If there’s one thing that each year teaches millennials, it’s that if you don’t know your socio-political terms, be prepared to stare at your food while your friends, colleagues and family engage in ideological crossfires over the dinner table. More than that, these concepts have the knack of filtering into, and becoming a part of, the most intimate part of our lives—like eating a perfect woodfired pizza on a rainy day. Which is how I found myself one fine day breaking down some of the socio-political terms one must keep in mind to make conversations—and pizza toppings—more palatable.
Absolutism: Your father decides what pizza to order and from where, for dinner, for everyone. Period.
Anarchism: Everyone in the family is ordering pizza for themselves for dinner. No one asks you what you would like to have or to share a pizza with them because you are expected to order your own. You have no clue about pizza types and toppings.
Capitalism: Your mother orders pizza for dinner. You pay her Rs 500. She complains. You call the police and complain that she’s rioting.
Colonialism: Your mother is making pizza for dinner. You barge into the kitchen, click a photo of the pizza, eat it, and Instagram it to the world saying that you’ve just ‘discovered’ pizza.
Communism: You order pizza for dinner, your father orders pizza for dinner, your mother orders pizza for dinner. All of you salute the photo of your late grandfather before eating dinner.
Conservatism: You prefer the classic margherita pizza over pineapple pizza for dinner.
Egalitarianism: That one time you made pizza for dinner is proof that it’s all equal and no one needs feminism anymore.
Environmentalism: You order a vegan, cruelty-free, gluten-free, preservative-free, processed ingredient-free pizza for dinner from an all-organic outlet.
Fascism: Your mother orders pizza for dinner whilst fearing for her life.
Feminism: Your father makes the pizza, your mother supports him by shopping for raw materials and doing the dishes.
Homophobia: You feel unnatural that your mother doesn’t make pizza for dinner. This is against God’s will and nature.
Liberalism: You watch your mother make pizza at home with much difficulty. You feel really bad and feel the need to do something to stop it. That something may or may not happen.
Libertarianism: Your mother makes the pizza and you believe that you made it yourself.
Matriarchy: Your mother makes the pizza. You help her make it and feel glad that you’re doing your bit in the house.
Men’s Rights Activism: Your mother makes the pizza and you slut shame her for doing it.
Misandry: That one time your mother refused to make pizza has convinced you that she hates you.
Misogyny: You hate your mother whether or not she makes the pizza or orders one. You just hate her.
Nationalism: You order only roti and sabzi from an Indian outlet even though you want to have pizza for dinner.
Neo-capitalism: Your mother makes pizza for dinner. You pay her Rs 500. You then ask her to make more for your hostel mates. You make your friends pay Rs 2,000 per pizza.
Patriarchy: Your mother doesn’t exist. The homemade pizza just turns up magically on your dinner table.
Sexism: Of course your mother has to make the pizza. Duh!
Socialism: Your mother makes the pizza and you clean the kitchen. Everyone is theoretically happy.