Old People Having Sex Is Gross, Despite what the Huffington Post Says

Last week, in an article for the Huffington Post, Patty Brisben claimed that “like a fine wine, sex gets better with age.” She wasn’t referring to thirty- or forty-something MILFs. No, much worse. Patty was referring to grey-bushed, meat-curtained GILFs.

Is it me, or is this is just another annoying example of baby boomers obnoxiously clinging to the we-can-have-it-all mentality? Sure, approaching the blackened void of death’s eternal embrace is a major buzz-kill and it’s understandable why aging boomers try to squeeze whatever fun-juice they can from the shrivelled-up grapefruit they call their lives. But, can we please draw the line at friction fires caused by unkempt, geriatric pubes rubbing together vigorously on polyester couches? I’m not saying that old people shouldn’t get it on, but let’s not pretend that it isn’t gross, weird, and probably a little bit wrong.

Let's look at how Patty defends sex after 50, shall we?

1. An empty house means that you'll finally have the time and freedom to have spontaneous sex -- just make sure you keep those blinds closed!

Spontaneous sex is all about getting caught with your pants down, literally, with someone you’re not supposed to be with in public spaces like elevators during 20 minute lunch breaks. Being able to do it anywhere, anytime you want isn’t exciting. Especially in an empty house which is basically a metaphor for depression. There’s nothing less sexy than getting bent over doggie style, while longingly looking over at the family photos on your bookshelf wondering: “Why don’t my kids call me anymore?”

2. As we age, we tend to grow less inhibited and gain a new acceptance and appreciation for our bodies, especially women. In our 20s and 30s, there tends to be a strict standard of beauty that we hold ourselves to, but after giving birth or being with a partner for many years, it's easier to redefine individualistic beauty. This new confidence provides women with the freedom to unleash their wild side in the bedroom and have the confidence to ask for what they want.

Multi-million dollar industries have been built from wrinkle creams and cosmetic surgeries. People have never been more insecure about aging than they are today. Back in olden times, wrinkles were a thing to be revered, a walking cane garnered instant respect, and near-blindness was an indicator of deep insight rather than sharp eyesight. Just ask my man Tiersias. There’s nothing wrong with surrendering to the crushing weight of time and natural decay by accepting a shitty body, and we all know, shitty bodies aren’t sexy.

3. Some people find that it actually becomes easier to communicate about unresolved performance issues as we get older. There is a direct correlation between sexual issues, such as low libido and erectile dysfunction, and age. When people feel like their problems are less like an individual failing and more like the body's natural progression, it's easier to discuss it.

If we’re going to talk about the “body’s natural progression,” let’s focus on how after menopause, sex is completely unnecessary, biologically speaking. Sex isn’t about love or pleasure. At its core it’s about shooting enough loads and fertilizing enough eggs to continue the human race. Once periods and rock-hard boners stop happening, baby boomers like to defy nature by selfishly ignoring nature’s cues.

4. In a long-term committed relationship, trust has been built up for years, so individuals, especially women, experience a higher level of emotional and physical closeness, which contributes to more satisfying sex…

What’s trust got to do with it? Have you ever reminisced about a threesome and thought: “It was alright, but I really wish we’d had time to really get to know each other on some personal levels between all the double blowjobs and relubing”? Nope. No one has.

5. Post-menopause, you no longer have to worry about getting pregnant, which opens the door to more spontaneous and less stressful romps. Additionally, some women link birth control to lower levels of desire and decreased libido. Just remember though, if you're not in a monogamous relationship, you'll still need to use a condom to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.

Old habits die hard. Since baby boomers were mega-slutty and consistently bloinked sans condoms (or as we call it in Canada, ‘pulling the goalie’) in the 60s and 70s, old people nowadays are getting STDs all the time. As if the geriatric genitals department wasn’t already barftastic. Go ahead, picture a droopy set of ZZ Top-bearded old man balls, with green slime dribbling out of a time-battered urethra and just try and stay in the mood.

6. If you're still working, and lucky enough to have reached a point in your career where you have financial stability, that may mean less stress and more disposable income to spend on romantic dinners, vacations and sassy lingerie. Create a romantic bucket list with your partner; experiencing new activities together will help to create and reinvigorate your bond.

Broke twenty-somethings love getting their jollies by making the sex because it’s free and everyone’s looking pretty good. Thirty-somethings fuck on more practical levels because they want babies. Forty-somethings are kidding themselves, and anyone older is pretending that their flappy sack of guts can be sexily repackaged in “sassy lingerie.” Use that financial stability toward enjoying romantic dinners and vacations for what they are: opportunities to eat nice food, relax by the beach, and maybe try out a new brand of sunscreen. They’re not elaborate excuses to meet new fuck buddies, like us young people so often do.

Let’s face it, hormones turn young people into sex-addled, shit talking idiots. I personally can’t wait for the day when they start to chill out and my neck won’t be so strained from swivel-ogling dime pieces walking the babe-saturated streets of Montreal. That is, if I make it to that age, because those distracting girls are the reason I almost get hit by at least two cars every day trying to cross the street.

Not everything gets worse with age. Tolerance for boredom, interior decorating, and shuffleboard skills all seem to improve. But with sex, the only good thing about old people banging is visualizing the disturbing images to prevent yourself from blowing your load too early.

@GGRPike