Is there perhaps no clearer window into one's soul than what they masturbate to?
After all, isn’t masturbation one of the great equalizers? We all get horny and we all, ahem, take care of it ourselves from time to time. More often than not, because we live in the modern age, we get down in the fading blue glow of a computer screen—no longer are we weak kneeing it to magazines like savages.
While there are a million sites out there peddling images and videos for us to get off to, few remain as popular as Canada's own Pornhub. And thankfully, just in time for the holidays, Pornhub is squealing on ya’ll about all your jack off habits.
Let’s unpack this, shall we?
In Canada, we have a relatively tame top two search terms, those being MILF (which reigns supreme at the top) and lesbian—they swapped top spots last year. From here it gets significantly more fetishy and problematic. The third term was Chinese, followed by anime (which jumped 91 percent in the last year), anal, JOI, big ass, gangbang, Indian, Overwatch (you fucking nerds), Korean, and squirt. If you, like me, are wondering what Joi is, well, it stands for “jerk off instructions”—[insert the “more you know” gif here].
The top three pornstars, although a little jumbled, held true to the worldwide standard being Riley Reid, Mia Khalifa, and Stormy Daniels (worldwide it’s flipped). Pornhub was even nice enough to give us a trending search section, telling us that anime, ASMR, bbc, big ass, Chinese, JOI, and Korean are leading the way in the Great White North. The release states that “when compared to the rest of the world, Canadians are 60% more likely to view the ‘Asian’ category, 41% more into ‘Threesome’ and 10% more into ‘Popular With Women’.”
The average time spent on the site bumped up 14 seconds to 10 minutes and 13 seconds—nice work on the stamina, everyone! Canadian last a little longer than worldwide customers, coming in at an average time on site of 10 minutes and 26 seconds.
While the company was founded in Montreal, Canada isn’t its biggest traffic driver. Our home and native land only came fifth in terms of traffic, being beaten by the United States, the United Kingdom, India, and Japan, in that order. Worldwide the website was visited 3.3 billion times in 2018—goddamn we as a species love to masturbate—which equals out to 962 searches per second. Over 115 million hours of video was uploaded in the last year, this is a stat that the kind PR people at Pornhub inexplicably explained by saying, “if you started watching 2018's videos after the Wright brother's first flight, you would still be watching today!"
“At the time of this writing, Pornhub’s daily visits now exceed 100 million,” reads the exuberant press release. “To put that into perspective, that’s as if the combined populations of Canada, Poland and Australia all visited Pornhub every day!”
Now, if you will, just picture the populations of those countries just furiously masturbating—100 million of them just staring blankly at the screen as they smash their genitals.
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