Look, Wolverines are scary.An average wolverine may only weigh 35 lbs and yes, they're about the size of a medium sized dog but their lack of size is counterbalanced by the fact that inside each wolverine exists the fiery rage of a thousand suns.That's why when one of Satan's lap dogs edged near William McDonald middle school in Yellowknife they put that school on lockdown. That's the proper response.
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A Dene trapper named Fred Sangris told the CBC that wolverines are all over that area of the north because it's their natural habitat."We are living in the habitat area, the wolverines' home range," he said. "Wolverines have always been around this area, especially around this time of year; they're scavenging."The good thing about all of this is that wolverines rarely attack humans but that's most likely because we're simply a waste of their precious time. They have bigger things to deal with like biting a bear on the face or chasing it up a goddamn tree.In a zoo, a wolverine once killed a polar bear by latching onto its throat and holding on until its much larger foe died. Let me reiterate that for you, an animal the size of a dog killed one of Canada's finest killing machines presumably out of pure spite. Let that sink in, now say it with me:You. Don't. Mess. With. Wolverines.Their scientific name is Gulo-Gulo which, when translated from Latin is glutton-glutton, because they will eat anything. They've reportedly taken down moose and just straight-up eat porcupines, quills and all.They will fight till they die, they have claws that can disembowel you, they live in some of the most inhospitable locations on the planet, their jaws have the power to crack jaws, they're insanely strong, they have specialized teeth to rip flesh of a frozen carcass, and their feet are specialized for the snow so you're not going to outrun them.Respect the skunk bear, fear the skunk bear, love the skunk bear.Follow Mack Lamoureux on Twitter