Illustrations by Brandon Celi for VICE.

Six-Word Sagas About Unbelievably Bad Dates

We asked people to sum up their worst dates in six words.

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May 9 2017, 10:00pm

Illustrations by Brandon Celi for VICE.

Dating is the worst, but the best thing about it are the stories—and the best stories are simple. With that in mind, we asked friends and co-workers to sum up the worst dates they've ever been on in six words. Here's one: "Hardcore begged to see my NuvaRing." Like so many bad dates, many more follow below.

"That pocket bulge was a gun" - Courtney, 38

"She wrote a zine about microaggressions." - Allie, 27

"He licked his dinner plate clean." - Jen, 36

"Left FetLife open on his computer." - Amy, 31

"Insulted me, wanted to borrow money." - Mike, 36

"Didn't know what a meme was" - Eve, 23

"Broke and bitter stand-up comic." - Alix, 33

"Couldn't without Morrissey playing in background." - Elizabeth, 27

"Gave blowjob in Jeep. Was rejected." - Alex, 32

"Pitched a VICE article after sex." - Jamie, 31

"Planned our entire future over PBR." - Lauren, 25

"He pooped himself before dinner arrived." - Roxy, 35

"Watched March Madness over my head." - Jill, 33

"Romantic fireplace turned into an inferno." - Adam, 35

"Mistakenly went on polyamorous Tinder date." - Alex, 26

"Hardcore begged to see my NuvaRing." - Jen, 34

"Talked about milk for a while." - Courtney, 31

"Seemed promising! Her blog said otherwise." - Hezekiah, 31

"Said she'd attempted suicide on Friday." - Jason, 37

"Mirrored-ceiling bedroom at his parents'." - Shelly, 28

"He talked about clipping his toenails." - Amanda, 39

"He read the paper, I ate." - Jaime, 39

"Said his favorite show was Girlboss" - Keith, 27

"First stop: his ex-girlfriend's house." - Wynn, 35

"Believed he was an actual alien." - Lisa, 35

"Burped in my mouth while kissing." - Norah, 38

"Had loud diarrhea in my bathroom" - Lana, 27

"Sweated through T-shirt at fancy restaurant." - Lucy, 24

"Made fun of my bartender friend." - James, 34

"Disclosed two DUIs before first course." - Marcy, 26

"'Romantic" location: airport hotel parking lot." - Michelle, 42

"Asked, 'Can I get a hug?'" - Katie, 23

"He was a polyamorist with herpes." - Troy, 32

"Had a Garden State Parkway tattoo." - Leah, 33

"Took me to Primerica pyramid seminar." - Kate, 35

"Brought his dog. It got attacked." - Hayley, 26

"Surprise! He's married with three kids." - Lora, 32

"Racist in the first ten minutes." - Claire, 23

"Got wing sauce on his forehead." - Grace, 29

"Kept calling me his ex's name." - Eric, 24

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