Cocaine Libidos, Gang-Bang Fantasies and Pervy Language Teachers

QUESTION 1

Dear Mish,

I was recently in a relationship for six years (from the age of 20 to 26.) It ended due to my drug use I know that now and accept that.The problem is since I've been clean (and my libido has come back) I have no idea how to meet or interact with women. I never had this problem before. I used to go to shows but now I'm scared to go in case I see my ex.

Please tell me how does a boy get his confidence back?

White Powder Killed My Love Life

Dearest White Powder,

Cocaine is a nasty drug. I remember the first time I really did cocaine. I was 16-years-old in my friend’s basement. Sitting downstairs by her brother’s makeshift collection of weights, we ground up a gram until our fingers were sore from rubbing our library cards into the coke. We did the whole pile within 30 minutes. Before long we were both shaking, smoking and over-sharing. I read parts of my journal out loud. My journal. My 16-year-old girl journal.

In short, cocaine is evil. It lies to you. It tells you you are sober enough to have 18 more beers. It tells you you are sexy enough to fuck. It tells you it’s a good idea to talk to complete strangers about that time your uncle grabbed your penis in passing. As you know, when you are doing coke you are always chasing that last line, so nothing else matters, especially the way you act to other people.

I think you should be really proud of yourself for getting off the rat poison. Congrats. Now, the issue of you meeting new women…

I think your confidence issue has more to do with your recent break-up then the drug itself. I’m not an addictions councilor (crazy, right?), but I think you are just dealing with the aftermath of losing the woman you loved during six of your most formative years. My first “true love” (I hate that I just used that term) and I were together, on and off, for nearly five years. We started dating when I was 18-years-old. He was everything to me and we learned the world together, so when he and I broke up I felt like someone had cut off my arm. It took me years to get over him. Years. Years. What I didn’t realize is that it’s normal.

All I can tell you is that getting your confidence back will take time and not much else. Be with your friends. Focus on yourself, your hobbies, work and interests. Stay occupied. Don’t hole up in your house. Go out. If you are afraid your ex might be there, then go somewhere else. It’s okay to not be ready to face her yet. One day you will get there. Talk your problems out. Get a therapist. (If you can not afford a therapist, I have a neighbor who helps me with all my deep issues. She’s the best.) And remember that breaking up is normal. We all do it and we all survive. You are strong. You kicked your coke habit, right? Come on. That’s not easy. Like, at all.

You are tougher than you think.

QUESTION 2

Dear Mish,

I have honestly been considering taking my fiancée of 3 years to a swingers club for her birthday surprise in February. I don't know how she would take it, if I suggested it to her, so please help me out. I know she once in a drunken state mentioned she would like to be gang banged by three guys. But when she was sober and I suggested swinging on an e-mail I sent to her she never replied. Please advise.
Thanks in advance,

Swinger Curious

Dear Swinger Curious,

If there is anything I learned from my drug-addled club years when I used to fuck whoever I wanted whenever I wanted, it’s that being a guest star in the threesome is always the best. Guest staring in a couple’s threesome fantasy means you can walk out when it’s over and escape the aftermath of the relationship. (Orgies are even better because the chances that someone has a pocket full of pills are that much higher. Just kidding. Not kidding.) However, in your case, you are looking to share both yourself and your fiancée with other people. Let’s unpack this.

Firstly, unless your fiancée happens to be the character Samantha from Sex and the City, I’m not sure “surprising” her on her birthday by taking her to a swingers club is the most genius idea. Most people only like surprises when they involve a big stack of free money and not much else. Is the swingers club something your fiancée has ever expressed desire to do? Did you snoop in her planner and read the words, “SECRETLY WANT TO GO TO SWINGERS CLUB, BUT TOO SCARED TO ASK. WISH HE WOULD SURPRISE ME”? If not, then she probably doesn’t want this. When people want stuff for their birthday, they hint for it. I once knew a chick who cut out a photo of the engagement ring she wanted and put it on the fridge so her boyfriend would get the picture. Psycho, right? Some of us are less subtle than others, but you get the point.

That isn’t to say I’m not opposed to doing weird shit. I think it’s healthy to go and experience new things, swingers clubs included. Even if you guys go and it’s a total disaster, do you think you both can laugh about it later? Is this something your girlfriend might actually think is funny? Or is she the sensitive type to freak out and be embarrassed or mad? This is your call. I don’t know the prude level of your lady.

Now, the drunken mention of a three dude gang-bang. I don’t think this means she wants to go to a swingers club. I think this means that in the part of her brain that produces sexual fantasies she wants to get fucked by three dudes at once. You do not need to go to a swingers club to get this rolling. If this is something your girlfriend actually wants to pursue (and she tells you when she is sober and you talk about it), then place an ad and find some suitable candidates. Most couples I know who are involved with group sex go by one rule: close friends or strangers only. As lame as it is, group sex often works better with some planning and, as I say, if you aren’t mature enough to talk about then you sure as hell aren’t mature enough to do it.

But, honestly, my psychic vagina is telling me that your girlfriend’s vagina isn’t really dying to go to a swingers club or get fucked by three dudes, or else she would have responded SOMETHING to your email.

So, in short: talk to your girlfriend. Surprises are annoying, especially when the surprise is three dicks coming at you.

QUESTION 3

Dear Mish,

I replied to a classified add from a Japanese woman seeking an English teacher.  We have been conversing for some time through email and tomorrow we are meeting at Starbucks.I would perhaps like to engage in some extra curricular activities with her in the bedroom. Not necessarily tomorrow, but in the future.  What do you think the best way would be to convince her that this is a good idea? 

A White Guy Who Loves Asian Women

Dear White Guy Who Loves Asian Women,

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time my life totally sucked and I worked at a cooperate coffee shop downtown as a barista. When I worked the evening shift, I often observed many men like yourself tutoring young Japanese women in conversational English. A lot of the times, the exchanges were innocent and purely about learning a new language, but one out of three times I’d see a boner poke up from under the table and I’d know that dude was fantasizing about fucking the shit out of that Japanese girl’s anus.

I’m not going to give you tips on how to get this new-to-the-English-language tourist to want to fuck you, because there is no tip. Either she’s into you beyond being a language teacher or she is not. Quite frankly, the fact that even before meeting this girl, you are fantasizing about fucking her tells me you should not be teaching her or anyone of the Asian persuasion because you obviously have ill tendencies. Imagine if there was a pedophile middle school teacher who was constantly trying to fuck his students? He would be fired.

But, I don’t just want to call you a pervert and leave it at that, because you are not a pervert. You are misguided and need help.

Asian women are your thing. Instead of praying on your Japanese students who do not want sex from you, why don’t you download some porn like a normal person? Or check the personals for Asian women seeking horny white dudes? These women actually EXPECT to fuck you. Go to bars, clubs, beaches, grocery stores. Basically, you can go and hit on Asian women wherever you like, it’s just really not that appropriate in the student-teacher relationship.

Please, email that Japanese woman you are supposed to teach English and tell her you can no longer make the lesson. I have your name and email and if you do not, I will find you and cut your dick off with my kitchen scissors and keep it in my collection.

Love,

Mish

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