Partying, like really partying—not just standing around with a cocktail in your hand—is hard work. The Red Bull Guest House in Miami knows all about this; their lineup during Miami Music Week was more stacked than a box of Kraft Singles. From the US debut of Seth Troxler's "Big Tittie Surprise" party with Jackmaster and DJ Tennis, to a HARD showcase with Duke Dumont and Boys Noize b2b Destructo, the Miami hotel was constantly loaded with people thirsting for a good time. Hell, even Khloe Kardashian showed up with French Montana to Guy Gerber's Rumors pool party Thursday afternoon.
The Guest House's key to keeping the crowd permanently lit: party maestros who provide a range of unusual services, some of which you didn't even know existed. Roaming the country like some bizarro rave circus, these professionals give big blowout events that extra pizzazz that basic parties lack. Here, we speak to these highly unusual individuals about what they do for a living.
Colonel H. M. Stinkmeaner, Professional Vibe Master
THUMP: So you're kind of a professional vibe master?
Colonel H. M. Stinkmeaner: When it comes down to get your boogie down, you come see the Colonel!
What exactly do you do?
Remind people that no matter what, we are all human, and there's nothing wrong with looking foolish and shaking your ass.
Is that a joint in your mouth?
Why, you want some?
How did you get into this business?
The first time I saw a big ass jiggle, it did something to me.
What's so great about a big ass jiggling?
A big ass jiggling has no judgement on tomorrow or yesterday, it is so happy. It is so happy that it don't mind if you smack it. A big ass jiggling is the essence of hymns, of joy, and of happiness.
Joe, Sneaker Cleaner With Jason Markk
So professional sneaker cleaning is a thing now?
Natalie Minerva AKA Nail Swag, Celebrity Nail Artist
You just gave me the most amazing manicure of my life. Who are some of your clients from the music world?
Natalie Minerva: NERVO, Azealia Banks, Brooke Candy, POSSO, and a California-based DJ named Whitney Fierce. I also did Paris Hilton's nails for her "Come Alive" video, where she was standing next to a unicorn, running her nails through its mane. Pretty amazing. DJs are always getting photographed with their hands on the mixers, so it makes sense for them to have eye-catching nails.
Seems like nail art has really been taking off.
It's been taking off like crazy. When I first started two and a half years ago, there were 15,000 hashtags for "nail art" on Instagram. Now, there are 16 million.
What's causing the spike in popularity?
Nail art has really stepped up its game—now you can get gels, which last for a month or longer, instead of nail polish, which chips and comes off in three days. Tech and art go hand-in-hand. When new tech comes out, artists find new ways to do cool things with it.
Does social media play a big part?
Absolutely, the rise of nail art in America mostly comes from Instagram and Tumblr. People were seeing these crazy designs coming in from Tokyo. That's how it was for me! Literally, I called my dad at Coachella and told him I was going to quit college and go to nail school. He was like, "You're so weird, but that's cool."
The Bumbys, Anonymous Appearance Appraisers
I found The Bumbys sitting in the lobby of the Guest House in front of two typewriters and a dozen nervous-looking people. It was 3AM, and Seth Troxler's "Big Tittie Surprise" party was raging a few feet away. The anonymous performance artists don't speak to press (or anyone), but their premise is genius: stand in front of them for five minutes, and they will type out a fair and honest appraisal of your appearance that's usually stunningly accurate. A girl I spoke to in line was practically crying over her report. When I asked if I could read it, she said, "Nope, too personal."
You guys just gonna stand here all day?
Who would you rather bang, Skrillex or Diplo?
Was outsider house an inside job?
Do people try to touch you inappropriately?
[Barely perceptible nod]
What do you do?
[Slaps the air]
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