This Poor Man Just Wants Drunk People to Stop Humping His 'Sexy' Hedge

For roughly 40 years, Keith Tyssen has been artfully pruning his hedges into a masterwork he calls "Gloria," a voluptuous, seductive leaf-woman reclining in front of his house like one of Jack Dawson's French girls. He's graciously allowed students from the local university in Sheffield, England, to pose with her in their graduation photos, dressing her up with a pearl necklace and putting in countless hours of work to "make the lady as sexy as possible" for the neighborhood. All he asks in return is for drunk people to please, please stop humping her.

According to BBC News, Brits passing by his house after a night of getting pissed or sloshed or whatever they call it over there keep violating Gloria, popping into his yard to get freaky with her at all hours of the early morning. Unless they're actually into having sex with nature, it's all a big joke—but for the guy who has to repair Gloria's curvaceous leafy figure every time they fuck it up, it's not funny.

"They're climbing on top of her and pulling her legs apart—you know, it's disgusting," Tyssen told BBC. "I don't want them to behave like that with my privet lady."

Tyssen told the Telegraph Gloria winds up all misshapen and damaged after trysts with the neighborhood drunks—both men and women, Tyssen claims—and it's not easy to trim her back into her pristine, irresistible self, if he even can.

"It takes a long time to grow her back to the right shape after each attack. She never quite recovers and always seems to be scarred or broken in some way,” he said. "If there are just a few leaves out of place, she loses it."

What these drunken, tasteless reprobates don't understand is that Gloria isn't just some guy's hedge; she's the work of an artiste. Tyssen, a silversmith who trained at the Royal College of Art, has exhibited his work in the V&A Museum, won prestigious awards, and made commissions for private collectors across the globe. Sure, we get it: It's 2018, and people should feel free to have sex with peaches, or drink carts, or shrubbery. But Gloria is a goddamn masterpiece, and she should be treated as such. So please, you lawless drunks, for the love of God, leave this man's sexy hedge alone.

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