Auckland Rental Opportunity of the Week: A No-Frills Masturbatorium

Foreign investment in Auckland has boomed, the property bubble has expanded, and things are grim in New Zealand's most populous and international city. So much so that The Economist now ranks Auckland as the most unaffordable city in the OECD.

But here's the good news: here at VICE we are on the lookout for those hard-to-find rental bargains. First up is this little gem:

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

What's not to like? It's a no-frills masturbatorium with a great rubbish bin and a blank canvas for decorating.
Does the double toilet make for immediate suspicion and intrigue? Yes.
Does it look like there may have been murders here, prior? Yes.
Is it beguiling that one of the rooms on show has coat-hangers thrown in and the other doesn't? Yes.

But putting all that aside, we are potentially on to a big drawcard: an inner-city location, a single bed, and rent, utilities and internet all thrown in under one blanket cost. That cost: $NZ235 per week. Presuming you are a single human being, that creeps in at just under $1000 per month. And you get to share the building with 14 others. No dramas if you are a couple, for that only bumps the price up to $295 per week ($1180 per month).

And remember, you are only sharing with 14 others in this spacious 15-room boarding house.

THE KITCHEN
A Shared Culinary Hotspot with Extensive Potential for Entertaining

Moving into the shared kitchen, note the two varying shades of place mat elegantly strewn across the kitchen table (stomach-acid green and mid-90s Ikea blue).
With four chairs surrounding the table, there is real scope for group dinners and breakfast merriment with your co-boarders. If everyone was in the kitchen at once, that's over a quarter of a chair each!

The real dream for me would be able to zoom in and read exactly what is written on the A4 whites, which have been systematically attached to the kitchen cupboards. This would be a helpful insight before committing to the bond and rent, but beggars can't be choosers in this cold hard world.

I assume the A4 messaging is along the lines of:
"To whoever stole my last section of edam, I will find you! In the meantime, while my investigation is in its early stages, you should know that there is a special place in hell for you!"
Or:
"Milk (and other dairy) spoils if fridge door is left open—I'm not beyond invoicing for unusable products!"
Or:
"No pan flute playing in the kitchen after 11pm (or any wind instruments for that matter)"
Or:
"Shopping List
Ammunition
Lime
Shovel
*NB still need to find suitable location to bury bodies"

THE LOUNGE
Entertainment and Comfort Intertwined in Sprawling Splendour (Mini-Library Included)

As we move into the lounge area, you can see the two leather armchairs are facing in a perpendicularly to the hi-fi television system and book storage hub. This is handy for any potential roomies who watch TV out of the side of their head using a single eye, like my cousin Carl or my ex-flatmate "The Guy".

THE BATHROOM
The Ablutions Nerve Centre with Options Galore! (A Great Meeting Place to Socialise with your Fellow Boarders)

Double toilets, side by side! Why finish that conversation with your roommate at the sink while brushing your teeth? Keep it rolling as you both relocate to the WC as you continue your daily ablutions.

Auckland, the place where dreams are made and hearts are crushed as the property prices soar and the rents go wild. Inshallah, we are heading for a turn in the tide but in the interim the best mindset is probably "When In Rome." And in the case of this Casa del Inner City, Rome wasn't built in a day—although it almost looks like it might have been.