Auston Matthews Is Why Teams Tank

Brigadier-General Brendan Shanahan, soot on his face and a cigar in his mouth, surveys the Ontario battlefield from atop his mighty blue and white tank.

He laughs as jerseys with distinct tank track marks are tossed into a fire. Phil Kessel. Dion Phaneuf. Jonathan Bernier. The Brooks Laich one is particularly sad. Shanahan's lieutenant, Kyle Dubas, signals to his commanding officer to look over yonder at a skirmish that has broken out.

"No worries, my young friend," Shanahan spits out with the stogie lodged between his front teeth. "This is all part of the plan. This is merely the first battle."

In the distance, Auston Matthews is raining death upon the city of Ottawa. He disembowels Erik Karlsson. He takes a blowtorch to a helpless Guy Boucher, who goes with a much higher-pitched squeal than anyone expected. He obliterates Craig Anderson and, in a show of maniacal bloodlust, maims the goaltender three more times despite him clearly being dead already.

An expressionless Matthews, his eyes cold and dead, searches for another victim.

"Kyle," Shanahan says as he extinguishes the cigar on his hand with nary a wince, "this is what analytics don't teach you. You can't learn this from one of your funny little math books with all the equations. Tanking is good. Heck, it's great. You break down and you break down and you break down, and then you build up with a foundation like Auston Matthews, a killing machine that-"

"Uh, sir…"

"Don't interrupt. A killing machine that can single-handedly change the fortunes of-"

"Sir, but…"

"Shut up when I'm talking, nerd. Change the fortunes of a moribund franchise and it all takes is one draft to-"

"Sir!"

"What is it?"

Dubas points behind the tank. Shanahan turns and sees Kyle Turris inside a blue and white fort, lowering the Maple Leafs flag and raising the Senators flag to signal victory for his side.

"Ah, shit," Shanahan grunts.

Let there be no mistake—Matthews' historic four-goal performance is exactly why smart franchises tank. Take a look at any Stanley Cup winner this decade and count all the game-breaking talent those teams possess, then count how many were drafted by that team, and the number is probably exactly the same. Shanahan knows that's how you acquire someone of Matthews' generational ability, and he sacrificed a season's worth of soldiers to make it happen.

But boy, do the Leafs still have some work to do.

None of that matters, though. Yes, the world got to see that while the Leafs are still very much the Leafs, they are the Leafs with their very own Winter Soldier, which should be a terrifying prospect for the rest of the league. For now, instead of being surrounded by fellow Avengers with super powers, Matthews has a bunch of those SHIELD extras that are about as useful in a fight as Roman Polak on a 2-on-1.

Matthews scored four goals, all in somewhat different ways.

He went to the net and pounced on a rebound for his first NHL goal; he decimated Karlsson and just about everyone within 10 kilometers of Canadian Tire Centre on his unassisted second goal; he found a quiet area in the high slot (vacated by a possibly disoriented Dion Phaneuf) and ripped a wrist shot home for his third goal and his fourth goal was a calm tap-in off a 2-on-1 to give the Leafs a 4-3 lead after two periods.

In consummate Leafs fashion, it wasn't enough to win the game, because while Matthews was using mixed martial arts and laser beams from his mouth to take down enemy after enemy, his comrades were picking their nose and looking down the barrel of their own guns while the Senators ran past them for five goals of their own.

Leafs fans probably don't want to hear this, but there's nothing wrong with another 69-point season. No matter how dominant your first overall pick may be, change does not happen overnight. The season opener is a microcosm of what life is like the year after a perfectly executed tank; just look to what the Pittsburgh Penguins did after drafting Sidney Crosby, which was post 58 points one season after they posted 58 points.

Matthews' debut is not just why you should tank but, just like Crosby's first season as a whole, it could represent the start of a build that results in two Stanley Cups over the next decade.

Or maybe the Leafs screw it up. Who knows?

Leafs fans, revel in this moment. Don't think about the bigger picture. It will drive you nuts. You've been through enough lately. Savor every Matthews shift. Let your mind wander to a scene with him raising the Cup in Air Canada Centre and passing it to 47-year-old Joe Thornton, who finally got that championship in his 29th NHL season. You've earned this.

What? Thornton can't be a gritty fourth-line center on your 2027 championship team? Why can't we have a shared dream, Toronto?