General Bipin Rawat Is the Hero the Homosexuals in India Deserve

At an annual press conference held in Delhi, Army Chief General Bipin Rawat was asked about the recent bill which seeked to grant equal rights to LGBTQ members to serve in the Indian armed forces. To this he replied, “Homosexuality and adultery are unacceptable in the military. The Army is conservative. We have not modernised, neither westernised. This cannot be allowed to happen. It is a very serious matter.”

Now this comment, coming from a sexagenarian should not surprise anyone really. Yet Indian Twitter got no chill.

In a country where there’s no dearth of dumb comments made by people of influence, this one comes as a respite to several homosexuals like me. In an ideal democracy, everyone is treated as equal. This means that when it comes to serving the country and protecting its borders, everyone has to participate irrespective of their gender or sexual orientation. Well, not me. As soon as I read the General’s statement, I went, “Phew. I don’t think I can ever rock a pair of camouflage cargos.”

Honestly, from the time I was allowed to watch JP Dutta films, I was psyched to be a part of the Army. “Leave my family behind and spend months with other buff dudes? Hell yes! Where do I sign up?” But with time, I have grown wiser. Because if not for the armed forces guarding our borders, I wouldn’t be allowed to be a raging homosexual in my free country. If we let the terrorists win, my hedonistic lifestyle is the first thing they are coming for. And I also got a C in physical training.

I hear there are delicious meals served in the Army that the soldiers really enjoy, but I have been asked by the doctor to cut out carbs and discomfort from my diet, so honestly, this announcement could not have come at a better time. And most importantly, if all the gays are allowed to join the armed forces, what will Bollywood do? I can’t even dare think of such a time. With things the way they are, there’s a certain balance to the Indian populace. I say, we let it be till the age of the Vedas returns.

It’s really cute that General Bipin Rawat feels that there aren’t already homosexuals in the Army, serving both, the country and often each other. A quick Grindr search should calm his doubts. What happens in the barracks, stays in the barracks, General.

Truth is, everyone needs to get laid (or in this context Leh’d, amiright?). Better sex means less aggression. And less aggression equals no surgical strikes, thereby saving us all from a press conference that is so conveniently held around the patriotic handjob that is Uri.

Jai Hind.

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