The Duke and Duchess of Sussex, aka Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, are moving to Canada (maybe)!
Like many millennials in their late 30s, the rebellious royal couple announced they’re finally ditching grandma’s house and getting jobs.
“We intend to step back as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family and work to become financially independent, while continuing to fully support Her Majesty The Queen,” the couple said in a joint statement.
"We now plan to balance our time between the United Kingdom and North America, continuing to honour our duty to The Queen, the Commonwealth, and our patronages.”
While the pair, who got hitched in 2018, didn’t specify that they’d be moving to Canada, there’s reason to believe they’ll be spending at least some of their time in this freezing hellscape. They just spent their Christmas holiday in B.C., Markle lived in Toronto for years while filming Suits, and they visited Canada House in London on Tuesday. Plus their statement references the Commonwealth, which does not include the U.S. And Markle’s best friend Jessica Mulroney lives in Toronto. Are we to believe this is all just a coincidence?
"This geographic balance will enable us to raise our son with an appreciation for the royal tradition into which he was born, while also providing our family with the space to focus on the next chapter, including the launch of our new charitable entity,” said the couple, who has been plagued by British tabloids.
But it seems the Queen isn’t keen on the move.
A Buckingham Palace spokeswoman said "discussions with the Duke and Duchess of Sussex are at an early stage. We understand their desire to take a different approach, but these are complicated issues that will take time to work through."
We all saw what happened to Princess Margaret in The Crown, so this probably isn’t a done deal.
Nonetheless, here’s our advice on where they should live in Canada:
The real London. There’s no Buckingham Palace, but there is a Thames River, and their grandma would still appear on all the money they’ll be independently earning. The downtown has been hollowed out by decades of not-great civic policy, so the couple might need to score retail jobs at the mall Masonville Place.
Look, the capital of Alberta is a lot nicer than most people would have you think. It’s got one of the longest stretches of river valley in any metropolitan area, Connor McDavid, a big ol’ mall, and pretty reasonable rental prices. Now if none of those are doing it for you, well, I have just five words for you: the first-ever Boston Pizza.
Toronto, but in a guest house located at Medieval Times
This feels like the obvious choice, m’lord. Medieval Times is hiring and who has more experience at being fake-important than these two. They’ll have a daily crowd full of admirers and get a decent paycheck on a bi-weekly basis, which they’ll need now that they’re no longer sucking on the public teat.
Harry will finally be able to live out his dream of getting smashed on a Sunday afternoon and fighting someone named Gord in the parking lot of a Keg Steakhouse.
If the Duke and Duchess want to get a double dose of their subjects they would be hard pressed to find a higher concentration of Australians in Canada than in Whistler. They can brag about having a slightly superior accent and they might even be able to find a $4-million cottage like the one they live in now.
If the royals opt out of Edmonton, which would be a mistake, Alberta’s epicenter is the next best thing—especially if you want to live Real Canadian Culture. Longriders Saloon is a primo date night spot where basically all of Alberta Tinder meets to get drunk and two-step. The Royals are guaranteed to have a litty time.
A Year Abroad
Attending a foam party in Southeast Asia is kind of like getting a job.
If you want a place where your in-laws aren’t going to visit you then you could do worse than the charming, girthy, and welcoming city of Dildo, Newfoundland. Do you think Her Majesty is going to risk the headline “The Queen Comes to Dildo” just so she can invade your love nest? I think not!
If they don’t want to learn a new name for a new hometown (they currently live in Windsor, England) then why not try out Windsor, Ontario? Sure, it's been called the "earth's rectum," but they’ll be just a hop, skip, and a jump away from beautiful Detroit. Maybe they can help us figure out that pesky Windsor Hum.
They’re probably the least likely to get bothered among Francophones.
Say it loud five times.
For some reason it feels like Harry is a dude who could get really into the Saskatchewan Roughriders.
If Meghan and Harry are truly looking to be financially independent—like they say they are—then we heard it’s really easy to get a job sweeping the streets of Clifton Hill, the Vegas Strip for pre-teens. Just talk to Gary. His office is between the Burger King Frankenstein and that maze kids shit in.
An Artist co-op in Parkdale
These two have just what it takes to be artists in Toronto's third coolest neighbourhood: rich parents.