Five Takeaways from this Strange Survey About Millennial Party Habits

Good afternoon, millennials. Did you have a good weekend? Did you remember to water your houseplants? Do you own a house yet? Whatever you were doing, it almost certainly wasn't drinking alcohol. At least, not according to this survey, released this morning by ticketing platform Eventbrite. Next slide please.

The headline news is "the rise of the sober socialites" – basically the widely-accepted wisdom that this generation doesn't drink as much as their parents did. Of the 1,023 men and women aged 21 to 37 who were surveyed, "7/10 said they would rather brag about how LONG it's been since they last drunk, than how MUCH they last drunk". A massive 71 percent would "rather drink a revitalising smoothie after a night out at a festival" than crack on with another alcoholic drink.

Surveys and articles like this have been popping up pretty consistently for the past five years or so; they are the statistical foundations of every "These Snowflakes Wouldn't Last Five Minutes in the Groucho Eh Lads" column ever published in the Spectator. Generally speaking, they attempt to characterise a generation through the small sample of juice-loving keeners who have responded to the survey, and in this respect Eventbrite's is no different.

Yet, hidden behind these seemingly innocuous revelations are some other less expected results – some quotes and observations about "Generation Boring" that don't quite add up. Here are the five strangest takeaways that made me splurt vodka over my cocaine this morning.

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Well, look at that. We've found them. The biggest neek in the universe. A man or woman, aged somewhere between 21 and 37, who talks about getting pissed like it's dogging or the Eurovision song contest. Fine, not everybody loves pints – I can accept that. I can't understand it fully, but I can make peace with it. What I struggle with is this flagrant disregard and dismissal of the sesh. This point blank refusal to sanctify the great and storied tradition of drinking until you choke on pizza crusts and fall in puddles.

And you should know this includes you. They've seen you. They've seen you staggering between your stool and the bar in Spoons like a failing boxer. They've seen you singing "Amarillo" outside the Chinese takeaway 15 minutes from your front door. They've seen you trying to withdraw £20 from your Oyster card. They've seen you doing Alan Shearer impressions in a smoking area. They've seen you ordering Jägerbombs for the whole table, despite it costing £28 – which really seems like quite a lot for what is essentially one mouthful each. They've seen you trying to stop the walls of your room from spinning before throwing up in a wastepaper basket, and they think you're pathetic.

I don't believe this. This isn't true. Not that I'm questioning the no-doubt meticulous surveying techniques used by Eventbrite – a ticketing website – but there is no way that 1 in 4 people would rather go hiking on a first date than to go for a delicious dinner.

Firstly, who has ever thought: 'For this first date, with a stranger I have never met before, my chosen location is… ah yes, the Seathwaite Fells in Cumbria. Lakes, peaks, good views and no phone signal. I'm sure we will get along famously.'

Secondly: I actually think these are both weird. Never go for dinner on the first date. Go for a big pathetic drink instead.

Thirdly: It's the same person, isn't it? The pious health nut who thinks getting plastered on a Friday "belongs to another generation" is the same one who asks people if they want to go for a stroll instead of paying through the nose for some "over-rated" grub in a pretentious restaurant. "I always like to spend time with people outdoors if I can – I just find I can be myself more when I'm around nature. Helps me see inside people too."

Fourthly: On a whim, I just Googled "hiking pick up lines" and they are a thing, apparently. One of them is "I'd like to go for a walking tour of your heart." I feel quite sad and tired all of a sudden, like my joints don't work any more. I've got a bit of a headache as well. Am I dying?

Fifthly: Freedom of Information request for the full transcripts of these Tinder chats. Thanks.

The Lib Dem Disco did look sick tbf.

Did you ask… lads… did you just ask dads? Is this a survey of 1,023 dads? Did you accidentally send this survey to the 41 to 57 bracket, and accidentally only send it to blokes, and accidentally only send it to blokes with Gregory Porter and a bottle of Halfords' Night-Before Deicer in the glove compartment?

You fucking did, didn't you. Anybody with a modicum of awareness will tell you that metalheads – despite their leather collars, black nails and funny beards – are nicer than Christians and Blue Peter presenters. You ran out of time and asked your blandly metropolitan, "some drunk girls I see when I'm driving through town are an embarrassment", drives the family to Snowdonia every Easter, "Brexit is a shambles", new Arcade Fire-loving, "thank God you were never a goth!", centrist, Blue Harbour-wearing, management consultant dads.

Shame on you.

@a_n_g_u_s