Moms Explain What They’ve Discovered About Their Kids from Social Media

When I was growing up, my mom loved to tell me that—despite my best efforts—she always knew everything about me, and usually she was right. She knew when I was lying, always found out who I was dating, and even figured out where I had hidden my terrible fake ID.

But now that I live under my own roof 2,400 miles away from her, my mom has since decided to sign herself up for a few social media accounts, from which she now conducts all her detective work. Yes, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat are great ways to stay in touch with people and keep up with the news, but they're also fantastic snooping tools. How else would we find out about engagements we don't care about, which high school acquaintances voted for Trump, or see horribly embarrassing college photos we forgot existed?

My mom might not use hashtags correctly or be able to tell you what a Facebook wall is, but there she is nonetheless, liking all of my posts and keeping tabs on my life. She's not alone. Since most mothers love to lurk on their kids, we rang up a few of our moms to ask them what they've learned about their children just from poking around on the World Wide Web. (Lauren Messman)

Why did you start using Instagram?
I started using Instagram to connect with friends, relatives, and my kids who live out of state. Most of our family is out of state and it was a good way to keep up with others' lives through pictures.

What's one thing you still don't understand about it?
I don't know how to use the video feature or Boomerang.

Is there anything new or surprising you learned about your kids from Instagram?
I haven't learned anything new or surprising about you, but I do enjoy seeing what you're doing and who your friends are! I did find out that your brother went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans one year when he said he didn't after he posted a picture of himself there.

I think he told me that he might go to Mardi Gras and I wasn't thrilled about him driving to New Orleans for two days. I told him I thought he should stay at school. Then, over the weekend I was looking at my Instagram and I saw a picture of him and his roommate standing next to a guy with a sign that said "will eat pussy for booze" or something like that. He also had some beads around his neck. Clearly he was in New Orleans!

I don't think I was mad—I was just worried about him driving back to school! I do think we had a conversation once he got back about lying and safety and stuff like that. But then the next year, he did the exact same thing again!

Why did you start using Facebook?
I joined Facebook to reconnect with old friends. I occasionally sign on now just to see what people are up to (seems like nothing much). I never post or upload anything, but, as you know, sometimes I'll send you screenshots of the woman in town who likes to sue everyone. (She recently claimed she was struck by lightning!)

Is there anything new or surprising you learned about me from using social media?
Your Twitter is public, so I find out some things on there about you, because you don't appear to have any sort of filter. Recently, on 4/20, I learned you and your brother once made pot brownies and accidentally got the housekeeper involved. I don't condone drug use, but I guess I'm glad you did it in the house. I didn't know you guys could even bake.

Why did you start using Twitter?
I opened a Twitter account in 2011. I'd already been on Facebook for a number of years, which I joined to spy on both my young teenage daughters, and to remain somewhat cognizant of a changing world that wasn't part of my generation.

You had recently left for college, and you had a very active account, so in addition to my curiosity, I wanted to see what you were posting. It allowed me to stay in touch with you in an indirect way, and know things going on in your life that you weren't telling me. Because of your depression, seeing your posts helped me better understand what you were feeling, and also stay abreast of you if you were going through a particularly difficult time, as you openly shared many aspects of your life on Twitter. I also used it to check that you were OK when I hadn't heard from you in a while.

What's one thing you still don't understand about it?
I use Twitter in my limited way and don't have much curiosity to explore it deeply. Sometimes I don't understand the language. Social media, especially Twitter with its 140-character limit, has forced people to come up with new terms, with interesting shortenings of words, or there is simply language being used that is part of your generation that I have never heard. I Google these when I see them so I can understand the posts and expand my dated vocabulary.

Is there anything new or surprising you learned about me from using it?
Over the time I have been on Twitter, I have learned a lot that is new and surprising about you. When you were in college, I learned a lot about your depression, your drinking, and drug use. I had no idea how much those things dictated your life.

Nowadays it's quite different, as your posts are way more varied. You still post about how you feel—your good days and bad—but more and more you are posting about politics, things going on in the world, articles you have written, and so on. It's less that you are revealing new things to me, just reinforcing my perception of you: your keen observations and sharp wit, as well as your personal angst.

You've changed dramatically in the past six years and Twitter, in a way, serves as a journal, a verbal selfie, and a personal history.

When did you start using Facebook and why did you start using it?
I started using Facebook about five or six years ago. I started using it because I was bored. Everybody else had it and I decided to open an account.

What's something that you don't understand about Facebook still?
I don't understand who sees what when I like or dislike something.

What do you mean by that?
If I push "like," I don't understand if my friends get to see it. There's a lot of things I don't understand, I think, because of my age difference.

So you don't understand whether your friends are seeing when you like something.
Mmhmm, yes.

Why is that a concern for you?
Because I want my friends to see what I like, and I want my friends to see what I don't like. There are things that are on my Facebook page that I didn't necessarily put there, but the feed is constantly rolling, so people get to see that, too.

What do you mean when you say "Things that you didn't put there that are on your page"?
Well, I have a constant feed of Rachel Maddow. I respect Rachel, and it keeps me up on current news, but I don't think everybody that's my friend that goes onto my Facebook page should necessarily see that I respect Rachel Maddow.

Was there anything new that you learned about your kids when you started using Facebook?
[Long pause] I learned that you and your brother both have very specific tastes and interests. [Laughs]. I'm friends with both you and your brother on Facebook, and I have learned to respect both of your Facebook pages, your friends, and I get to share in your lives while I know not to comment or deviate.

What do you mean by "not to comment or deviate"?
Well, it's always just safer to like things than to comment, so I do that.

Why did you start using Facebook?
I started when your father and I moved to the country and so many friends urged me to get on Facebook to keep in touch. My brothers and sisters live across the country, and you and [your twin brother] Sean both live in New York, so I thought it would be a good way to catch up or keep in touch with you all as well. But, you know what? It really hasn't. I don't feel it helps me keep in touch, really. Instead I see old friends post about what they had for lunch or "My toe itches" or whatever dumb thing. I know I sound old saying that, but it's true. It mostly seems like a waste of time.

What's one thing you still don't understand about it?
I don't understand a lot, but I could maybe break it down into two separate categories. First, behaviorally: I don't understand why people are so cruel or so crass. I see people on Facebook all the time insulting people they probably don't even know or haven't ever met in real life. That baffles me—the fighting. I understand people feel passionately about politics, but fighting about it on the internet with people you don't know seems silly. The other thing I don't understand is the technology side of things. I don't really even understand how to post. I've never posted an article or a meme—I don't even know where people find those things. I've posted a couple pictures, and even that took some coaching. I mostly lurk.

Is there anything new or surprising you learned about me from using Facebook?
I can't say I've really learned anything surprising or new about you or your brother. I knew where you stood politically, so no shock there. I always knew you two were weird, so that's not been a surprise. I do see that you both RSVP to a lot of events in New York, and maybe that's surprising—that you both go out so much. But otherwise, you're both the best sons and I guess nothing about what you post on Facebook has changed that opinion for me.

Follow Lauren Messman on Twitter.