Dear Michael Fassbender

Dear Michael Fassbender (confirmed heartthrob and widely regarded Hollywood hunk),

Firstly, I would like to just say wow.

You really are one of my favourite actors and - as you probably noticed - pretty easy on the eye.

Even though I am not gay there is no doubt in my mind that you really are one of the world’s biggest hunks and some of Hollywood’s hottest property.

Secondly, what is this, some kind of sick joke? The epic sci-fi movie you recently starred in: ‘Prometheus’, has still not hit cinemas here in Germany, despite having been released in almost every other country in the world already. (This does not include Italy, Switzerland and Japan in case you were wondering).

Don’t the people deciding on the release dates realise that you were actually born in Germany, have a German father and also actually speak German? (Although not as well as everyone might have hoped in the film Inglorious Basterds where the inaccuracies of your German accent and erroneous gesturing of the number three caused an underground shootout resulting in a bloodbath of epic proportions.)

Great acting in that film by the way Michael, and great acting by Brad Pitt, another one of Hollywood’s main hunks. Although I think now he is regarded as a mature hunk in the same way that Robert Redford was regarded as a mature hunk when Brad Pitt was an up and coming hunk like you are now.

But back to the issue at hand, the German audiences who have been waiting on Prometheus will not be happy with this extremely delayed release. I certainly am not, and I’m just living here for a bit. I can imagine you would probably have some cousins, aunts, and uncles over here who are going ballistic about this. Especially since the film came out in half of the countries in Europe back in late May/ early June.

Do you expect German-based Fassbenders and Fassbender appreciators to go on a road trip to The Netherlands or somewhere similar and watch it in a cinema there? Or stream it on the Internet where it is now widely available? Talk about a kick in the face of the Fatherland. AKA the country where you probably did your first acting ever (before you immigrated with your family to Ireland at the tender age of 2).

Is there any way you can talk to director Ridley Scott to see if something can be done about this? I realise it will be out on August 9th, but I think I can safely speak for all of us down here in Germany by stating that we can’t be bothered waiting that long.

I can also safely say that I am EXTREMELY excited about the film after reading the extended synopsis on the IMDB website. Especially the part about you playing an android called ‘David’, even though I thought it was quite a strange name for an android. Wouldn’t you agree?

To my mind, the name David is more suitable for someone who is either:

a)    a builder/architect who might be friends with your mother and would come around for coffee and to give some free advice to her about putting in French doors out the front of the house

b)   your best friend from primary school’s uncle who you have met about 5 times over the years

c)    someone from your high school who was really good at tennis and would always walk around with his tennis racket cover slung over his back

d)   a person who lived down the road from you who would be your babysitter if all the female options from the neighbourhood had been exhausted as they had other plans

But, like I said, an unusual choice of name for an Android.

Anyway, I better get back to it, and you are no doubt probably too busy to be reading long-winded letters all day. Let me know how you get on with shifting the release date of Prometheus for me and the German based Fassbenders who I imagine are gagging to see your performance! Also, I understand you live in London Fields in England. If you are ever interested in coming to Berlin and would like to do an apartment swap, I would happily go for a holiday up to London. I have all the mod cons here (dishwasher included) and a great view of the city.

Have a good day Michael and keep up the good acting!

Kindest regards

Reuben P. Bonner (disgruntled and adoring Michael Fassbender fan)

p.s Great penis in the movie Shame where you play a sex addict battling with your inner demons! It looked pretty powerful and was also trending pretty hard on the Internet, from what I can gather.

Previously - Dear Damien Hirst

                       - Dear John Key

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