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The Only Thing Worse Than Brand Twitter Is Horny Brand Twitter

Netflix asked companies to tweet "something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account," and now we are in hell.

by Drew Schwartz
09 December 2019, 7:11am

Illustration by Hilary Pollack

This article originally appeared on VICE US.

There’s no such thing as a good Brand Tweet. You, a Brand, can be sterile and inoffensive, and be ignored; you can make a bunch of corny jokes, and face death threats; you can get performatively sad and make a vaguely suicidal cry for help, and be condemned for exploiting depression; but you cannot, no matter how hard you try, actually do a Good Tweet.

This is a fact the Brands refuse to accept. Instead, they forge on, each of them trying ever harder to convince us that they're just another sentient, relatable fish in the irredeemably polluted bog that is the timeline, one "yasssss" or "bae" or "ok, boomer" at a time.

It's hard to imagine the Brands getting any worse than they already are—but on Thursday, they discovered the ability to be horny online. Welcome to hell.

After Netflix—a high-level, prolific author of Humanlike Brand Tweets—put this cursed missive out into the universe, dozens of other brands jumped on board, reveling in the chance to say something racy under the protective guise of double entendre. These tweets fall into a few different buckets, but you can place most of them into the following category:

Kill Me Now, God

These are all regrettable, to different degrees—some are even scarring. The vision of fisting a bag of Kettle Chips, in particular, will prove difficult to eradicate from our minds. But at least they all make sense. You can't really say the same for these tweets, which you could collectively label as such:

What? Who Would Ever Say That During Sex?

Woof. Wow. Just... wow! OK, moving on: The best of these Horny Brand Tweets are, paradoxically, actually the worst of them. Intentionally or otherwise, a handful of brand accounts tweeted out gutting self-owns: sad, vulnerable admissions about their inability to perform in the bedroom, all of which fit under the umbrella of:

Hello, I Am Bad at Sex

Now that they've discovered how to be horny on main and get away with it, there's no telling how far Brand Twitter will take this thing. Soon enough, the Cow Tales mascot will tweet about how Beto O'Rourke would make it cum until its calves cramp, and Amazon Prime is going to publicly declare how bad it wants to fuck the Joker.

This is our world now, and things will only get worse from here. But the engagement is going to be great!

Follow Drew Schwartz on Twitter.

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