A Definitive List of Every NYE Party You’ll Encounter This Year

All photos by author.

For anyone going through an identity crisis (literally every human for all of time, except for maybe the Dalai Lama), New Year's Eve (NYE, as the kids call it) is always going to be one of three things: an unforgettable time, a learning experience, or a depressive episode of Nietzsche proportions. There is no in between, and regardless of the outcome, the only chance to make up for a bad night out won't come for another 365 days.

With stakes that high, what party (or weird social gathering that you tell your friends is a party to trick them into coming with you) you end up at on NYE will likely determine what tale you tell the next morning (or three months later, when you brain recovers from how badly you mistreated it). Either way, we here at VICE have compiled a list of every possible NYE party you will be invited to, hear of, or perhaps even go to this year.

"A chill thing" going on at your friend's friend's friend's place.

Your friend says it's going to be "super relaxed." Everyone there is  gonna be "cool" and there will be free drinks (really just the worst whiskey the guy who owns the home could find mixed with Dr. Pepper). If you thought, "Hmm, maybe this could be fun," you're either really lonely or a 16-year-old boy.

After your friend picks you up at 11:20 PM—because "midnight is just the beginning"—you find yourself in the basement of a random suburban duplex. The only people at this place are four hockey bros in Bass Pro hats, a dude hitting poppers in the corner, and two guys playing video games with the sound off. At some point, girls will come through, but they'll be gone as soon as the Uber comes to whisk them to an actual party.

The party you go to after cancelling all your plans because your crush invited you.

You've been drooling over this person for a whole year, and you finally feel the chemistry has reached its peak. You guys head to the party together, share some liquor out of a kitschy flask, and end up running into a group of mutual friends inside. Despite how much fun everyone's having, all you can really think about is sucking the soul out of your partner's face at midnight.

30 minutes before the ball drop, you head to the bathroom, only to see that your crush is MIA. You check your phone—you were only in there for 10 minutes. Where could they have gone? You look everywhere, but no luck. It's now two minutes before ball drop. You text them. They don't respond. Soon enough, people begin counting down ten. You meekly let out "ONE" from your lips, but everyone has already mushed their face into the stranger across from them.

A few minutes later, your phone pings. Your crush went home with the passive-aggressive friend of the group. They "hope you had fun tonight." Public Intoxication

Morons getting fucked up in public is kind of an NYE tradition. Piss on cars, broken beer bottles, and condoms littering the streets is a staple of January 1. With that said, you should always be an outsider to these events. If your idea of fun is wandering around in public with your buds while absolutely shit-faced, you probably weren't invited to a cool party. Don't ruin it for the rest of us, just go home and take the L.

Massive event by a bank or news network in the middle of your city's busiest intersection

I honestly have never understood people who stand in sub-zero temperatures for hours on end. Not for concerts, not for sports games, and especially not to watch hella-rich celebrities talk aimlessly about the army of regular citizens beneath, all while sipping on expensive champagne inside heated tents. Pro life tip: If you're a parent, don't bring your kids here. If you're an adult, don't have kids. If Anderson Cooper is worth standing in the freezing cold for, you probably need to find another reason to live.

"NYE GOLD NIGHT BIG BOTTLES, GIRLS FREE BEFORE 11, GUYS MUST BUY HALF THE CLUB"

Only two people could have invited you to this: a) your clubrat friend, or b) a promoter who was supposed to graduate from your university with a business degree, but instead gave up halfway to sell weed and push bottles of Grey Goose into sorority girls' mouths.

Unless you're the "host" of the party (really just an Instagram personality yelling "turn up!" into a mic all night), an attractive female model, or a local celebrity, you will probably hate your time here. You'll also wake up the day after with a massive chunk missing from your bank account and a tinge of remorse in your heart for how you treated the bathroom attendant.

Ironic meme Facebook event from friend holding boring NYE party at their house

This is really just an attempt to diversify one's party form the endless condo and loft parties that happen on NYE with a relatable sense of internet humor. Of course, if the party was actually going to be good, the person throwing it probably wouldn't need to say much aside from "party at my place." (Face it: if you need a Tea Lizard joke to sell a good time, it's probably not a very good time.)

*BOLD WORD* (Art party)

This party is always a good bet—it's where all the too-hip-to-be-caught-at-a-club people will be—which means you're going to be exposed to the most eclectic group of groupies, drug dealers, artists, and musicians that you can possibly be brought face-to-face with in a single night. It's impossible to leave without a memorable story, and getting in is non-discriminatory—no crazy lines, bottle service, or coat check. Just a good ol' rager thrown by some "creatives" in a loft.

Of course, the major plus side of this option is that every person you meet will have a dozen ideas for after parties and alternatives to the main party, which makes dipping to a new location super easy and non-stressful. Also, beer is generally $5, and so is your dignity. Have at it.

Netflix party that is really just a front for an orgy

I've never been invited to one of these outside of Christmas, but I imagine they exist. Let me know if you find one.

Your own party

You know you're an idiot, right? Just know that you brought this all on yourself.

Your parents for the holidays.

Have you ever watched your parents watch a live NYE broadcast while getting drunk off 'bo wine? If you haven't, it's worth doing at least once. This is a great way to learn if your parents are bearable while drunk, and a passable way of justifying staying inside for the night. Family comes first, amirite?

Note: if you have even the slightest degree of FOMO, avoid this at all costs. You will feel like driving off a bridge the next morning.

Your hometown for the holidays.

Buddy, get your plans in line quickly, because hometown turn-ups oscillate between the best and absolute worst times of your life. There's no in between. If you haven't figured out what you're doing, where you're going, and who you're going with by noon on December 31, you might as well just call it a fucking night, because you're going to spend the rest of the day trying to track down something fun, and will probably hate yourself for eventually settling on going to a bar with your friend who now recruits people in his school to pyramid schemes.

The Afterparty

Whatever party you end up at afterward, just know that it's all pretty irrelevant at this point. If it turns out you get to your friend's place and it's just you with a few other people, enjoy it and accept the idea that you're prepared to end your night at reasonable time. After all, if you go to a real AP, you need to commit. Getting home at 10AM on the first day of 2017 is a horrible feeling, but you made this bed, and now it's time to sweat a bucket in it as you come down for the next five hours. The Frat Party

If you're the type of person who doesn't want to spend any money and enjoys stale beer while being groped by strangers or having someone that is either way too old or way too young try to drunkenly kiss you at midnight, this is your place.

The Girl's Night Party Pretty much the same as every other girl's night featuring junk food and some cheesy romantic comedy except that the Merlot tastes unusually bitter this time, maybe from the disappointment of being single on New Year's eve and having to spend it with other, miserable singles. The Pet Party Better call up a friend. If you have no friends your cat and your tears will do.

The I'll Eventually Go Out But Until Then I'll Watch How I Met Your Mother Reruns on Netflix Party While Drinking a $7 Bottle of Red Wine Party

So many Facebook invites from people you only talk to through Facebook. So many real friends with husbands and wives and long-term partners and even one of them has a kid and they are all just "staying in and relaxing." Sara is back from school but you know she's going to find a great party but then you'll have to hear all about exams and tests and you are nearly 30 and that shit is boring. Something will happen though, so let's open this $7 bottle (Chile is an underrated region, imo) and turn on the ole Netflix, it's only 8PM, we'll figure it out. Don't have time to watch a movie, let's just find some TV. Friends, done that. Bojack, too depressing. Man Seeking Woman (love that Eric Andre), too unavailable on Canadian Netflix. How I Met Your Mother? Shit, why not. That series finale was an all time fail, but you have 22 minutes to spare, let's see if a young Ted was as douchey as old Ted. You start with decidedly not classic "Ted Mosby: Architect" of season 2 and sip your wine, letting it it roll into "World's Greatest Couple" as you browse your limited options on your phone. You could get dressed, you could shower, you could do your hair but wine in bed with Ted is fine right now. Two episodes later you have decided your fate, you are a 28-year-old who likes drinking wine in bed with old television. You are comfortable with yourself. You will tell no one about this.

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