The Ham Baby Olympics - Going For The Gold Is Taking A While

A little while back we at the Vice Toronto offices pledged to deliver our mayor, Rob Ford, a baby carved out of ham in his likeness, as a reward for all he does in our fair city. The only catch was that he had to earn it. At the time it seemed like all he needed to do was continue being himself. We thought with warmer weather on the horizon, and the kind of summery things that have spurned him in the past, we'd have his trophy to him in no time. But Rob Ford is nothing if not a paradox, perhaps someone had cut off his sugar supply because this toddler was finally starting to calm down. We were getting worried. Until…

Dearest Mayor Ford,

The fuck is going on, man? The city is turning into some kind of 'Do The Right Thing' director's cut and you're sweating rorschach shapes through the back of your shirt and falling off something a half-inch from the ground? Fine, so you cancelled the much publicized "Cut The Waist" challenge you and your brother were doing. We all saw it coming after a few months of not showing up for the weigh-ins on your special scale. But we are all human, and you maybe a little moreso,

And we all make mistakes.

But in light of all the ways we've recently made the news as a feral, gun-crazed city, how 'bout we trace the particular steps you've taken in getting us there:

- Last week the federal government was prepared to give the city $350,000 for a year-long gang-intervention project. It wasn't going to cost the city anything, and came after you cut 17 of the 29 youth-outreach staff cause you didn't think they were preventing anything. Well, fuckin' whoops am I right? Anyway, let's not get hung up on that. Clearly you are a proud man, against hand-outs, and they are trying to tear you down for it. Remember, you declined that $100,000 from the province for HIV and syphilis screenings and voted against $7.2 milly in grants to community groups? Cause you are the last man alive sticking to your cinnabons, I mean guns.

Oh Wobb, I wish it stopped there but it doesn't.

- Your own brother called the apple of your eye, mother of your precious children, your delicate flower of a wife who you've always respected and cherished, 'the Polack' on the engaging and informative radio programme you co-host together.Tell us, is there a moment you can trace when your heart broke, exactly? You don't have to answer right away.

- 2 weeks ago you vowed to once and for all get rid of the 5 cent bag tax Torontonians have been cursed with. But in a cold-hearted coup every single member of city council voted not only against scrapping the tax, but also opted to get rid of plastic bags all together, making us the first Major city in Canada (not even Vancouver!) to do so. Like any responsible mayor you called it "the people's fault", "the dumbest thing council has done", and that you think we're "gonna get sued".

Don't worry, we've been here all along, watching and waiting in the wings to give you your due comeuppance and please believe us when we say you are almost there buddy. We have the carving sheers sharpened and are ready to deliver that ham baby, you just concentrate on doing your best.

@wtevs