The names in some of these stories have been modified to protect the survivor’s identity.
Infants no more: As I mentioned earlier, queer individuals suffer tremendously because they don’t know whom to turn to. And as we see in the following account, our parents rarely believe us in the first place:
“I was six or younger. There was this woman who worked for my mother, 19 or 20. She used to play with me, and my mom didn’t suspect anything, because she was a woman. She used to tell me to play Papa and she used to be Mumma, and she'd kiss me and touch me everywhere, and tell me to touch her too. I went along with it, because I didn't know any better. I realised very late about what had happened. I told my mom about it, and she didn't believe me. She still doesn't. I have this crippling fear that the reason I am bisexual is because of the abuse.”
This is one of the 10 accounts of abuse by cousins and family members that people wrote to me about.Straight Therapy: Neeta from Chandigarh went through this harrowing experience. It was her own family. She came out to her traditional family when they were forcing her to get married.
“I cannot begin to fathom how I lived through this. It was clear to me from my teens that I wasn’t going to marry a guy. But by the time I was 23, the pressure was immense and my father resorted to beating me physically almost every week. In a flash of anger one day, I told them I like girls and that was that. In November 2016, my cousins came to stay with us, and I was asked to not go to work for a few days and be available to “serve their needs”. You probably understand by now where this goes, but yes, my own family allowed me to be raped for three days consecutively, so I could know what it is like to be married to a man.”Dance to my tunes: Ask anyone in Mumbai about rumours about a certain filmmaker or choreographer being gay, and they will agree they have heard something. A friend of mine, Ali, recounted this story to me that unfolded on the set of a famous dance reality show.
“I was always into dancing. So when I got to work alongside this choreographer for a famous dance reality show, I was ecstatic. Except he wanted to screen every dancer individually. I was the first one to go in, and I was just gushing with joy. He asked me to stretch like we are getting ready for a dance routine. He came close to me and started feeling my calves, commenting on how firm they were. It made me really uncomfortable. And then he asked me strip so I could try out a costume he liked. I immediately left and as expected was fired the next day. This has been weighing so much on me. I moved out of Mumbai for a while to regain my sanity.”These are just some of the cases that need to be highlighted because the events seem so bizarre and we go on believing that we do not need to educate our kids about sex at an early age. In some instances, cops who are supposed to help victims have also turned out to be perpetrators. And we have also heard of cases of Intimate Partner Violence, where one partner in a relationship relentlessly abuses the other.
“The trauma of abuse leads close to 80% of queer youth towards suicide and self-harm,” says Rajvi Gosala, a social worker and mental health counsellor from Ahmedabad. Gosala herself does not shy away from talking about her disability (her body is paralysed from the waist down) and the fact that her parents worry about her even more so. She counsels in-questioning queer individuals and has helped them find a safe way to cope with their anxieties. She is also a firm believer of self-help and says, “If I help myself around on a wheelchair and go about doing my everyday business, then what's stopping you? You will always be responsible for your own safety. Not trusting most people helps.”
I spoke to Suraj Sanap, part of Lawyers Collective who works extensively with LGBTQ+ individuals. He says, “At Lawyers Collective, we have not dealt with cases of sexual assault within the queer community very often. This is not a comment on the occurrence of sexual assault, rather on the circumstances allowing reporting of sexual assault within the queer community. For instance, in 2015, a 22-year-old gay man approached us to seek legal advice on filing a sexual assault case under Section 377, against a man he met through an online dating app. However, we advised him that it is in his best interests to not report the case to police, since Section 377 makes no distinction between consensual sex and non-consensual sex, and therefore the client may risk incriminating himself."
In 2018, a 21-year-old gay man sought legal advice from Lawyers Collective for separating from his family as his father had sexually abused him for many years since his childhood. But things are getting better post the amendment of Section 377. Sanap continues, “As of today, as Section 377 is declared to exclude sex between consenting adults by the Supreme Court decision dated September 6, 2018, gay, bisexual or trans-victims/survivors of abuse/assault may choose to report the offence under Section 377. The provision only punishes non-consensual conduct now. Lesbian women can seek a remedy for sexual assault under Section 375, 376 of IPC for rape. The de-criminalisation of sex between consenting adults by the Supreme Court will allow a more enabling environment for reporting sexual assault cases involving male victims/survivors now, as there is no longer a fear of self-incrimination as a gay, bisexual or trans person reporting non-consensual sex to police or before a court.”
It’s clear that despite the anger boiling over the internet, things will take their time to play out. Because this is a movement, and movements take time. But to really keep the #MeToo revolution alive across the gender spectrum, we have to first acknowledge that we messed up big time. I looked at my friend for a fitting conclusion to this piece, and he just shrugged and said, “There is never going to be an end to this.” I asked why. And without missing a beat, he said, “Because everyone is accusing everyone nowadays, and the problem is, the ones accused know they did it. All we can do now is watch how we behave.”
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