Celebrate love in whatever form you find it with a thoughtful gift you and your partner can enjoy—like a buttplug shaped like a fox tail or strap-on that shoots splooge.
It's February. Which means it's almost time for Valentine's Day, that anxiety-inducing holiday that often ends with us broke from buying gifts for unrequited loves and crying while we creep on our ex's Instagram. At this point, everyone has accepted that Valentine's Day isn't about real love, it's about making us feel shitty and the holiday-industrial complex squeezing us for all of our hard-earned cash. Yet that reality hasn't deterred young couples from indulging in the ubiquitous dinner, movie, and dry handjob routine, or stopped singles looking for love from right-swiping on Tinder until they get carpal tunnel.
If we are going to get conned year after year into celebrating Cupid's dreadful holiday, we should at least make the most of it by forgoing the off-brand drug store chocolates and the teddy bears made in sweatshops. This year, give your Valentine one of the gifts from my thoughtful guide that will ensure that even if you don't fall in love, you'll probably bust a nut.
For Your Grindr Date
Enema Bulb Syringe (buy at Amazon.com $14.34)
What could possibly be more considerate than rinsing your colon for a potential romantic encounter? This eco-friendly Enema Bulb Syringe will make cleaning out the ol' pipes quick and easy so you can get to the fun part of sticking foreign objects in your back door.
For Your Tinder Date
Plan B (buy at Walgreens for $49.99)
First impressions are everything on a Tinder date. Most people will show up with their pockets bursting with prophylactics. Dare to be different by packing the Plan B. Having a couple morning-after-pills on deck shows that you like it raw like ODB, but you're not "for the children."
For Your Long-Term Boyfriend
Clone-a-Willy (buy at cloneawilly.co.uk for $44.95)
Although diamonds might be forever, good dick isn't. As the years go by, your bae's boner, which stands up as straight as a flag pole on the Fourth of July, is gonna be as limp as a wet noodle one day. Capture the glory of his penis while it's still in its prime with this Clone-a-Willy Kit. That way you'll always be able to have access to the cock you fell in love with. And he'll have a totem of his groin's glory days. It's the kind of gift that keeps on giving.
For the Polyamorous Couple
Moregasm Kit (buy at babeland.com $250.00)
You might be asking yourself, "How can I possibly pleasure all of the peens and vageens in my life this Valentine's Day?" Well the answer is: the Moregasm Kit. If you can't keep the bodily fluids flowing with this bad boy, maybe you need to cut a few members from your roster.
For the Guy You Met on Craigslist
The Vajankle (buy at sinthetics.com $175.00)
Hooking up with people on Craiglist can be a fast track to ending up on the back of milk carton. But then again, who doesn't love a little kink? If you show up to your creepy date's house with this fuckable severed foot, maybe he'll let you keep yours.
For the Missionary Couple
Noise Perfume (buy at ephemera.pl $91.66)
I get it, not everybody's into anal beads and nipple clamps. There are other dimensions to sexuality. Olfactory is one of the most fun, because it can conjure up so many intense feelings. These scents by Ephemera are designed to smell like sounds—bass, drone, and noise—and can take you back to the first time you two met at that sweaty summer loft party in Bushwick, where there were bands playing, trippy art installations happening, and you both were praying you had on clean underwear.
For Your Girlfriend Who's More Interested in Erotic Novels
Fetish Fantasy Ultimate Bondage Kit (buy at Amazon.com $29.29)
There is a strong chance that your significant other wants to drag you to the movie theater on Valentine's Day to see Hollywood's hackneyed take on BDSM. Instead of allowing their heads to fill up with unrealistic expectations, show them what bondage is all about in the comfort of your own home with some Chinese takeout, a funny safe word like "Gary Coleman," and this nifty starter kit.
For the Long-Distance Couple
Twist Cyper Pleasure Toy (buy at lovepalz.com $79.00)
Celebrating Valentine's Day long-distance used to mean sharing late night sexts and whacking off over the phone together, hoping to have simultaneous petit morts. But thanks to the Twist Cyper PleasureToy, you can get your loved one off from anywhere on the planet with these interactive teledildonics.
For the Lesbian Couple
The Semenette (buy at thesemenette.com $139.95)
Sure, the Seamenette comes off like a glorified turkey baster. But don't diss it until you fuck it. If you're trying to knock up your partner, strapping one of these squirting rubber dicks adds a pretty exciting level of intimacy to a process that is usually kind of clinical. At the end of the day, what's the fun in baby-making if you can shoot some splooge?
For the Girl Who Hates Valentine's Day
Bijoux 21 Diamond Vibrator (buy at adamandeve.com $60.00)
You might be a woman who prefers staying at home to enjoy her singledom with a marathon of rom-coms and a half-pint of ice cream, but that doesn't mean you can't show yourself a little love. Gift yourself this glamorous three-speed diamond shaped vibrator to enjoy between Hugh Grant scenes.
For your Galentines
Best Bitches Bracelet (buy at shopjeen.com $13.00)
Sometimes you have to remind your girls that you couldn't navigate this harsh patriarchal world without them. Show them you love them by crowning them as your best bitches with these throwback bracelets.
For the Guy Who Can't Afford a Date
Tenga Egg (buy at babeland.com $8.50)
Just because you are broke as shit and can't afford to take some ungrateful broad out to a fancy dinner and a movie, it doesn't mean you shouldn't treat yourself. Instead of using the money you find in your couch on a Hot-and-Ready, splurge on a Tenga Egg and get to stroking.
For the Long-Term Girlfriend
Crave Vesper (buy at babeland.com $149.00)
Your lady has probably hinted at a couple pieces of pricey jewelry she would be interested in receiving on Valentine's Day, but when was the last time a diamond ring gave her an orgasm? Get her this shiny 24K gold Crave Vesper necklace that doubles as a vibrator.
For the Cosplay Couple
Fox Anal Butt Plug (buy at etsy.com $34.99)
What self-respecting man doesn't fantasize about doing it doggy-style with a furry little fox? Make your boo's dreams come true by shoving this fox tail up your foxhole. Nothing says love like not being able to sit down.
Follow Erica Euse on Twitter.