Pizza

Forget This Pineapple Controversy, Corn on Pizza Is the Real Enemy

Hear me out.

by Sarah Hagi
Feb 24 2017, 6:53pm

At least twice a year, Twitter and the internet at large become embroiled in some kind of controversy. Do dogs wear pants like this or like that? Do you wash your legs in the shower? For what feels like the last three weeks, the latest of difference of opinion has been: pineapples on pizza.

The president of Iceland even chimed in, saying he'd "ban" pineapple on pizza. Which led to him having to clarify that he doesn't actually have the power to do that. In an embarrassing attempt at relevancy, Canada's official Twitter account went so far as to claim we invented pineapple on pizza back in 1962 which is not a statement without controversy. According to Wikipedia, the Germans had their own variation back in 1955, but whatever. Canada still owns the "bragging" rights to California rolls.

To be fair, if you've ever ordered pizza for more than a few people at once, having fruit on pizza is controversial—and it should be. Pineapples on their own are generally hit or miss, especially if they're from a pizza chain. Having the wrong ripeness of pineapple on pizza can taste like how someone else's vomit smells. Personally, I don't really care about pineapple on pizza, it's usually not good but whatever. Either way, this is nothing more than a huge distraction from the real pizza problems. Are you ready for a pipin' hot take: corn on pizza is the true enemy.

"That's not a thing, you contrarian bitch" is what you are likely thinking if you're from Canada or the United States. But, yes it is! It's a real thing all over the world, basically anywhere that isn't North America you will find corn on pizza or at least it wouldn't be a ridiculous suggestion. On the Domino's Japan website, at least four pizzas have corn as a topping (one has corn and pineapple, kill me now.)

Sweet corn on its own is shitty. It tastes bad and it gets stuck in your teeth. That's why it was the only thing people could eat in Interstellar towards the end . Also, wake up sheeple it's in EVERYTHING. We're being pumped with corn all the time, you don't even know it but at any given moment you're at least 40 percent corn. According to anti-corn blog (I swear this is real) Live Corn Free, corn is in goddamn toothpaste. You know what else? You can pick pineapple quite easily off pizza (which is why everyone is being way too dramatic) BUT YOU CAN'T PICK CORN OFF PIZZA. It just blends in with the cheese and every bite you taste that bland Green Giant sweetness.

Basically, everyone needs to calm the hell down. As far as pizza goes, North America is doing a great job (just look at the regional diversity of pizza). It's the only thing we really have under control in these crazy times. Just pick off your pineapples and say a prayer your friends aren't trying to get you to eat corn 'za.

Follow Sarah on Twitter.

Lead image via Pexels.