Here Are Your Weekend Club Horoscopes (Part One)

Feeling uncertain about what will be going down when you hit the clubs this weekend? Wonder no more, as Club Angels looks to the stars and give you VIP astrological info. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Your hardworking attitude, goal oriented and money hungry ways won't go astray at at the club this weekend. Whether your'e sweating it out on the dancefloor to this month's RA Top 50, looking to be nostalgic about white heart highs or making a killing selling your aunt's dexies, you're going to have a great time. Just try and let loose, you uptight goat. Buy a mate a drink with that prescription pill money and tell your crush you need to tell them a secret in the corner of the club, because that's a classic makeout scoring move and I know you have none. The stars will align for you when vodka is involved but you must beware of tequila and trust no beers.

You're so dreamy. Really, you literally need to stop daydreaming while you're at the front of the line because the door girl will be hissing "$10 please" at you and if you don't snap out of it, the girl behind you who is busting to pee will have her night ruined before it's started. You're going to the club "for the music" and it's a beautiful sentiment, because you'll be part of that gaggle of munters who will be dancing until the very last song. 'Minimal ciggie breaks' is your middle name and while your friends are outside sipping that sweet smoke, you'll come across a special treasure inside. A baggy? A banger? A bunch of free drink cards? Only time will tell.

Sweet loving crab, you're nurturing, comforting and loved by all. You find the world a harrowing place sometimes and you'll find solace in a place with amazing drink specials this weekend. It is likely someone sad and likely sobbing will look to find solace in your presence and I would advise you to do so, because a heartless Capricorn will be useless here. In that moment you need to do one of three things: tell them to dump him, tell them they won't regret it and then tell them you can definitely convince the dj to play "Inspector Norse" for that 'one size fits all' pick me up. Then take a break from tending to broken hearts and dance to Todd Terje like no one is judging you (they probably will).

The two-sided Gemini is the life of the party, and party you should. This month you'll find your thirst for the club cannot be quenched. There will come a time, after your third club and dark trek to Chapel Street where your indecisive streak will rear it's ugly head. To kick on or not to kick on? Have a cigarette and asses the situation. Do you have work tomorrow? Most definitely because everyone who goes to Revolver has somehow managed to hold down a job. Do you have sunglasses? Yes. Is life too short and is there really no time like the present and is this what YOLO is all about? Probably, just go somewhere with a nanganator.

Being alone is not something you enjoy doing, so I know you're going out this weekend. The question is: where? You're super hot and super likeable so chances are everyone has asked you to come to "this awesome house party I heard about." Beware the "awesome house party" because I see awful music taste in the stars. Of course you never say no, so you'll end up at this party anyway despite this incredibly valuable advice and have a bad time. It can be saved. You're a DJ (isn't everyone) and you never go anywhere without your USBs, so when the time comes for a saviour to rise you'll be there. Noble, generous and armed with the new Justin Bieber album, the crap house party is your oyster.

All or nothing baby, that's your motto but maybe when you're pre drinking this weekend, it'd be best to put away the beer bong. You don't want to vomit in your hand in the Uber at 10pm, so have a couple of UDLs instead and I can guarantee smooth sailing. Avoid Leos, it's likely you'll end up in an argument about IDM vs EDM which could get messy. Even though you love to argue, because you always win, take the weekend off and just be silly with your friends. It's likely wherever you end up approximately 33 people will develop a crush on you and you'll take this in your stride copping a few flirty party kisses.

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Aquarians through Virgos, stay tuned for Part Two in the coming days.

Kish Lal is one half of Club Angels. Follow her on Twitter for more reliable horoscopes than Susan Miller.

Illustrations by Plastic Loaves.