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Five Ideas for the Next Horror Movie About Evil Toys After 'Magic 8 Ball'

We need an evil Bop-It movie.

by River Donaghey
Jun 4 2019, 3:53pm

Bop-It photo courtesy of Wikipedia. The Shining still via IMDb.

Blumhouse Pictures has already turned the Ouija board into a bizarrely popular franchise, and now they're going to do it again—with the Magic 8 Ball, apparently. On Monday, Blumhouse and Mattel announced a new joint venture to develop a horror film starring the fortune-telling toy called, you guessed it, Magic 8 Ball, Deadline reports.

"Since the 1950s, Magic 8 Ball has inspired imagination, suspense and intrigue across generations. This iconic toy has a built-in connection with fans and untapped potential for storytelling," Robbie Brenner, Head of Mattel Films, said in a statement. "There are no partners better suited to tell the Magic 8 Ball story in collaboration with Mattel Films than [Truth or Dare director] Jeff Wadlow and Blumhouse Productions, whose unique approach to the thriller genre has captivated audiences worldwide and has gained widespread accolades."

And while this isn't an entirely new and novel idea—there are about a zillion movies based on existing toy IP, some good but most brain-bleedingly awful—the idea of Blumhouse taking old toys and turning them into horror movies seems to be working so far. Could this Magic 8 Ball movie just be the beginning of a whole slew of movies where the studio takes nostalgic junk from our toy chests and spins it into something scary? All signs point to yes!

So in honor of the upcoming haunted Magic 8 Ball film or whatever, we here at VICE have taken it upon ourselves to compile five ideas for future evil toy movies we'd love to see. You're welcome in advance, Blumhouse—just be sure to kick us some points on the back ends once the inevitable Koosh Ball film hits theaters and destroys all box office predictions.

Are you ready? Let's get started!

Bop-It

This one is a no-brainer because Bop-It is a fundamentally evil toy. Just think about it: Bop-It demands you do its bidding. It orders you to bop, to twist, to pull, and it screams in uncontrollable anger when you miss a move.

So what happens when a well-meaning babysitter puts the wrong batteries inside a family's Bop-It and short-circuits the toy? It jolts to life in a violent rage and orders the family to follow its orders and stay on the beat—or else you'll be the one being twisted and pulled. If you thought that scene in Suspiria where that woman dances herself to pieces was bad, just wait until you see what a Bop-It can do.

Creepy Crawlers

This one's a slam dunk, too. Mattel's weird, Easy-Bake Oven for boys was basically a miniature factory for gross bug toys. The toy was scary enough on its own, since the so-called "Plastigoop" probably off-gassed some unknown noxious fumes and shaved years off a generation of young lives.

But this isn't going to be some movie about a mother getting to the bottom of her son's lung problems, Eric Brockovich-style. This one is Indian in the Cupboard with a twist—and the twist is that a veritable plague of insects that come to life instead of remaining friendly figurines.

Power Glove

The 1989 Nintendo Power Glove has it all: early 90s nostalgia, retro sci-fi visuals, and an audience still clamoring for the rare and collectable toy. This movie is less straight horror and more childhood superhero wish fulfillment, though. Set Stranger Things amid the first Bush administration, trade the supernatural stuff for Tron-style sci-fi, and then give Finn Wolfhard a glove that grants him alien powers or something. Sold!

Koosh Ball

The logline is something like: "When a horde of high-tech Koosh Balls escape from the Hasbro prototype factory in western Vermont, a sleepy New England town quickly learns that the rubber balls are actually more trouble—and more deadly—than anyone could've ever thought."

It's The Birds but with colorful rubber pom-poms dive-bombing you from the skies. It's that famous old Star Trek episode "The Trouble with Tribbles," updated for a new generation. It's a Millennial The Blob.

OK, we can imagine what you're probably thinking. A Koosh Ball is so innocuous, you say. How can a Koosh Ball cause us pain? How can it bring us anything besides delight and joy? Yeah, well, sure. But have you ever felt the unique pain of a flying Koosh Ball on your bare skin when your friend Todd whips one at you during a sleepover when you aren't looking? It stings, man. It really, really stings.

Furby

Furby may have been a cute (?) bird (??) toy in the late 1990s, but these days, the Furby is strictly the stuff of nightmares. The toy has experienced a renaissance lately as people have come to realize the abject body horror of the thing. That beak? Those large, unblinking eyes? The way it sometimes coos in Furbish at 3 a.m. long after you swore you'd turned it off?? Just look at the Furby bongs, the Furby organs, and the cursed long Furby—audiences are dying for evil Furby content, and Blumhouse is the place to give it to them.

Think Chucky, but instead of a knife, he tore your fragile flesh from its bone with a Furby beak. How do you say "please, oh God, no, the horror" in Furbish? Who cares! The only phrase you'll need to say once the Evil Furby movie drops next October is "movie toy tie-ins just in time for the holiday season."

This article originally appeared on VICE US.