If you could cum out of any bit of you, which bit would you cum out of?
I have to tell you immediately: this is not as good a Tinder opener as you might have first thought. But it’s something to think about, sometimes, isn’t it, in those quiet moments you sometimes get to yourself: perhaps you could open up some valve in the back of your knee and cum out of that, or a flap in your elbow crook. Perhaps you might like to cum out of an ear, or mouth. Maybe you think the nipples a viable cum option. I’m just here to tell you: there are alternatives available. That archaic methods of cumming have been scrapped, all of them, and replaced with this:
This, according to Designboom, is a "seeding finger" – the idea of South Korean industrial designer and artist, Koo Hyeonjeong, who intends for the device to be used by women of the future to self-impregnate.
Yes! I! Have! Some! Questions!
What exactly am I looking at here? As best I can tell – and I have to be honest, here, despite trying very hard to understand this by reading about it, I am also quite alarmingly distracted by the very reality of it, I mean I have never seen a hand surgically augmented w/ a bellpiece, so – as best I can tell I am looking at a surgical concept here that would add a sort of erection-having optional organ to the hand, and that this would allow women to impregnate others without the involvement of a man. So – and this is a very base, very dismissive, reductive way of looking at it – I mean, what you're looking at here is a dickfinger. It’s a dickfinger. It’s a finger that is also a dick. It is a dickfinger.
So, like, yes, again, it is quite difficult conceptually to get your head around this, due to the fact it seems to involve assembling a rudimentary dick cypher in the place of an otherwise normal middle finger. But I think what I’m basically getting from this is: with the help of a three-piece dickfinger kit consisting of a "stem", a "pouch" and a "tube", surgeons of the future will theoretically be able to convert a middle finger into a sort of erection-having semi-dick, whereby the pouch will produce sperm (details are very "??????????" on how such a pouch will produce such a thing) which will then be honked up the tube and out through the tip of the stem, which has a cum-hole in it. And then, boom: man-free pregnancy. Look, here’s how your finger is going to look in a hundred years, before it gets hard enough to fuck w/:
I mean: do you want to fuck that thing? Would you fuck that thing? The monster finger. That is also a dick. Would you? Would you fuck it? Perhaps a different question: would you type a text on a smartphone with it? Can you imagine trying to do a roll-up with that? What about: you know when you go to Costa Coffee and get a hot chocolate to drink in, and they do it in those large bowl-like mugs that come with tiny, rudimentary handles on them? And you have to grip the handle with a thumb and forefinger, in a sort of loop, to pick it up from there? Yeah? What I am saying is: now try picking that mug up with your dick. And your dick is in the middle of your hand. And it is the future. And every time you squeeze too hard on anything – every time you squeeze too hard on a honey bottle as you drizzle it over your breakfast porridge, or every time you grip a bathroom door handle too viciously, or every time you catch a tennis ball, lightly lofted towards you from a low to medium-distance – every time you in any way clench or squeeze your hand, you set your pouch off again and get cum everywhere. This is the future liberals want.
ADDITIONAL, SIDE QUESTION:
Imagine doing even basic karate with this thing
ADDITIONAL, SIDE QUESTION:
But then on the flipside: how good would it feel, how hefty, to flip off a traffic warden with it? I mean, that person is really going to know they got flipped off. So you see now I’m coming round to the idea of the D.F. (the D.F. is what I now call the dickfinger)
ADDITIONAL, SIDE QUESTION:
Quite often I absent-mindedly tease a frond of hair from the front of my face and tuck it back into place using the gentle application of my middle finger. Is that out, now, or—?
Obviously it’s great that we’re thinking of embedding dicks in our collective fingers – it’s just, I dunno: it feels like I have heard tales about tinkering with the physiology of the human condition for a while, and they all end badly. I can’t remember exactly how Frankenstein goes because I read it for A-level ages ago, and I’m 99 percent sure the monster did not have a dick in the middle of his palm while he was out murdering all those wives and kids, jizzing out of his hand in the middle of the Arctic, one frantic last finger-blast for solitude. However: I’m pretty sure we shouldn’t use science to construct wild mid-palm erection organs in the pursuit of a manless society. But then, I am a cynic.
"As people can have two kinds of sexual organs, the stereotype of innate sex will change," designer Koo Hyeonjeong told designboom. "The discourse that [the] seeding finger will bring will be a catalyst to redefine the relationship and reality among people about the direction of biotechnology development."
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m short-sighted. Maybe if we all had dickfingers, gender would slowly be eroded, the balances of power would shift somewhere towards a middle common ground, everyone would get along better, handshakes would undoubtedly be more awkward but maybe we could fist-bump instead. Sometimes you have to stare right down the stem of a dickfinger to find truth: that hey, maybe you're the one who's behind the times, for not wanting a sort of dick thing instead of a finger. This robotic hand-cock has actually made me really appraise some stuff. The dickfinger has burrowed deep into my mind and – slowly, gently, carefully – teased a whole new flap of it open within me. And I have to say: thank you, dickfinger, for that. If nothing else, I have a new perspective now.
This article originally appeared on VICE UK.