; McCool, Droopy; Millions of Dollars

N IS FOR NAMES

Why are all the new Star Wars names so goddamn complicated? "Maz Kanata" sounds like some made-up bullcrap your uncle tries to play in Scrabble for like a billion points on a triple-word tile. Kylo Ren? That sounds so Irish I'm pretty sure James Joyce made it up.

Honorable Mentions: Nein Nunb; Nerfherder; Nerds

O IS FOR ORGASM

While no one has had an orgasm on-camera in a Star Wars movie (unless a Storm Trooper was secretly creaming his pants in some scene?), somewhere, in a stiff gymsock-stuffed bedroom not-so-far away, a teen is planning to give or receive an ill-advised handjob in the back of a theater during The Force Awakens.

Honorable Mentions: Obi-Wan; Opening Crawl

P IS FOR 'POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE'

Carrie Fisher should write a Star Wars Anthology film about a down-and-out Oola from Jabba's palace hooked on Death Sticks having to come to terms with her mother who was once a hot-shit dancer for a Hutt in 30 BBY.

Honorable Mentions: Padawan Learner Braid; Poo-doo

Q IS FOR QUI-GON JINN

As an actor, Liam Neesom has a very particular set of skills, and zero of them include waving a laser sword around. Qui-Gon was a garbage Jedi. He disobeyed the Council to raise Anakin, he didn't sense the Trade Federation's trap or trust Obi-Wan's intuition, and cheating at dice can't be in keeping with the Jedi Code of Honor. A sizable portion of the blame for the fall of Jedi/rise of the Galactic Empire can fall directly on Qui-Gon's shoulders. Fuck him.

Honorable Mentions: Queen Amidala; Quests

R IS FOR REGRETTABLE CHARACTERS

Jar Jar Binks. Ewoks. Nute Gunray. Count Dooku. General Grievous. Slave Leia. The "It's a trap" guy. All of these characters were the fucking worst, for one reason or another. But you have to love them, because part of loving Star Wars is hating Star Wars.

Honorable Mentions: Ridley, Daisy; Republicans Who Like the Empire; Return of the Jedi Was Almost Directed by David Lynch

S IS FOR 'SHADOWS OF THE EMPIRE'

Shadows of the Empire was a book and comic and N64 game based on story of some stuff that happened between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. It covers Leia's search for Han trapped in carbonite, and has a surrogate smuggler named Dash Rendar who is pretty much Han but isn't Han because Han is out of commission. It's better than any of the prequel movies, even though its most realized form was a children's book sold in grocery store check-out lines.

Honorable Mentions: Star Wars (Duh); Slash Fiction (Also Duh)

T IS FOR THIS

"This" is the first word spoken in The Force Awakens, according to JJ. Fucking spoilers ruin everything.

Honorable Mentions: Tarkin, Grand Moff; Tauntaun; Theories

U IS FOR UNIVERSE, EXPANDED

Only the canon matters now. Move along.

Honorable Mentions: Uncle Owen; Utinni

V IS FOR VAPING

Look pal, you're probably gonna want to see The Force Awakens high. If you're going with your dad, well, you should get your dad high, too.

Honorable Mentions: Chancellor Valorum; Episode V; "Vader" Means "Father" in Dutch

W IS FOR WOOKIEEPEDIA

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy of the Star Wars universe. Like the book inside the book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. No, not like an actual little book inserted into The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the book they're always reading in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that's also called The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Fuck. Anyways, I guess more obviously this is just Star Wars's version of Wikipedia, and if you've ever wanted to find out which kind of space-chlamydia Han Solo caught in the post-Battle-of-Yavin orgy, I suggest you head on over there.

Honorable Mentions: Wedge Antilles; Whills, Journal of the; Why Do They Call Them Episodes, Anyways?

X IS FOR X-RATED

There are many high-quality Star Wars porn parodies. While we unequivocally support pornography, we do not support piracy. Which is to say you should really just buy the DVD instead of looking it up a supercut of all its money shots on PornHub.

Honorable Mentions: X-Wings, eX-Girlfriends of Han Solo Who Got Upset About His Space-Chlamydia

Y IS FOR YADDLE

Yaddle is a girl version of Yoda. She has a braid. She will not be in the new movie.

Honorable Mentions: Yavin, You Always Let the Wookiee Win

Z IS FOR ZABRAK

As previously explored in this guide, aliens in the Star Wars canon share more than passing resemblances with Earth creatures, regardless of the fact that they live in a galaxy far-as-fuck away. Admiral Ackbar is a koi in a white crew neck, Jabba's some kind of slug, and Max Rebo looks like a Winnie the Pooh mescaline hallucination.

In keeping with this trend towards exceedingly on-the-nose alien species, Darth Maul, a Zabrak, has horns and pointed teeth like George Lucas probably sent his design team a clipart image of the devil and said "he's evil so do him like this." Come on, Industrial Light & Magic. The cast of Ahh! Real Monsters looks more original than half the crowd at Mos Eisley.

Honorable Mentions: Zahn, Timothy; Zuckuss

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