Halloween PSA: Vampires Suck!

Of all the monsters to do the Mash, the vampire is by far the worst. This was already painfully obvious by the time Sesame Street rolled around and the Deathless Ones were reduced to a boredom so severe that counting mundane items was the order of the day, every day, but let me say it again: they suck!

It isn't always easy to recognize a vampire. Sometimes, they wear devilish capes (a clear tell), but sometimes they look pretty much like you and me. That's pretty scary, but what's worse is that they literally suck: they suck your blood, the fun out of every room, and occasionally the life-force of beloved, profitable publications such as Deadspin.

This last category of vampire is the one that sucks the most, and which is really the scariest monster out there this Halloween. They rise, clad in puffy vests, and hiss: I vant to boost your ad impressions. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

It's not just Deadspin, though, or even media, although there are many examples there. Companies like Sears and Toys R Us also fell victim to the bloodsuckers. These vampires simply cannot help destroying healthy organisms—it is literally how they sustain themselves.

These vampires are inexplicably rich, live in castles (of a sort), and while they may appear brainless, they are distinct from zombies. In terms of cinematic comparison, this kind of vampire has the most in common with Nicolas Cage's unhinged literary agent in Vampire's Kiss: spiralling while deludedly believing themselves to be something more than what they are, and making their employees' lives a living hell.

Simply, they suck, but remember: there are more of us than there are of them. The vampires, I mean.