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Ice Cube Burns the Raiders, the Patriots Need an Arm, and More from NFL Week 2: Dumb Football with Mike Tunison

The Raiders defense have allowed 69 points through two games (nice, but also not really), the Patriots need a backup backup QB, and we have a take on Lady Gaga performing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Photo by David Butler II-USA TODAY Sports

Since 1990,

Sing along if you know the words.

when the NFL adopted its current playoff format,

C'mon, folks, I know you know this one.

only about 12 percent of teams that started 0-2 have made the playoffs.

For whatever reason, NFL culture has seized on the second game as the first big benchmark of the season. Starting 0-2 means it's time to hit the panic button, which helps to explain why the Buffalo Bills fired offensive coordinator Greg Roman on Friday, a day after losing their second game of the year.

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That 12 percent figure is daunting, if not exactly prohibitive. In 2015, Houston and Seattle started 0-2 and rallied to make the playoffs, though the Texans were helped by being in a division where a 9-7 record will put you on top. Kansas City started 1-1 in 2015, suggesting a middle of pack team, sank to 1-5 by mid-October, and then didn't lose again in the regular season. While the NFL invites over-the-top discourse that swings dramatically depending on the outcomes from week to week, there is something to be said for having patience.

Read More: Patriots' Roller-Coaster Day Turns on Jimmy Garoppolo's Performance, Injury

Among the winless teams this year, many came into 2016 with aspirations of contending, or at least relevance, including Buffalo, Miami, Indianapolis, Washington, New Orleans, and, yes, even Jacksonville. Then there's Cleveland, which appears to have started 0-2 almost by design, if not also to fulfill their fate of being the Browns.

Some of those teams are gonna figure it out—they'll adapt and start winning—just not many (and probably not the Browns). And for those presently riding high, there's always the devastating injury waiting to strike at a moment's notice. The game of attrition came for the Minnesota Vikings, and they're the story this morning for succeeding in spite of it.

He was too beautiful for this game. Photo by David Butler II-USA TODAY Sports

The Patriots Need an Arm, Any Arm

Jimmy Garoppolo has exceeded even the most optimistic expectations of his play through roughly six quarters in 2016. He left Sunday's win over the Dolphins just before halftime with a scary-looking shoulder injury that turned out to be a not-especially-dire sprained AC joint, though he is still likely to miss Thursday night's game against Houston, and possibly could be out until after Tom Brady returns from suspension to claim the throne of handsomeness in Week 5.

Rookie Jacoby Brissett closed out Sunday's game with a pedestrian line of 6/9 for 92 yards. Even if the Pats are comfortable with Brissett making his first career start against J.J. Watt, Vince Wilfork, and the rest of the Texans defense, they'll likely need to bring on a free agent just in case of emergency. Which is fantastic because it means a hilariously awful quarterback gets a job, even if it means sitting on the bench the entire year. I'm rooting for Ryan Lindley. Too long has passed since it was last Lindley Time.

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That's Ice Col

Man, What happened to our Oaklan Rai ers?

— Ice Cube (@icecube)September 19, 2016

The Raiders have a bright future on offense and Jack Del Rio has somehow transformed into one of the more daring coaches in the league. But the defense is a problem: they have allowed a nice-but-not-really 69 points through two games, including 35 at home yesterday to the Falcons—and that's with the customary Matt Ryan red zone interception, so it could have been even worse. If Ice Cube's burn doesn't light a fire under them, nothing will. Also, if it's deranged celebrity fan takes ye seek, check out Kato Kaelin's feed during Packers games.

The Age of Gabbert Has Dawned

Russell Wilson's 17-game streak with a passing TD is snapped. It was the longest active streak, which now belongs to Blaine Gabbert (12).

— ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo)September 18, 2016

As an enthusiast of useless statistics, especially those that cast Blaine Gabbert in a somewhat positive light, I was thrilled to see the San Francisco 49ers quarterback take over as the current holder of the longest active streak of games with a touchdown pass. It's the perfect stat because there's no telling at what point it indicates a player is actually good or has just been allowed to suck for too long. And because the 49ers are likely hesitant to turn to Colin Kaepernick at the moment, Gabbert can just keep padding that number, even if it's a game where he throws one touchdown and four interceptions while the Niners lose by 20.

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Carmen Gordon Don't Mess

The San Diego Chargers just took it to the Jaguars on Sunday. Most any other year that wouldn't be much of a story, but the Jags had positive expectations in 2016 for reasons of offseason lunacy. So the 38-14 thrashing by Philip Rivers and Co. may have detracted from the real news of the day: the fact that San Diego running back Melvin Gordon's mom, Carmen, wore his jersey to a game for the first time in his two-year career.

Before her son's rookie season, Carmen said that she wouldn't wear his jersey until he showed her "a little something." While his two touchdowns in Week 1 might have counted, Carmen said that wasn't what prompted her change of heart. Rather, it was a conversation she had with her son prior to training camp this year. Whatever it was, it worked, and Gordon went off to the tune of 102 yards rushing and a tuddy.

Football's Eternal Valor: Getting Hauled Off the Field and Through a Gastropub

Thanks to the precedent set by Jerryworld in Dallas, new football stadiums are now all expected to have the player entrance wend through a section of VIP fans. In Minnesota, where U.S. Bank Stadium hosted its first regular season game last night, that means players come out through a place where well-heeled drunks can spill beer on them. I suppose that's fine for starting the game, but perhaps an alternate path to the locker room is needed for transporting injured players, as we saw last night in the second half when Adrian Peterson suffered a knee injury and had to be helped off the field. It might be a little jarring to watch a player escorted through while you're enjoying the spoils of stadium luxury.

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Vernon Davis Judges Your Pregame Engagement

Vernon Davis watching you get engaged like — Joe Fann (@Joe_Fann)September 18, 2016

If you want to propose to your sweetie just prior to kickoff of a game between the Washington Football Team and their archrivals in both football and American iconography, that's perfectly alright. I am definitely fine with that. Even if you happen to be wearing:

  • A camo hat with the team logo
  • A patriotic alternate jersey of a deceased player
  • Jorts
  • Socks with sandals
  • A VIP badge on the arm holding the ring

All of that is OK. Your personal decisions are yours and mine are mine, no more or less valid. I'm just saying Vernon Davis is going to judge you. Not me, though. I'm very understanding and open-minded.

The Definitive, No-Holding-Back Take About Lady Gaga Performing the Super Bowl LI Halftime Show

It's fine.

Pete Carroll Tantrum Collateral Damage

The Seahawks have established a dangerous model on offense for 2016: do nothing nearly all game, then hope for a touchdown drive at the end to pull out a win. It worked in Week 1, but not so much this week. Pete Carroll would have you believe that the offensive pass interference penalty levied against his team had something to do with it, and he was literally hopping mad and running into his own players making that point. It was a constructive outburst, at least. If you're going to be on the verge of getting red and nude over a call, it's best to get in some cardio as well.

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Fan of the Week

— Gourmet Spud (@gourmetspud)September 19, 2016

Never let it be said you didn't know where the Goodwins were on Sunday night. They were there, baby! The acrostic sign is one of the most overused fan tropes out there, so it's delightful to see some minor absurdity. The less you dwell on some of the names in the Goodwin household, though, the better. A Kaleb and a Colby? Jesus.

Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline in Glory

1. Von Miller. A forced fumble and three sacks—two of them coming in the final minutes—kept the defending champs undefeated through two games. Riding high with a new contract, Miller seems incapable of taking L's these days, and being able to pull off a goofy cover of Justin Bieber only further proves that.

2. Aaron Donald. If it's a 9-3 final, you hope there was some good defense being played. The Los Angeles Rams' front four certainly delivered, applying consistent pressure to Russell Wilson, who was already dealing with a high ankle sprain. Donald had three quarterback hits, three hurries, and eliminated any hope for an inside running game for Seattle. A big bounce-back after being ejected in the Week 1 debacle in San Francisco.

3. Stefon Diggs. A big reason why Sam Bradford's debut with the Vikings went as well as it did. The second-year receiver had catches on all nine of his targets for 182 yards and a score. He also drew a pass interference penalty from Packers corner Damarious Randall to pick up a critical first down. Through two games, the Maryland product already looks to be one of the breakout stars of the 2016 season.

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4. LeGarrette Blount. After Jimmy Garoppolo left the game in the second quarter, the Patriots had to lean on the big back to preserve the early lead. Blount came through with 123 yards and a score, which he celebrated by posing with everyone's favorite sideline firing squad.

Touchdown celebration of the year. — Carrington Harrison (@cdotharrison)September 18, 2016

5. Twitter. It can't fix its harassment issues nor turn a profit, but we found something Twitter can do: stream an NFL game. Even among Twitter's notoriously acerbic user base, it was hard to find criticism about the quality of Thursday's stream. Commentary about how football is a grandiose and regressive institution rife with misogyny and exploitation? Well, that's considerably easier to locate.

Five Losers Bathing in the Hard Water of Infinite Shame

1. Kirk Cousins. After a disturbing late-season surge of competence last year signalled that perhaps good things were in store for the Washington organization, dysfunction has been restored to default levels at Dan Snyder's Footballing Concern. Cousins' accuracy and decision-making have been problems through two games, and teammates are questioning his leadership to the media. At least it's a momentary distraction for those demanding to know why Josh Norman isn't locked in man coverage with the other team's top wideout.

2. John Hussey. After getting the Browns into the red zone in the final minute with a 20-yard reception, Terrelle Pryor attempted to flick the ball to an official and it slipped out of his hand, falling on a Ravens DB instead. That drew a taunting penalty from the head linesman on Hussey's crew, albeit one offset by defensive holding. For what it's worth, former NFL head of officiating Mike Pereira disagreed with how the infraction was flagged. Either way, it sent Cleveland back to the Baltimore 30. On the next play, Josh McCown was intercepted trying to force the ball into the end zone with seconds left. This being the Browns, though, even with a fairer shake from the officials, it's still likely the 25-20 result would have held.

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When your brother is also your boss. Photo by Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

3. Rob Ryan. The Bills gave up nearly 500 yards of offense to the Jets and made Ryan Fitzpatrick look like Dan Marino, and yet it was Buffalo's offensive coordinator who got the ax the following day. People are quick to point to the nepotism angle for obvious reasons, but I like to believe the Bills brass just likes the Wolfman Rob jokes as much as the rest of us.

4. Jameis Winston. As encouraging as Week 1 was for his game, Week 2 should give pause. It was an all-around disaster of a game for the Bucs, down to their much-ranted-about rookie kicker missing his only field goal attempt of the day.

5. Aaron Rodgers. It wasn't bad bad, though definitely a bad outing by Rodgers' standards. And getting outplayed by Sam Bradford on the prime-time stage is not a disgrace easily lived down.

As for Tonight…

Ah, 2011. It was a heady time for America. MGMT was taking the indie-pop world by storm. Donald Trump was still consolidating power through Celebrity Apprentice. And a trio of young friends changed how everyone thought about chucking paper in the trash.

One of those young revolutionaries was Carson Wentz, presently the Philadelphia Eagles' greatest quarterback of all time as determined solely by the results of Week 1 of this season. Some nitpickers might note that Wentz's impressive NFL debut came against the lowly Browns, while a slightly less lowly team like the Bears is more apt to teach him a lesson. Guess we'll just have to see.

Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins told local radio last week that several members of the team are planning to make a statement during the anthem before tonight's game and only declined to do so during Week 1 so as not to take away from the remembrance of 9/11. Jenkins said he wasn't yet sure how many players would take part or what exactly they would do, which is good. You don't want to tip your hand. Keep systemic racism on its toes and disguise your tactics pre-snap. Systemic racism has been around for thousands of years. It's seen some stuff.

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