Rihanna Is 30 So Now I Want to Be 30 Too

Like most humans, I have goals and dreams and ambitions that I would like at some point during my earthly existence to attain. Most of them I think are pretty achievable; others, you know, like buying a home, feel a bit more pie-in-the-sky. My newest goal however (as of literally today) is to be 30. This is because today, February 20, is Robyn Rihanna Fenty's 30th birthday, and that means that 30 is no longer just an age: it's a lifestyle, and an aspirational one at that. If Rihanna's doing it, I wanna do it (this is kind of like when I once attempted to buy Fenty slides during a fire alarm).

As I write this I am 23, almost exactly a month away from turning 24, but Rihanna makes 30 look so good that I'm actually kind of wishing I could fast-forward a few years. Maybe if I were 30 I would be able, like Rihanna, to steal a wine glass from whatever establishment I have been at and make it look like an intentional outfit accessory. I have stolen a wine glass from a bar precisely once: I clumsily hid it in the inside pocket of my large denim jacket while extremely drunk on a Tinder date, and later threw the wine glass in a public bin because it was annoying and not cool and I kept getting the wine down me in front of my date, who was hot. If I were 30, like Rihanna, I would make glass-stealing look effortless and mysterious. Instead I am 23, and have no hand-eye co-ordination. Oh to be 30.

It's only just struck me today, a Holy Day, to be sure, that if I, like Rihanna, were 30, all my problems would be solved. On her, 30 looks sexy, self-assured, and not at all a terrifying marker of personal mortality that you're meant to celebrate with a mini-break or cocktail party, all the while thinking about impending oblivion. It just looks cool (and also you apparently get to be the CEO of the world's most sought-after make-up brand, as well as a beloved musician). Sign me up.

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