Why It Sucks to Be Asked Where You're From When You're in Your Own Country

It's usually strangers that'll ask. A person that you've never said a word to in your life hits you with a question you never want to hear again: "Where are you from?" It's a common query that non-white people have to face regularly and it's never hard to read between the lines when it happens. The undertones are clear: this country is not the place you really belong. "New Zealand" is never the answer they are looking for. "No, I mean where are you really from?" they often reply. "Your parents—where do they come from?"

Leilani Momoisea is sick of those questions, and as the voice behind podcast Snacks and Chats, she talks to other New Zealanders who are sick of them, too. The episodes give Momoisea and her co-host/producer Ben Lawson the chance to talk to people like actor Madeleine Sami, TV personality Kanoa Lloyd, and professional fighter Israel Adesanya about their experiences of growing up in New Zealand. No two stories are the same, but common themes emerge as you make your way through the series. As Leilani says, hopefully you'll be able to see a little bit of yourself in there, too.

VICE: You open every Snacks and Chats interview by asking your guest what they say when people ask them where they're from. I want to turn the tables on you. What's your go-to response when people ask you the same thing?
Leilani Momoisea: For ages, the thing I would say is that I'm half-Samoan, half-Palagi. It's always because if I say I'm just Samoan, people will be like oh, are you sure? So I learned to say I'm half this and half that, so that there's no further follow-up questions.

Why do you think it's such a loaded question?
It's funny because I think the people asking it don't even know that it's loaded. I think for the most part, they're just curious. But for us, it's loaded because for the most part we're New Zealanders—it'll say on our passport that we're New Zealanders or that we were born here—and even if you're not born here, you're from here. You should feel like you belong here. I think it's loaded because white people don't get asked that, for starters. And when you really think about it, it's just people telling you that you don't look like what someone from New Zealand is supposed to look in their mind. So they want to know where your ancestors come from, or where your parents come from, or where you come from. And I don't know why they want to know that—if it's small talk, or whatever. It's just a question that we've had our entire lives, basically. I think it "others" you.

It's like this sense of either you belong here or you don't.
Yeah, and so if you say you're from New Zealand or you're from here, it's almost always not the answer that people want. So I think we all learn to devise our best answers so we can cut it short.

There are definitely times when you're just not in the mood to entertain the question, as well.
It also depends on the context. Say if another Samoan is like where's your dad from and what village are you from?, it's like they're searching for a connection. Whereas maybe if someone else asks it, they're not really searching for a connection, they're just curious. They just want you to satisfy their curiosity. If I say I'm Samoan, they're like oh, you don't look Samoan. There's always a backhanded compliment in there.

Do you think it's different again when women are asked that question by men? In the way that men often deem women of colour to be "exotic"?
Definitely. It wasn't something that I had really thought that deeply about, but through the series and talking to Katherine Lowe and Lucy Zee and other women of colour like Madeleine Sami and Kanoa Lloyd, there's a running theme: that you're some exotic creature that they're curious about and they want to get to know. Maybe they're surprised that they find this attractive, or something, and they need to know more.

You can always tell when people are grappling with what you've said.
They're like, what is it about you?

Have you ever felt the need to explain to someone why that question makes people uncomfortable?
No, and I think it's only kind of recently that I started thinking about it more deeply myself. Because for years, I used to be quite proud to be able to rep that I was Samoan. I used to be like this is an opportunity for me to be like, yeah, I'm Samoan. I thought it was a cool way for me to be proud of who I was. But it was only when I saw other friends take real offence to the question that I started thinking more about it. And then was like yeah, this kind of fucked up. I haven't actually taken the time to break it down for someone and I don't know if I can be fucked as well. Also, I think people get the gist in the way I answer. If you do say you're from New Zealand, that's a pretty nice, subtle way of calling them on that question because it makes them have to follow on from that.

What do you think is a better approach than just asking where people are from?
Maybe get to know the person before that's your first question. It's a funny thing; it's not like I always take offence to it—and I know I'm not the only one now—it's just something we've had our entire lives and, at our age, we're fucking sick of it. It's like, do I really still have to answer this question? It's usually strangers that ask you. I think people use it the same as how's the weather been? But it's not that kind of small-talk question. Maybe through getting to know me, I'll mention that my dad is Samoan. You don't have to fucking ask that. It's the same as what do you do? Any person gets annoyed with what do you do? because it's like, what does it matter what I do? Maybe just ask yourself why you're asking the question.

Where did the idea to start the podcast come from?
It came from this series I started doing called I Thought I Recognised Her . I think I was asked by Viva about representation of models in the modelling industry, or whatever, and I had this kind of big rant about how there's not representation of brown women, or women who look like me, and that kind of stuff. After I had that rant, I was like cool, but what am I doing about it? So I was like, I'm going to profile cool Auckland women doing cool things, and I based my interviews around that question: when people ask you where you're from, what do you tell them? Because I think the way you answer that question says a lot about your experiences and how you feel you're viewed by society and if you feel you're accepted or not. It gives people an opportunity to talk about where they're from as well, but in a non-threatening way.

The name of the podcast almost downplays some of the issues you talk about with people you have on. Was it intentional to have it sound informal? Do you think it helps to get people to open up more?
I know that we definitely caught a lot of people by surprise. I think, by the end of it, almost everyone has been like, whoa, this is really deep and hardcore. This was not what I was expecting.

What do you hope people get out of the podcast when they listen to it?
I just hope that it's interesting to people. I hope that they can see a little bit of themselves in it. It's been really cool to listen and relate in some way across the board. Even though so much of what they've been through is completely different to me, I can see a little bit of myself in their experiences. So I hope people can relate and I hope it can be educational somewhat; people can listen and think a little bit about how they interact with people.

It's interesting how some of the same themes emerge in all the episodes, despite everyone having a pretty different background. Do you feel like you're learning as you go as well?
It wasn't something that was a forethought or intentional, but language is a theme that runs throughout. It's such a huge identifier of identity and everyone feels so disconnected if they don't have the language, which is really sad but it also gives me a little bit of comfort because that's my experience as well. I've always felt like I would always be a little more connected if I had the language, so that's one definite theme that's running throughout the whole thing. The theme is always: our parents thought we'd have a better life if we could learn English. I definitely feel like I'm learning. I try and listen and assess because none of us are perfect and we're not always going to get it right, so it's nice to have these conversations in a non-judgemental way.

Subscribe and listen to the Snacks and Chats podcast here.

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