This article originally appeared on VICE US.
My two cats are named Gatsby and Kilgore Trout (although everyone calls the latter Killer)—which is fine, if a little pretentious for a pair of felines owned by a pair of writers living in Brooklyn. These are their names because I was 22-years-old and about to graduate with a liberal arts degree when I got Gatsby, and because my now-husband was my new boyfriend who wanted to impress me with his bookish bonafides when we got Killer. Gatsby is slight and finicky but deeply committed to curling atop a warm body. Killer is a puppy-like massive pile of fur that flops around the apartment with abandon.
I couldn't love them any more if they were named Sandwiches and Sauerkraut, or Profiteroles and Pickles, or Walnuts and Whiskey Sours. But, I would love their names more.
Allow me to make a humble suggestion that will in no way resolve any real issues in your life but which will reliably elicit a subconscious smile: Name your pets after food. Allow me to make an addendum to that suggestion that will seem laughably minuscule but in fact distinguishes you as a person of subtly discerning taste: Make that food name plural.
That's it. That's the whole hack, and could conceivably be the end of this blog, but 200 words seems a little light so this is where we have fun with examples. First of all, these kittens, who are not the original source of this theory but a welcome manifestation of the first half of the hack:
Are you not verklempt? Of course, a kitten by any other name would be just as cute, but doesn't even the idea of little Ravioli make you want to sign up for 12 to 18 years of scooping poop and never investing in nice furniture? (If it does and you're also, incidentally, living in the Rochester area, a similarly named litter is currently available for adoption.)
Consider, though, for the sake of the addendum, that even if you're ordering an entire plate of the stuff, "ravioli" and "ziti" sound singular. Noodles, meanwhile, is notably more adorable than Noodle would be... just like Bagels > Bagel, and Peppers > Pepper, and Cookies > Cookie, and while we're on the subject someone name their dog Tagalongs, please.
A cat named Dumplings.
A dog named Tacos.
A horse named Pinto Beans (sorry.)
A fish named Scrapple and a pig named Sushi (but not the other way around).
A lizard named Mimosas.
A hermit crab named Fruity Pebbles.
Kimchi, Tater Tots, Kiwis, Churros, Applesauce, Croissants, Sausages, Moules-frites, Macaroons, Cheetos, Bananas, Salami, Tofu, Milkshakes, Biscuits...
I could, quite literally, do this all day.