No really, why?
People get intense about a lot of things on the internet. It's natural. We all have access to so much content, and we simultaneously have a platform that allows us to express ourselves to some kind of audience.
People with no chill online can actually be quite beautiful. The world can instantly lose its shit over a surprise Beyoncé album. We can all come together and cheer on Nazis getting punched out or root for the success of llamas on the lam. Brother can be pitted against brother in a glorious battle over whether the dress is blue or gold.
Then there are times when people get angry. Some things warrant anger. A lot of things warrant anger. The internet is an ugly place full of ugly things and angry trolls. Donald Trump is president. Women get harassed off of Twitter. Creepy politicians are really invested in where trans people pee. Rachel Dolezal still makes headlines. (Though, this last article is a must read.)
But sometimes people get upset over little things too. Or over literally nothing. This week, Starbucks announced a new drink: the Unicorn Frappuccino Blended Crème. Only available from April 19 to 23, the elusive unicorn frap changes colours and goes from sweet to sour as you drink it. At least that's what Starbucks claims. I tried one. It's not quite that weird, to be honest. It tastes like a tropical fruit milkshake for the most part. The pièce de résistance is the fairy powder sprinkled over the whipped cream. They basically pour Pixy Stix over your drink, which accounts for the sourness. I loved it! It's a mess, but a beautiful mess for anyone who loves excess sugar and novelty food.
(And yes, I realize that unicorns are having a bit of a moment right now, but that's another article.)
The drink has been polarizing, to put it mildly. People on Twitter are losing it over how exciting this thing is:
A fair few blogs and websites are following suite, like Bustle's Lilly Feinn, who called the unicorn frap "the hottest drink of the season" and claimed that it has the ability to "bring back your childlike sense of wonder."
But then plenty of people expressed their discontent too:
This is fair. My sweet tooth aside, I get that the unicorn frap is objectively pretty gross. Things got weird when news and entertainment outlets got in on the hate though.
Buzzfeed and The National Post went the public service route, reminding us that, like every other frappuccino, the unicorn frap is bad for you. Thanks guys, good thing you stepped in with the cold, hard facts.
Celebrity chefs got in on the hate-fest too. If anyone thought their technicolour beverage was haute cuisine, boy did they get an ear full.
But the real winner in the unicorn frap content showdown has to go to The A.V. Club's Kevin Pang.
Channelling that Werner Herzog nihilism spirit, Pang makes it sound like the unicorn frap threatens our humanity, epitomizing the fundamental emptiness of capitalism that strips us of our individuality by making us succumb to a social media popularity contest.
(That said, this line: 'It matters only that you documented your having experienced this drink, thereby proving you're an active participant in the cultural conversation' is a very good burn that renders all future unicorn frappuccino content impotent upon arrival. But I carry on, for the likes.)
So I ask. Can we not just chill, much like the Unicorn Frappuccino Blended Crème itself? It's a multi-coloured sugary drink from Starbucks. It's a stunt to get people to have a public opinion, #unicornfrappuccino. People, and by people, I mean Millennials, know what they're buying, and they don't care what you think. We go through this with pumpkin spice every year.
It's just capitalism-cum-food porn. Like the cronut, it will have its day in the limelight, disappear, and we'll be left with a vague memory of indigestion. This opinion piece, however, is a diamond that will outlast the sun.
Follow Frederick Blichert on Twitter.