Illustration: Prianka Jain
That One Time is an NSFW series that explores sex and sexuality with the wide-eyed curiosity of a virgin. It delves into the personal narratives of people from ‘that one time’ which they’ll never, ever forget.It all started—like how all great things do—with a WhatsApp group. The three of us, friends since the first day of first jobs in Delhi and now living in different countries, would often catch up on gossip, scandals and, of course, ‘self-help’ tips (yes, that of coital nature).One of the ‘self-help’ conversations was this running joke about my inability to masturbate. “Have you touched ‘Sudarshan’ (Sanskrit for ‘good looking’) today?” G would often ask. Sudarshan was their pseudonym for my clit (for no reason, really).While sex was something we would often discuss in lurid detail—including optimal positions and skill sets of all our partners (yes, women talk, without jeopardising our personal boundaries and with an aim to inform and empower)—masturbation was never really my, uh, thing. It was mostly to do with my inadequate understanding of my own body (hello, Sex Education). And it deeply concerned me too, mostly my own FOMO around a subject that my generation is effectively destigmatising. Not being able to masturbate felt, at the time, very unwoke.After shaming me for not having tried “hard enough”, G decided enough was enough. A week after our last conversation, I received a “personal care item” from Amazon, handed to me by my elderly neighbour. I opened it and found “Dr Physio Sports Body Massager for Pain Relief”. “It is full body powerful vibrating massager that helps you relieve all of your body tension and sore muscles after a long day work,” the package read. Oh, I knew what sore muscles it was talking about.I immediately wrote to G (because who else would be so personally invested in my ‘condition’?). Here’s how it went:Me: I AM SO EXCITEE. But I don’t know how to use it.
G: Listen carefully. Do NOT shove it in your vajayay.
Me: Uh oh.
G: So switch it on. Try the different vibrations. The middle one changes the rhythm. So find the one you like. Get into bed, but with a teeeeeeny bit of lube on Sudarshan. And just KEEP the massager on Sudarshan. Try different angles. That’s all. And wait for like a minute or two.
Me: I don’t have a lube.
G: That’s fine. Just moisten it.
Me: And for how long do I hold it there?
G: Oh you’ll know when to stop.
Me: I can’t believe you sent me this. It means just one thing. That it works.
G: YES, it works so fucking well.
Me: I can’t wait to not be dependent on men for sex.
G: Are you gonna call out my name?
S (the third friend, married and vibrator-virgin): You guys, stop sexting.
Me: Captain Sudarshan reporting to duty. Okay guys, wish me luck.
S: Sext us later!Ten minutes later:Me: Omg. Omg. Omg. Omg. Omg. Omg. Omg. No. Words. Omg. Omg.
G: Hahhahahhahahahha.
Me: Sex is not the same.
G: You liked it??
Me: This is sorcery.
G: I tried a threeway with the techie guy. Ded.
Me: I don’t think I’ll be able to survive that orgasm.
G: I do it almost every night.
Me: I’m going to do this every morning when I wake up, and before I sleep. I mean, this is as basic as food. Okay going for round two.Within a week, I had spoken to every female friend I knew. Their reactions ranged from “Is it better than sex?” to “Wow, about time, sister.” Since then, the first batch has been the recipient of forced online shopping and advance birthday gifts. Those who are married are a little harder to crack. “Isn’t it like cheating?” one asked. The new ‘converts’ are now out there, preaching self-love to more potential devotees. And while the debate over “Which one’s better?” rages on, suffice to say that this chain of gifting love is the best self-love I have indulged in (apart from, of course, Captain Sudarshan).PS: As I wrote this account, a friend of mine pinged me for the link to Dr Physio Sports Body Massager for Pain Relief, to gift her friend who is getting married. May this tribe increase.Check out other stories from this series here .
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G: Listen carefully. Do NOT shove it in your vajayay.
Me: Uh oh.
G: So switch it on. Try the different vibrations. The middle one changes the rhythm. So find the one you like. Get into bed, but with a teeeeeeny bit of lube on Sudarshan. And just KEEP the massager on Sudarshan. Try different angles. That’s all. And wait for like a minute or two.
Me: I don’t have a lube.
G: That’s fine. Just moisten it.
Me: And for how long do I hold it there?
G: Oh you’ll know when to stop.
Me: I can’t believe you sent me this. It means just one thing. That it works.
G: YES, it works so fucking well.
Me: I can’t wait to not be dependent on men for sex.
G: Are you gonna call out my name?
S (the third friend, married and vibrator-virgin): You guys, stop sexting.
Me: Captain Sudarshan reporting to duty. Okay guys, wish me luck.
S: Sext us later!
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G: Hahhahahhahahahha.
Me: Sex is not the same.
G: You liked it??
Me: This is sorcery.
G: I tried a threeway with the techie guy. Ded.
Me: I don’t think I’ll be able to survive that orgasm.
G: I do it almost every night.
Me: I’m going to do this every morning when I wake up, and before I sleep. I mean, this is as basic as food. Okay going for round two.Within a week, I had spoken to every female friend I knew. Their reactions ranged from “Is it better than sex?” to “Wow, about time, sister.” Since then, the first batch has been the recipient of forced online shopping and advance birthday gifts. Those who are married are a little harder to crack. “Isn’t it like cheating?” one asked. The new ‘converts’ are now out there, preaching self-love to more potential devotees. And while the debate over “Which one’s better?” rages on, suffice to say that this chain of gifting love is the best self-love I have indulged in (apart from, of course, Captain Sudarshan).PS: As I wrote this account, a friend of mine pinged me for the link to Dr Physio Sports Body Massager for Pain Relief, to gift her friend who is getting married. May this tribe increase.Check out other stories from this series here .